Hey, you guys ever hear the story of the Machete Maniac? I don't know. It's probably too...

Dave: [a lot of people are sitting around a campfire at night] Hey, you guys ever hear the story of the Machete Maniac? [some people say, "let's hear it."] Dave: I don't know. It's probably too scary for you guys. Juan: [with a girl in each arm] No, come on, Dave. Please, tell us the story. Dave: All right, what the hell. This must've been, like, 10 years ago, you know? We had a kid working at the club named Phil Coletti. And one night... it was a night a lot like tonight... this gorgeous woman comes into the club, asks him if he wants to go out into the jungle. He's like, "Yeah. Why not?" So they split. And as they started getting out to the jungle... further and further away from the lights of the club... she starts asking him these questions, like... does he believe in the local legends of the island... voodoo, zombies? He's not too worried about it. He just rolls right over, and starts putting the screws to her. But something doesn't feel right to Coletti. But he can't see shit. It's pitch black, so he just keeps bangin' away. But then - boom! A flash of lightning lights up the whole island, and in that one moment... Coletti looks around and sees, not only is he out in the middle of that old Mayan cemetery... not only are all the other guys from the resort standing around watching him... but he sees that he's having sex with a corpse. A cold, white, dirty-from-the-grave dead body. [some in audience groan] Dave: And they say... Phil Coletti calmly walked to the groundskeeper's shack... found a machete... and chopped those staff members into a hundred pieces. And they say, he took that same machete... chopped his own dick off, and ran screaming into the jungle! Nobody ever saw him after that. But from that point on... Phil Coletti was forever known... as Machete Phil. Island Guest: Are you telling me there's some totally deranged, dickless dude running around out there?