During the War I did Arctic runs that would've made HMS Ulysses look like a trip to...
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Captain:
During the War I did Arctic runs that would've made HMS Ulysses look like a trip to Brighton. Without getting a scratch! Two days on a simple cruise with you lot and look at me!
[Knock on door]
Captain:
Come in!
Haines:
[Humming cheerfully as he enters]
Good morning sir! Some coffee to soothe your nerves. Calm you down. There, there, I always say worse things happen at sea.
Captain:
We are at sea, you land-locked nit!
Haines:
Well, you wouldn't know it. These modern stabilisers are marvellous...
Captain:
[Knock on door]
Come in! You're late.
Doctor:
Sorry, sir. A lot of work to clear up. What with his face, and his wrist, and your nut... erm... your head, sir. Well, well, well, how are we all feeling now?
Marjoribanks, Haines, Tom Tree, Sam Turner, Barman:
Good!
Captain:
Shut up. I usually penalise defaulters by stopping 'em a day's pay. If I did that with you, you'd owe the company money. So I'll have to be content with a few words. You, for a start, Marjoribanks.
Marjoribanks:
Oh, sir, you got my name right, at last.
Captain:
I'm in the mood for using the right words. You, Marjoribanks, are a rotten...
[seagull squawks]
Marjoribanks:
[All exit the Captain's Dayroom]
I tell you, my ears are burning.
Doctor:
I shouldn't wonder. Someone's been talking about you.
Marjoribanks:
Do you think he's ever studied medicine?
Doctor:
I wouldn't think so, no. Why?
Marjoribanks:
In describing us, he employed a great deal of physiological terminology.
Doctor:
Well, he was medically incorrect in what he called you. Come on.
[Marjoribanks looks at the Doctor in mock horror]
Transcript
00:00:12.000 --> 00:00:13.558
Good morning, madam.
00:00:13.064 --> 00:00:16.313
l see by your hat you've been to Mecca.
00:00:18.004 --> 00:00:19.753
Your tea, madam.
00:00:19.084 --> 00:00:22.007
Why don't you feed the camel? He looks hungry.
00:00:22.016 --> 00:00:23.434
Aye.
00:00:24.052 --> 00:00:25.873
Yes, l will. Certainly.
00:00:25.096 --> 00:00:29.589
- l'd rather not discuss the Suez Canal.
- Me neither.
00:00:30.064 --> 00:00:33.552
MlSS MADDERLEY:
Very well. l'd love to meet your four wives.
00:00:35.012 --> 00:00:37.001
Yes.
00:00:38.048 --> 00:00:40.436
(Door closes)
00:00:40.052 --> 00:00:42.476
Oh, tea!
00:00:42.056 --> 00:00:45.711
Hoo-hoo! Or should l say er...chai?
00:00:45.008 --> 00:00:48.003
(Giggles) Chai.
00:00:51.036 --> 00:00:52.839
(Knocking)
- Come in.
00:00:52.092 --> 00:00:57.118
Good morning, sir. Nice new day, nice new start.
You watch me zip through the paperwork.
00:00:57.002 --> 00:00:58.349
- Lie down.
- Eh?
00:00:58.044 --> 00:01:00.874
- l'm gonna find out what makes you tick.
- Tick, sir?
00:01:00.096 --> 00:01:03.554
- Psychologically speaking.
- l don't understand you.
00:01:03.064 --> 00:01:05.001
That makes us even, cos l don't understand you.
00:01:05.088 --> 00:01:07.279
You mogadore me.
00:01:07.036 --> 00:01:11.717
lnside you, Marjoribanks, you must be a writhing
mass of complexes, egos, and all that gear.
00:01:11.008 --> 00:01:15.679
A captain has to understand his men.
And that is why l am gonna psychoanalyse you.
00:01:15.001 --> 00:01:17.512
Freud knew what he was talking about.
00:01:17.999 --> 00:01:21.999
- On the other hand, l'm not a Jung man.
- Well, as long as you're Jung at heart!
00:01:21.028 --> 00:01:24.636
What are you talking about?
There you go again, flying off on a tangent.
00:01:24.072 --> 00:01:25.755
Couch.
00:01:25.084 --> 00:01:29.001
- Couch, not crouch, you fool! Get over there!
- Terribly sorry.
00:01:29.999 --> 00:01:31.276
- Right, now then, talk.
- Talk what?
00:01:31.036 --> 00:01:33.999
Anything.
That's how they do this psycho malarkey.
00:01:34.998 --> 00:01:35.999
- l feel silly.
- You don't look silly.
00:01:35.092 --> 00:01:37.114
- l do.
- You don't.
00:01:37.002 --> 00:01:38.679
- l know l do.
- l swear you don't.
00:01:38.001 --> 00:01:42.116
- What do l look like, then?
- Lovely. Languid like a lily. Come on, talk.
00:01:43.016 --> 00:01:46.232
- That's very vivid.
- What is?
00:01:46.999 --> 00:01:50.998
- That phrase you used - languid as a lily.
- ls it?
00:01:50.016 --> 00:01:53.709
- Yes. Are you interested in flowers?
- Oh, yes.
00:01:53.008 --> 00:01:55.095
- Do you enjoy gardening?
- Very much.
00:01:56.006 --> 00:01:59.999
- Got a nice garden at home?
- The envy of the Horticultural Society.
00:01:59.044 --> 00:02:02.001
- Do you belong to many societies?
- Quite a few.
00:02:02.999 --> 00:02:04.008
- Gregarious, eh?
- No, Taurus.
00:02:04.088 --> 00:02:07.235
Ooh! lnterested in astrology, too.
00:02:07.999 --> 00:02:09.999
- Yes, sit down.
- Oh, thanks.
00:02:10.000 --> 00:02:12.001
Now, quickly, what does this make you think of?
00:02:12.001 --> 00:02:13.999
- The bull.
- Horns.
00:02:13.001 --> 00:02:15.001
- Horns.
- No, hang on a minute.
00:02:15.001 --> 00:02:19.993
- Horns of a dilemma, for example?
- How did you know?
00:02:19.016 --> 00:02:22.999
Yes. Put your feet up.
We are getting somewhere.
00:02:22.001 --> 00:02:25.001
- We are not! l'm supposed to be doing you!
- Captain, don't quibble, please.
00:02:25.999 --> 00:02:28.001
Horns of a dilemma - that's it.
That's your analysis.
00:02:28.999 --> 00:02:31.012
You see everything as a dilemma.
00:02:31.016 --> 00:02:33.999
- You see everything as a problem.
- Very true.
00:02:33.044 --> 00:02:35.001
Because of your deep-rooted inferiority complex.
00:02:35.999 --> 00:02:38.999
- l don't feel inferior.
- Of course you don't. lt's all in your ucs.
00:02:39.013 --> 00:02:40.274
- My what?
- Your ucs.
00:02:40.001 --> 00:02:42.999
- So are you!
- No, UCS - your unconscious.
00:02:42.072 --> 00:02:46.001
Look here, Marjoribanks,
you are supposed to be the idiot, not me!
00:02:46.999 --> 00:02:47.553
How did l get down here?
00:02:47.999 --> 00:02:50.996
lt's always a shock when illusions disperse.
00:02:50.012 --> 00:02:52.001
Don't worry. Now you know your own problems,
00:02:52.001 --> 00:02:55.011
you'll get rid of this idea
that everyone's persecuting you.
00:02:55.012 --> 00:02:56.001
- l will?
- Yes. Of course.
00:02:56.072 --> 00:02:58.999
And forget this fear of new faces.
00:02:58.999 --> 00:03:03.834
New faces can be just as efficient
as the old faces - just as efficient.
Clip duration: 185 seconds
Views: 338
Timestamp in movie: 00h 51m 53s
Uploaded: 18 October, 2021
Genres: comedy, romance
Summary: Captain Crowther's lot is not a happy one! Five of his crew have to be replaced and at such short notice before the voyage begins there isn't much to choose from. Not only does he get the five most incompetent shipmates ever to sail
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