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Albert I know everything seems hopeless right nowbut I promise you there's so much to live forReally Is thereWhat is there to live for on the frontier in 1882 HuhLook let me tell you somethingWe live

A Million Ways to Die in the West

That, my friends, is the American West. A disgusting, awful, dirty cesspool of despair and...

A Million Ways to Die in the West • 2014

Edward:Albert, I know everything seems hopeless right now, but I promise you, there's so much to live for.Albert:Really? Is there? What is there to live for on the frontier in 1882? Huh? Look, let me tell you something. We live in a terrible place and time. The American West is A disgusting, awful, dirty, dangerous place. Look around you. Everything out here that's not you wants to kill you. Outlaws, angry drunk people, scorned hookers, hungry animals, diseases, major and minor injuries, Indians, the weather. You can get killed just going to the bathroom. I take my life in my hands every time I walk out to my outhouse. There's fucking rattlesnakes all in the grass out there. And even if I make it, you know what can kill me? Cholera. You know cholera?Edward: The Black Shit.Albert:The Black Shit. The latest offering in the frontier's disease-of-the-month club. And even if you survive all those things, you know what else can kill you? The fucking doctor. The doctor can kill you. I had a cold a couple of years ago. I went in there. You know what he said to me? He goes, "Oh, you need an ear nail." A nail in my fucking ear! That is modern medicine for you. "Yeah, Doc, I have a fever of 102." "Oh, you need a donkey kickin'." You know our pastor has shot two people? Our pastor. Honest to God. Shot a guy in a duel and then went back and killed the guy's teenage son because he was afraid he would kill him out of revenge.Edward:Wait, how do you know that?Albert:Because he did a whole fucking sermon about it! A lesson about seeing things through.Albert:By the way, look at this. See those guys over there? The guys who work in the silver mines? See what they're eating? Ribs doused in hot sauce! They eat hot, spicy foods every meal of the day. Do you know why? Because their palates are so completely fucking dulled from inhaling poison gas 12 hours a day down in the mines. That's all they can taste. You know what that kind of diet does to your guts? Constipation, cramps, dyspepsia, liver disease, kidney disease, hemorrhoids, bowel inflammation. They literally die from their own farts.Albert:And, oh, oh, you wanna see more death? All we gotta do is get up and walk out the front door.Albert:*That* is our mayor. He is *dead*. He has been lying there, dead, for three days. No one has done a thing. Not moved him, not looked into his death, not even replaced him with a temporary appointee. For the last three days, the highest-ranking official in our town has been a dead guy. Oh! Look at that! Look at that!Albert:Wolves are dragging the body away as if to illustrate my point! Bye! Bye, Mr. Mayor! Have fun becoming wolf shit! Bye! God!Albert:That, my friends, is the American West. A disgusting, awful, dirty cesspool of despair and fuck all of it

Full Transcript

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Albert I know everything seems hopeless right now

00:00:03.461 --> 00:00:06.214

but I promise you there's so much to live for

00:00:07.089 --> 00:00:08.466

Really Is there

00:00:08.549 --> 00:00:11.719

What is there to live for on the frontier in 1882 Huh

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Look let me tell you something

00:00:13.346 --> 00:00:15.848

We live in a terrible place and time

00:00:15.932 --> 00:00:19.056

The American West is a disgusting awful dirty dangerous place

00:00:19.644 --> 00:00:20.645

Look around you

00:00:20.728 --> 00:00:23.272

Everything out here that's not you wants to kill you

00:00:23.356 --> 00:00:26.818

Outlaws angry drunk people scorned hookers hungry animals

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diseases major and minor injuries Indians the weather

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You can get killed just going to the bathroom

00:00:32.156 --> 00:00:35.159

I take my life in my hands every time I walk out to my outhouse

00:00:35.243 --> 00:00:37.161

There's fucking rattlesnakes all in the grass out there

00:00:37.245 --> 00:00:39.539

And even if I make it you know what can kill me

00:00:39.622 --> 00:00:41.374

Cholera You know cholera

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The Black Shit The Black Shit

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The latest offering in the frontier's disease of the month club

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And even if you survive all those things

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you know what else can kill you

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The fucking doctor The doctor can kill you

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I had a cold a couple of years ago I went in there

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You know what he said to me He goes

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Oh you need an ear nail

00:00:57.999 --> 00:00:58.599

A nail in my fucking ear

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That is modern medicine for you

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Yeah Doc I have a fever of 102

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Oh you need a donkey kickin'

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You know our pastor has shot two people Our pastor

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No no No

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Honest to God Shot a guy in a duel

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and then went back and killed the guy's teenage son

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because he was afraid he would kill him out of revenge

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Wait how do you know that

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Because he did a whole fucking sermon about it

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A lesson about seeing things through

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By the way look at this See those guys over there

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The guys who work in the silver mines See what they're eating

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Ribs doused in hot sauce

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They eat hot spicy foods every meal of the day

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Do you know why

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Because their palates are so completely fucking dulled

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from inhaling poisoned gas 12 hours a day down in the mines

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That's all they can taste

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You know what that kind of diet does to your guts

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Constipation cramps dyspepsia liver disease

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kidney disease hemorrhoids bowel inflammation

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They literally die from their own farts

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And oh oh you want to see more death

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All we got to do is get up and walk out the front door

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That is our mayor

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He is dead

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He has been lying there dead for three days

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No one has done a thing

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Not moved him not looked into his death

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not even replaced him with a temporary appointee

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For the last three days the highest ranking official in our town

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has been a dead guy

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Oh Look at that Look at that

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Wolves are dragging the body away as if to illustrate my point

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Bye Bye Mr Mayor

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Bye Have fun becoming wolf shit Bye

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God

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That my friends is the American West

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A disgusting awful dirty cesspool of despair and fuck all of it

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ج ل ما علينا فعله هو النهوض والمرور من خلال الباب الأمامي

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هذا هو عمدتنا

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إنه ميت وهو مرمي ه نا ميتا منذ 3 أيام

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ولا أحد يتحرك ساكنا إتجاه

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لم ينقلونه ولم يتحرون عن سبب موته ولا حتى أستبدلوه بم عين موقتا

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في 3 الأيام الماضية وجد أعلى مسؤول في بلدتنا ميتا

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أوه أنظروا إلى هذا

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الذئاب تسحب الجثة بعيدا كما وصفت لكم الأمر

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وداعا يا سيدي العمدة

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وداعا أستمتع بعد أن تصبح براز ذئب

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يا إلهي

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هذا هو الغرب الأمريكي يا رفاقي

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إنه مكان مقرف وقذر ويائس وس حقا لك هذا

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ل م لا تخرس

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أنت أخرس

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آه روث يا إلهي

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ـ توقفي ـ حسنا لا عليك

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على الأقل أن تذهب إلى الدكتور هاربر غدا

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لو كان بمقدورك أن تسمعين نفسك

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هل تعرفين ماذا سيحدث إذا زرت دكتور هاربر وقلت له أفحصني

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سيقول يبدو هذا يؤلمك

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دعني أعطيك طائر القيق الأزرق ليلتقط دمائك بمنقاره

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ربما يجب عليك أن

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لا أعلم ربما يجب عليك أن تحاول التكلم مع لويز

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ـ هذه فكرة رائعة ـ حقا

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هذا م ذهل للغاية

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ـ لازلت أتولى الأمور ـ حسنا

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أحيانا أحظى بأفكار جيدة

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لم أقصد أن تفعلها الآن

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مهلا يا صاح لا يجب عليك أن تشرب وتركب الحصان

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كلا كلا كلا كلا

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أجل إن ك حسنا

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حسنا يا كيرتس سأوافيك بالحال سأوافيك بالحال إتفقنا

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Vous voulez voir d'autres morts Suffit de sortir

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C'est notre maire

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Il est mort

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Il est là depuis 3 jours Personne a bougé le petit doigt

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On l'a pas déplacé ni cherché à comprendre

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On a même pas nommé un remplaçant

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Depuis 3 jours

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le chef de notre ville est mort

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Regardez

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Les loups emportent le corps

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comme pour illustrer mes propos

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Ciao M le maire

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Vous allez finir en crottes de loup

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C'est ça l'Ouest américain

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Un affreux et dégoûtant cloaque de désespoir à foutre aux chiottes

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Ta gueule

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Toi même

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Bordel arrête

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Très bien

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Montre le au moins au docteur Harper demain

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Tu divagues

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Si je vais chez le docteur Harper et je lui dis

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Vous pouvez regarder ça

00:01:07.233 --> 00:01:08.999

Il va dire

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C'est douloureux Un geai va ponctionner le sang

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Tu devrais peut être

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parler à Louise

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C'est une idée géniale

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Bingo

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J'assure encore

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J'ai de bonnes idées

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Je voulais pas dire maintenant

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Boire ou monter il faut choisir

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Curtis mon frère

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Je reviens tout de suite

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Wollt ihr noch mehr Tod sehen

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Dazu müssen wir nur aufstehen und zur Tür rausgehen

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Das ist unser Bürgermeister

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Er ist tot

00:00:09.342 --> 00:00:11.552

Seit drei Tagen liegt er tot da

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Keiner tut was

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Keiner bringt ihn weg ermittelt

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oder ersetzt ihn auch nur vorübergehend im Amt

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Seit drei Tagen ist der höchste Amtsträger unserer Stadt

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ein toter Mann

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Seht euch das an

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Wölfe zerren die Leiche weg als wollten sie zeigen worum es mir geht

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Tschüss Herr Bürgermeister Viel Spaß auf dem Weg zur Wolfsscheiße

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Gott

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Das meine Freunde ist der amerikanische Westen

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Eine eklige schreckliche schmutzige Kloake der Verzweiflung scheiß drauf

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Halt endlich die Klappe Halt du die Klappe

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Ruth Herrje

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Lass das Ist ja gut

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Lass wenigstens Dr Harper morgen einen Blick darauf werfen

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Wenn du dich hören könntest

00:01:03.998 --> 00:01:04.938

Weißt du was passiert wenn ich zu Dr Harper gehe

00:01:04.999 --> 00:01:08.006

und sage Schauen Sie mal

00:01:08.996 --> 00:01:10.694

Er wird sagen Das sieht schmerzhaft aus

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Ich hole einen Specht der pickt dir das Blut raus

00:01:13.001 --> 00:01:15.996

Vielleicht solltest du

00:01:15.001 --> 00:01:18.999

Versuch doch mal mit Louise zu reden

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Das ist eine tolle Idee Ja

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Das ist ein Volltreffer

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Ich kann's noch Ok

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Manchmal habe ich gute Ideen

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Ich meinte doch nicht jetzt

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Hey Alter du solltest nicht reiten wenn du getrunken hast

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Nein Nein Nein

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Na ja da Ok

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Ok Curtis Curtis Kumpel

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Ich bin gleich wieder da Bin gleich wieder da ok

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Хотите увидеть больше смертей

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Достаточно лишь встать и выйти на улицу

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Это наш мэр

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Он мертв

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Он лежит здесь мертвый уже три дня

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Никто и пальцем не повел

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Его тело не убрали никто не расследует его смерть

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ему даже временную замену не нашли

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Последние три дня высшим должностным лицом в нашем городе

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был вот этот труп

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Смотрите Смотрите

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И в доказательство моих слов его тело уже волочат волки

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Прощайте м р мэр Надеюсь вам понравится быть волчьим дерьмом

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Боже

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Вот это и есть Дикий Запад друзья мои

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Отвратительная ужасная депрессивная помойная яма ну его на фиг

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Может заткнешь пасть Сам заткнись

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Руфь Господи

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Прекрати Ладно

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Сходи хотя бы завтра к доктору Харперу

00:01:00.518 --> 00:01:03.061

Ну ты сказанула

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Знаешь что будет если я пойду к доктору Харперу

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и скажу Осмотрите мою рану

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Он ответит Ого серьезная рана

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Я дам тебе голубую сойку чтобы она склевала кровь

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А может тебе стоит

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Даже не знаю может стоит поговорить с Луизой

00:01:20.246 --> 00:01:22.998

Отличная идея Правда

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Джекпот В яблочко

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А ведь могу еще Отлично

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Иногда у меня появляются хорошие идеи

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Но я не имела в виду сейчас

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Эй чувак а пьяным в седло не надо садиться

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Нет Нет Нет

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Да вот так Ладно

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Так Кёртис дружище

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я мигом Я скоро вернусь хорошо

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Sé que todo parece inútil ahora

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pero te juro que hay mucho por qué vivir

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De verdad

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Para qué puede uno vivir en el Oeste de 1882

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Les voy a decir algo Vivimos en un lugar y una época terribles

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El Oeste americano es asqueroso cochino y peligroso

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Miren a su alrededor

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Todo lo que no eres tú te quiere matar

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Forajidos borrachos rameras despreciadas animales

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enfermedades heridas los indios el clima

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Te pueden matar yendo al baño

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Me juego la vida cada vez que voy al baño afuera

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Hay víboras de cascabel en la yerba

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Y aun si llego saben qué me puede matar

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El cólera Han oído de él

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La Caca Negra La Caca Negra

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La última adición al club de la enfermedad del mes

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Aunque sobrevivas a todo eso sabes qué te puede matar

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El maldito doctor te puede matar

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Yo tenía un resfriado

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Sabes qué dijo Necesitas un clavo en la oreja

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Un clavo en la oreja

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La medicina moderna

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Tengo 39 de fiebre

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Necesitas una patada de burro

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Nuestro sacerdote ha matado a dos personas El sacerdote

00:01:06.996 --> 00:01:08.608

Sí Mató a un tipo en un duelo

00:01:08.001 --> 00:01:11.127

y luego fue y mató al hijo del tipo

00:01:11.312 --> 00:01:13.999

porque tenía miedo que se vengara

00:01:13.312 --> 00:01:14.999

Cómo sabes eso

00:01:14.803 --> 00:01:17.025

Porque nos dio todo un sermón sobre eso

00:01:17.045 --> 00:01:19.678

Sobre el cumplimiento del deber

00:01:19.887 --> 00:01:21.001

Ven a esos tipos

00:01:21.001 --> 00:01:23.001

Los mineros Ven lo que comen

00:01:23.999 --> 00:01:24.851

Costillas con salsa picante

00:01:25.002 --> 00:01:27.027

Comen comida picante en cada comida

00:01:27.479 --> 00:01:28.316

Saben por qué

00:01:28.999 --> 00:01:30.384

Porque sus paladares están tan atrofiados

00:01:30.592 --> 00:01:33.001

de inhalar gas todo el día en las minas

00:01:33.226 --> 00:01:34.999

Nada tiene sabor

00:01:34.001 --> 00:01:36.999

Saben lo que esa dieta te hace

00:01:36.001 --> 00:01:38.097

Te estriñe te da calambres te enfermas del hígado

00:01:39.178 --> 00:01:41.593

de los riñones de hemorroides inflamación

00:01:41.001 --> 00:01:43.999

Se mueren de sus propios pedos

00:01:48.001 --> 00:01:50.441

Quieren ver más muerte

00:01:50.999 --> 00:01:53.504

Solo tenemos que salir por la puerta de enfrente

00:01:54.556 --> 00:01:55.901

Ese es el alcalde

00:01:56.107 --> 00:01:56.941

Está muerto

00:01:57.149 --> 00:01:59.997

Lleva ahí muerto tres días

00:01:59.262 --> 00:02:00.622

Nadie ha hecho nada

00:02:00.822 --> 00:02:01.742

No lo han movido

00:02:01.999 --> 00:02:03.727

No han investigado su muerte

00:02:03.935 --> 00:02:05.857

ni lo han reemplazado con alguien temporal

00:02:06.998 --> 00:02:09.643

Los últimos 3 días el funcionario más elevado del pueblo

00:02:09.852 --> 00:02:11.028

ha sido un muerto

00:02:12.989 --> 00:02:13.999

Miren eso Miren eso

00:02:13.881 --> 00:02:17.001

Los lobos se lo están llevando como para darme la razón

00:02:17.999 --> 00:02:21.001

Adiós Sr Alcalde Que se divierta volviéndose caca de lobo

00:02:21.001 --> 00:02:22.999

Dios mío

00:02:23.001 --> 00:02:25.999

Eso amigos es el Oeste americano

00:02:25.999 --> 00:02:29.559

Una fosa séptica de desesperanza y al diablo con todo

00:02:29.768 --> 00:02:30.001

Por qué no te callas

Available in 6 languages

Duration

151 seconds

Views

635

Timestamp in Movie

00:14:32

Uploaded

Mar 10, 2026

Genres

comedy, western

Production

RGB Media,Fuzzy Door Productions,MRC,Bluegrass Films

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Movie Summary

As a cowardly farmer begins to fall for the mysterious new woman in town, he must put his newly found courage to the test when her husband, a notorious gun-slinger, announces his arrival.