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Edward:Albert, I know everything seems hopeless right now, but I promise you, there's so much to live for.Albert:Really? Is there? What is there to live for on the frontier in 1882? Huh? Look, let me tell you something. We live in a terrible place and time. The American West is A disgusting, awful, dirty, dangerous place. Look around you. Everything out here that's not you wants to kill you. Outlaws, angry drunk people, scorned hookers, hungry animals, diseases, major and minor injuries, Indians, the weather. You can get killed just going to the bathroom. I take my life in my hands every time I walk out to my outhouse. There's fucking rattlesnakes all in the grass out there. And even if I make it, you know what can kill me? Cholera. You know cholera?Edward: The Black Shit.Albert:The Black Shit. The latest offering in the frontier's disease-of-the-month club. And even if you survive all those things, you know what else can kill you? The fucking doctor. The doctor can kill you. I had a cold a couple of years ago. I went in there. You know what he said to me? He goes, "Oh, you need an ear nail." A nail in my fucking ear! That is modern medicine for you. "Yeah, Doc, I have a fever of 102." "Oh, you need a donkey kickin'." You know our pastor has shot two people? Our pastor. Honest to God. Shot a guy in a duel and then went back and killed the guy's teenage son because he was afraid he would kill him out of revenge.Edward:Wait, how do you know that?Albert:Because he did a whole fucking sermon about it! A lesson about seeing things through.Albert:By the way, look at this. See those guys over there? The guys who work in the silver mines? See what they're eating? Ribs doused in hot sauce! They eat hot, spicy foods every meal of the day. Do you know why? Because their palates are so completely fucking dulled from inhaling poison gas 12 hours a day down in the mines. That's all they can taste. You know what that kind of diet does to your guts? Constipation, cramps, dyspepsia, liver disease, kidney disease, hemorrhoids, bowel inflammation. They literally die from their own farts.Albert:And, oh, oh, you wanna see more death? All we gotta do is get up and walk out the front door.Albert:*That* is our mayor. He is *dead*. He has been lying there, dead, for three days. No one has done a thing. Not moved him, not looked into his death, not even replaced him with a temporary appointee. For the last three days, the highest-ranking official in our town has been a dead guy. Oh! Look at that! Look at that!Albert:Wolves are dragging the body away as if to illustrate my point! Bye! Bye, Mr. Mayor! Have fun becoming wolf shit! Bye! God!Albert:That, my friends, is the American West. A disgusting, awful, dirty cesspool of despair and fuck all of it
Full Transcript
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Albert I know everything seems hopeless right now
00:00:03.461 --> 00:00:06.214
but I promise you there's so much to live for
00:00:07.089 --> 00:00:08.466
Really Is there
00:00:08.549 --> 00:00:11.719
What is there to live for on the frontier in 1882 Huh
00:00:11.886 --> 00:00:13.262
Look let me tell you something
00:00:13.346 --> 00:00:15.848
We live in a terrible place and time
00:00:15.932 --> 00:00:19.056
The American West is a disgusting awful dirty dangerous place
00:00:19.644 --> 00:00:20.645
Look around you
00:00:20.728 --> 00:00:23.272
Everything out here that's not you wants to kill you
00:00:23.356 --> 00:00:26.818
Outlaws angry drunk people scorned hookers hungry animals
00:00:26.901 --> 00:00:30.279
diseases major and minor injuries Indians the weather
00:00:30.363 --> 00:00:32.073
You can get killed just going to the bathroom
00:00:32.156 --> 00:00:35.159
I take my life in my hands every time I walk out to my outhouse
00:00:35.243 --> 00:00:37.161
There's fucking rattlesnakes all in the grass out there
00:00:37.245 --> 00:00:39.539
And even if I make it you know what can kill me
00:00:39.622 --> 00:00:41.374
Cholera You know cholera
00:00:41.457 --> 00:00:43.501
The Black Shit The Black Shit
00:00:43.584 --> 00:00:46.337
The latest offering in the frontier's disease of the month club
00:00:46.042 --> 00:00:49.002
And even if you survive all those things
00:00:49.131 --> 00:00:50.258
you know what else can kill you
00:00:50.341 --> 00:00:53.998
The fucking doctor The doctor can kill you
00:00:53.001 --> 00:00:54.595
I had a cold a couple of years ago I went in there
00:00:54.679 --> 00:00:55.847
You know what he said to me He goes
00:00:55.093 --> 00:00:57.003
Oh you need an ear nail
00:00:57.999 --> 00:00:58.599
A nail in my fucking ear
00:00:58.683 --> 00:00:59.767
That is modern medicine for you
00:00:59.851 --> 00:01:01.143
Yeah Doc I have a fever of 102
00:01:01.227 --> 00:01:02.854
Oh you need a donkey kickin'
00:01:02.937 --> 00:01:06.998
You know our pastor has shot two people Our pastor
00:01:06.148 --> 00:01:07.149
No no No
00:01:07.233 --> 00:01:08.999
Honest to God Shot a guy in a duel
00:01:08.693 --> 00:01:11.999
and then went back and killed the guy's teenage son
00:01:11.999 --> 00:01:13.001
because he was afraid he would kill him out of revenge
00:01:13.364 --> 00:01:14.866
Wait how do you know that
00:01:14.949 --> 00:01:17.999
Because he did a whole fucking sermon about it
00:01:17.577 --> 00:01:19.999
A lesson about seeing things through
00:01:20.006 --> 00:01:21.539
By the way look at this See those guys over there
00:01:21.622 --> 00:01:23.666
The guys who work in the silver mines See what they're eating
00:01:23.749 --> 00:01:25.002
Ribs doused in hot sauce
00:01:25.126 --> 00:01:27.461
They eat hot spicy foods every meal of the day
00:01:27.545 --> 00:01:28.999
Do you know why
00:01:28.001 --> 00:01:30.673
Because their palates are so completely fucking dulled
00:01:30.756 --> 00:01:33.426
from inhaling poisoned gas 12 hours a day down in the mines
00:01:33.509 --> 00:01:34.001
That's all they can taste
00:01:34.886 --> 00:01:36.429
You know what that kind of diet does to your guts
00:01:36.512 --> 00:01:39.223
Constipation cramps dyspepsia liver disease
00:01:39.307 --> 00:01:41.851
kidney disease hemorrhoids bowel inflammation
00:01:41.934 --> 00:01:44.996
They literally die from their own farts
00:01:48.001 --> 00:01:50.776
And oh oh you want to see more death
00:01:50.086 --> 00:01:53.738
All we got to do is get up and walk out the front door
00:01:54.697 --> 00:01:55.999
That is our mayor
00:01:56.157 --> 00:01:57.158
He is dead
00:01:57.241 --> 00:01:59.041
He has been lying there dead for three days
00:01:59.999 --> 00:02:00.087
No one has done a thing
00:02:00.953 --> 00:02:03.831
Not moved him not looked into his death
00:02:03.001 --> 00:02:06.998
not even replaced him with a temporary appointee
00:02:06.167 --> 00:02:09.999
For the last three days the highest ranking official in our town
00:02:09.999 --> 00:02:11.464
has been a dead guy
00:02:11.547 --> 00:02:13.001
Oh Look at that Look at that
00:02:13.001 --> 00:02:17.072
Wolves are dragging the body away as if to illustrate my point
00:02:17.887 --> 00:02:19.001
Bye Bye Mr Mayor
00:02:19.001 --> 00:02:21.999
Bye Have fun becoming wolf shit Bye
00:02:21.999 --> 00:02:22.999
God
00:02:23.351 --> 00:02:25.001
That my friends is the American West
00:02:25.001 --> 00:02:29.941
A disgusting awful dirty cesspool of despair and fuck all of it
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Movie Summary
As a cowardly farmer begins to fall for the mysterious new woman in town, he must put his newly found courage to the test when her husband, a notorious gun-slinger, announces his arrival.