Do I have an original thought in my head? My bald head. Maybe if I were happier, my hair...

[first lines]

Charlie Kaufman:
[voiceover]
Do I have an original thought in my head? My bald head. Maybe if I were happier, my hair wouldn't be falling out. Life is short. I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm a walking cliché. I really need to go to the doctor and have my leg checked. There's something wrong. A bump. The dentist called again. I'm way overdue. If I stop putting things off, I would be happier. All I do is sit on my fat ass. If my ass wasn't fat I would be happier. I wouldn't have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time. Like that's fooling anyone. Fat ass. I should start jogging again. Five miles a day. Really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing. I need to turn my life around. What do I need to do? I need to fall in love. I need to have a girlfriend. I need to read more, improve myself. What if I learned Russian or something? Or took up an instrument? I could speak Chinese. I'd be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese and plays the oboe. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short. Stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that? Just be real. Confident. Isn't that what women are attracted to? Men don't have to be attractive. But that's not true. Especially these days. Almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence? Maybe it's my brain chemistry. Maybe that's what's wrong with me. Bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help for that. But I'll still be ugly though. Nothing's gonna change that.

Do I have an original thought in my head? My bald head? Maybe if I were happier, my hair wouldn't be falling out. Life is short. I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm a walking cliché. I really need to go to the doctor, have my leg checked. There's something wrong. A bump. The dentist called again. I'm way overdue. If I stopped putting things off, I'd be happier. All I do is sit on my fat ass. If my ass wasn't fat, I'd be happier. I wouldn't have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time. Like that's fooling anyone. Fat ass. I should start jogging again. Five miles a day. Really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing. I need to turn my life around. What do I need to do? I need to fall in love. I need to have a girlfriend. I need to read more, improve myself. What if I learned Russian or something? Or took up an instrument? I could speak Chinese. I would be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese. And plays the oboe. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short. Stop trying to fool everyone into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that? Just be real. Confident. Isn't that what women are attracted to? Men don't have to be attractive. But that's not true, especially these days. Almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence? Maybe it's my brain chemistry. Bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help for that. But I'll still be ugly, though. Nothing's gonna change that. Shut up! Shut up! Okay? Let's really try today to solve our camera problems. Keep between-take time at an absolute minimum. These masks are really hot. Okay? I wanna be very well-heard on that from everybody. Don't futz unless it's absolutely important to the shot, okay? I don't say that for me. I say that for the people sitting here Thank you. In the rubber. - I like my dress. Okay? - Very good. So now, folks, you better heed that advice. Okay? Heed that advice. Stand by for picture. Have her rotate around the table a little bit further. Hold on until we're clear. You. You're in the eyeline. Can you please get off the stage? Yeah, just bring in the six-footer. What am I doing here? Why did I bother to come here today? Nobody even seems to know my name. I've been on this planet for 40 years, and I don't understand a single thing. Why am I here? How did I get here? My leg hurts. I wonder if it's cancer. There's a bump. I'm starting to sweat. Stop sweating. I've got to stop sweating. Can she see it dripping down my forehead? She looked at my hairline. She thinks I'm bald. She... We think you're great. Oh, wow. Thanks. That's nice to hear. We all just loved the Malkovich script. Thanks. Thanks... Such a unique voice. Boy, I'd love to find a portal into your brain. Trust me, it's no fun. Heh, heh. So tell me your thoughts on this crazy little project of ours. First, I think it's a great book. Laroche is a fun character. Absolutely. And Orlean makes orchids so fascinating. Plus, her musings on Florida and orchid poaching, Indians. It's just... It's great, sprawling New Yorker stuff. I'd want to remain true to that. I'd wanna let the movie exist, rather than be artificially plot-driven. Great. I guess I'm not exactly sure what that means. Oh. I'm not sure I know what that means either. I don't wanna ruin it by making it a Hollywood thing. You know? Like an orchid heist movie or something, you know? Or changing the orchids into poppies and making it about drug running. Definitely. Why can't there be a movie simply about flowers? I guess we thought that maybe Susan Orlean and Laroche could fall in love, and... Okay. But I'm saying, it's like, I don't wanna cram in sex or guns or car chases, you know, or characters, you know,