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What was the old record you hold so dear
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Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart

What was the old record you hold so dear in the women's 200-meter dumb-fuck stroke?

What was the old record you hold so dear in the women's 200-meter dumb-fuck stroke?

Full Transcript

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What was the old record you hold so dear
00:00:03.998 --> 00:00:05.421
in the women's 200-meter dumb-fuck stroke?
Duration
6 seconds
Views
39
Timestamp in Movie
01:00:27
Uploaded
Apr 01, 2025
Genres
comedy
Production
N/A

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Movie Summary

Comedian Ari Shaffir tackles controversial topics like terrorism, gun violence, racism, and more in his stand-up special. With a darkly humorous approach, he explores unexpected perspectives on sensitive social and political issues.
If that made you mad, look inwards, - Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart 00:10
If that made you mad, look inwards,
I'm not saying it doesn't matter to anybody, - Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart 00:07
I'm not saying it doesn't matter to anybody,
Which you don't, - Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart 00:06
Which you don't,
Can you swim fast? "Yeah, I can swim really fast." - Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart 00:09
Can you swim fast? "Yeah, I can swim really fast."
"What do you mean? I was just gonna swim like that. Like, no? That's the best way." - Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart 00:10
"What do you mean? I was just gonna swim like that. Lik...
[chuckles] - Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart 00:13
[chuckles]
Guys, when I have-- When I sometimes I go out for spicy food, - Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart 00:09
Guys, when I have-- When I sometimes I go out for spicy food...
Yeah. Sometimes just a few drops, you know? And then sometimes it's a lot. - Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart 00:06
Yeah. Sometimes just a few drops, you know? And then sometim...
And it just won't stop, and so I have to get on with my day. - Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart 00:05
And it just won't stop, and so I have to get on with my...
So I have to take a wad of toilet paper, and I bunch it up, - Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart 00:07
So I have to take a wad of toilet paper, and I bunch it up,
I cork up my asshole so it soaks it up in there, - Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart 00:06
I cork up my asshole so it soaks it up in there,
Yeah, otherwise, it'll bleed into my underwear, - Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart 00:09
Yeah, otherwise, it'll bleed into my underwear,
Having a bloody fucking asshole in fucking jury duty. - Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart 00:05
Having a bloody fucking asshole in fucking jury duty.
Sometimes, it gets dislodged on its own through my movements through the day. - Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart 00:05
Sometimes, it gets dislodged on its own through my movements...
It gets dislodged, and it'll work its way down my jeans, and come out. - Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart 00:06
It gets dislodged, and it'll work its way down my jeans...
"Is that a fucking wadded up piece of bloody toilet paper on your floor?" - Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart 00:13
"Is that a fucking wadded up piece of bloody toilet pap...
Everyone's mad. They're like, "They were in last place last year, - Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart 00:08
Everyone's mad. They're like, "They were in l...
Find one. Go to one of the trans academies, or whate-- - Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart 00:07
Find one. Go to one of the trans academies, or whate--
Start shoving 'em into a lake until one of them floats, - Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart 00:06
Start shoving 'em into a lake until one of them floats,
Guys, these "focus on positives" I've been telling you, - Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart 00:06
Guys, these "focus on positives" I've been te...