"Bernie" quotes

Bernie poster
In small-town Texas, an affable mortician strikes up a friendship with a wealthy widow, though when she starts to become controlling, he goes to great lengths to separate himself from her gr... Read all

Director: Richard Linklater
Writer: Skip Hollandsworth, Richard Linklater
Production: N/A
Year: 2011
MetaScore: 75/100
ImdbRating: 6.8
BoxOffice: $9,206,470
Released: 22 Jun 2012
Awards: 10 wins & 19 nominations

53 Clips

I knew he was in trouble - Bernie 00:29
I knew he was in trouble
Now you - Bernie 00:19
Now you
'cause that old heifer - Bernie 00:07
'cause that old heifer
Shouldn't be allowed out of the county - Bernie 00:06
Shouldn't be allowed out of the county
Let me tell you he's an angel alright - Bernie 00:07
Let me tell you he's an angel alright
Now one of the main things and why I have this job - Bernie 00:10
Now one of the main things and why I have this job
A kid would wrap his car around a tree - Bernie 00:12
A kid would wrap his car around a tree
And the kicker is he always wore sandals - Bernie 00:28
And the kicker is he always wore sandals
And she probably there are people in town honey - Bernie 00:13
And she probably there are people in town honey
If you pardon my reach Mrs Thompson - Bernie 00:06
If you pardon my reach Mrs Thompson
The eyes are often a minor problem - Bernie 00:19
The eyes are often a minor problem
Or more adept at the final procedures - Bernie 00:17
Or more adept at the final procedures
I can see him ever killing anybody - Bernie 00:35
I can see him ever killing anybody
Your honor counsel ladies and gentlemen of the jury - Bernie 00:35
Your honor counsel ladies and gentlemen of the jury
So why did you leave the body there - Bernie 00:24
So why did you leave the body there
These economy boxes are not very large - Bernie 00:19
These economy boxes are not very large
J ust a note to always remember - Bernie 00:07
J ust a note to always remember
I wrote the warden a letter - Bernie 00:35
I wrote the warden a letter
Can I tell you I am not fond of cremations - Bernie 00:09
Can I tell you I am not fond of cremations
I n a small town people will always - Bernie 00:10
I n a small town people will always
How do you do that - Bernie 00:09
How do you do that
Trials are generally moved when the judge determines - Bernie 00:34
Trials are generally moved when the judge determines
I mean he just made everybody look so beautiful - Bernie 00:10
I mean he just made everybody look so beautiful
And we must always be on guard for the mischievous lip drift - Bernie 00:15
And we must always be on guard for the mischievous lip drift
Well Bernie was so nice - Bernie 00:18
Well Bernie was so nice
Well I know the Bible says - Bernie 00:16
Well I know the Bible says
It's not as bad as people say it is - Bernie 00:11
It's not as bad as people say it is
She would chew your ass at the drop of a hat - Bernie 00:11
She would chew your ass at the drop of a hat
It's not as bad as people say it is - Bernie 00:26
It's not as bad as people say it is
It's almost like they want one last look at this miraculous world - Bernie 00:49
It's almost like they want one last look at this miraculous...
If you pardon my reach - Bernie 00:16
If you pardon my reach
I wrote the warden a letter - Bernie 01:46
I wrote the warden a letter
You've got two minutes to explain these accounts to me - Bernie 01:00
You've got two minutes to explain these accounts to me
In a small town - Bernie 00:27
In a small town
I am not fond of cremations - Bernie 00:33
I am not fond of cremations
How do you do that - Bernie 00:27
How do you do that
He's an angel all right - Bernie 00:20
He's an angel all right
He just made everybody look so beautiful - Bernie 00:15
He just made everybody look so beautiful
He graduated from here about 15 years ago - Bernie 01:10
He graduated from here about 15 years ago
'Cause that old heifer - Bernie 00:19
'Cause that old heifer
But in all the years I've been doing this for a living - Bernie 01:38
But in all the years I've been doing this for a living
But it didn't say liquor store wine - Bernie 00:40
But it didn't say liquor store wine
Bernie was so nice - Bernie 00:34
Bernie was so nice
And the kicker is he always wore sandals - Bernie 01:08
And the kicker is he always wore sandals
And we must always be on guard for the mischievous lip drift - Bernie 00:39
And we must always be on guard for the mischievous lip drift
A kid would wrap his car around a tree - Bernie 00:29
A kid would wrap his car around a tree
These economy boxes are not very large - Bernie 00:48
These economy boxes are not very large
There are people in town - Bernie 00:35
There are people in town
So why did you leave the body there - Bernie 01:00
So why did you leave the body there
She would chew your ass out at the drop of a hat - Bernie 00:31
She would chew your ass out at the drop of a hat
Now one of the main things and why I have this job - Bernie 00:30
Now one of the main things and why I have this job
Ladies and gentlemen - Bernie 02:44
Ladies and gentlemen
Just a note to always remember - Bernie 00:23
Just a note to always remember

Cast

Bernie Tiede - Jack Black
Marjorie Nugent - Shirley MacLaine
Danny Buck - Matthew McConaughey
Scrappy Holmes - Brady Coleman
Lloyd Hornbuckle - Richard Robichaux
Don Leggett - Rick Dial
Sheriff Huckabee - Brandon Smith
Rev. Woodard - Larry Jack Dotson
Carl (as Matthew Greer) - Mathew Greer
Townsperson - Marjorie Dome
Townsperson - Tim Cariker
Townsperson - Fern Luker
Townsperson - Jack Payne
Townsperson (as Sonny Davis) - Sonny Carl Davis
Townsperson - Chris Humphrey
Townsperson - Ann Reeves
Townsperson - Kay Epperson
Townsperson - Ira Bounds
Townsperson - James Baker
Townsperson - Kay McConaughey
Townsperson - Kristi Youngblood
Townsperson - Kenny Brevard
Townsperson - Margaret Bowman
Townsperson - Mollie Fuller
Townsperson - Tanja Givens
Townsperson - Glenda Jones
Townsperson - Travis Blevins
Townsperson - Sylvia Froman
Townsperson - Martha Long
Townsperson - Jo Perkins
Townsperson - Reba Tarjick
Townsperson - Dale Dudley
Townsperson - James Wilson
Townsperson - Teresa Edwards
Townsperson - Billy Vaticalos
Townsperson - Rob Anthony
Larry Brumley (as Tommy Kendrick) - Tommy G. Kendrick
Townsperson - Pam McDonald
Townsperson - Kathy Gollmitzer
Townsperson - Cozette McNeely
Professor Fleming - Richard Andrew Jones
Friend of Deceased - Charles Bailey
Mrs. Pebworth - Suzi McLaughlin
Mr. Eckles - Grant James
Mrs. Eckles - Juli Erickson
Dwayne Nugent - J.D. Young
Dwayne Jr. (as Charlie Stewart) - Charlie m Stewart
Lewie - Joe Stevens
Esmerelda - Raquel Gavia
Church Goer (as Amparo Garcia-Crow) - Amparo García
Oil Worker - Toby Metcalf
Chainsaw Artist - Doug Moreland
Pianist - Edward Ji
Guys & Dolls Performer - Jill Blackwood
Kevin - Gabriel Luna
Photographer (as Deanna Newcomb) - Deana Newcomb
Assistant Director - David Steakley
Bank Manager - Peter Harrell Jr.
Deputy Sheriff (as Joe Reynolds) - Joe Leroy Reynolds
Truck Driver - Christian Stokes
Generator Operator - John Hornbuckle
Sheriff's Deputy #2 - Wray Crawford
Café Waitress - Margaret Hoard
TV Reporter - Quita Culpepper
Cashier - Mona Lee Fultz
Judge - Jerry Biggs
Lead Juror - Robert Works
Community Theater Group - Chris Barfield
Community Theater Group - Taylor Bryant
Community Theater Group - Colin Bevis
Community Theater Group - Jacqui Bloom
Community Theater Group - Joshua Denning
Community Theater Group - Ellie Edwards
Community Theater Group - Alaina Flores
Community Theater Group - Jennifer Foster
Community Theater Group - Leslie Hethcox
Community Theater Group - Jordan Hill
Community Theater Group - Berkley Jones
Community Theater Group - Trevor McGinnis
Community Theater Group - Mika Odom
Community Theater Group - Chell Parkins
Community Theater Group - David Ponton
Community Theater Group - Gray Randolph
Community Theater Group - Rachel Hull-Ryde
Community Theater Group - Ian Saunders
Community Theater Group - Madelyn Shaffer
Community Theater Group - Larissa Slota
Community Theater Group - Daniel Rae Srivastava
Community Theater Group - Ellen Stader
Community Theater Group - Lara Wright
Mrs. Senior Carthage Pageant Contestant - Betty Andrews
Mrs. Senior Carthage Pageant Contestant - Marcia Bailey
Mrs. Senior Carthage Pageant Contestant - Umpy Bechtol
Mrs. Senior Carthage Pageant Contestant - Nita Bouldin
Mrs. Senior Carthage Pageant Contestant - Nellie Hickerson
Mrs. Senior Carthage Pageant Contestant (as Jeanetta Kloppe) - Jeanette Kloppe
Mrs. Senior Carthage Pageant Contestant - Geraldine Miller
Mrs. Senior Carthage Pageant Contestant - Sharon Rigsbee
Mrs. Senior Carthage Pageant Contestant - Debbie Shaw
Mrs. Senior Carthage Pageant Contestant - Flo Weiershausen
Mrs. Senior Carthage Pageant Contestant - Gina Wooten
Juror - Gary Askins
Juror (as Benjamin Bachelder) - Ben Bachelder
Juror - Stacey Bruck
Juror - Lesa Brooks
Juror - Gayla Bruce
Juror - Jeff Davis
Juror (as Kenneth Liverman) - Kenneth C. Liverman
Townsperson - Patty Allieri
Mortuary Student - Heath Allyn
Restaurant Patron - Cheryl Bond Danks
Mourner - Fred Bothwell
Mourner - Steve Cauley
Grim Reaper - Prison Guard - Gene Cervenka
Upscale Shopper / Pageant Attendee - Rebecca Chulew
Sheriff Deputy #3 - Erik Collins
Prison Visitor - Franky Coronado
Hard Body Onlooker - Randy Coy
Prison Visitor - Wendy Crouse
Restaurant Patron - Garret Danks
Townsperson - Daniel B. Davis
Church Attendee - Richard Dodwell
Bernies Prison Guard - Eddy Fitzgerald
Parisian Diner - June Griffin Garcia
Funeral Mourner - Terry Harrison
Carthaginian Resident - Paul Heckmann
Marti Gras Party Goer - Connie Kennedy
The Corpse - Stephen C. Kerr
Courtroom Witness - Robert H. Lambert
Grieving Widow - Rudi Lee
Funeral Home Patron - Floyd Lloyd
Mourner - Jesse Lucio
Federal Agent - Kevin Machate
Choirboy - Jim Mangum
TV News Cameraman - Patrick Martin Jr.
Reporter - Angela McClure
Small Deputy - Timothy McKinney
Mourner - Caroline McNeil
Hearse Driver - Joe Nelson
Courthouse Vendor - Earl Nottingham
Church Patron - Veronica Pierce
Choir Member / Churchgoer - Skye Polchert
Press Photographer - Mitchell Rad
Courtroom Visitor - Angelita Aronce Sorensen
Neighborhood Onlooker - Gary Teague
Bernie's Haloween Party Reveler / Conga Line - Wendy Tobias
Church Member - Adrun Wilson
Photographer / Churchgoer - Heath Young
Action News Cameraman - Daniel Zubiate