Hello?... Uh... Hello D- uh hello Dmitri? Listen uh uh I can't hear too well. Do you...

[the President calls the Soviet Premier] President Merkin Muffley: [to Kissoff] Hello?... Uh... Hello D- uh hello Dmitri? Listen uh uh I can't hear too well. Do you suppose you could turn the music down just a little?... Oh-ho, that's much better... yeah... huh... yes... Fine, I can hear you now, Dmitri... Clear and plain and coming through fine... I'm coming through fine, too, eh?... Good, then... well, then, as you say, we're both coming through fine... Good... Well, it's good that you're fine and... and I'm fine... I agree with you, it's great to be fine... a-ha-ha-ha-ha... Now then, Dmitri, you know how we've always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the Bomb... The *Bomb*, Dmitri... The *hydrogen* bomb!... Well now, what happened is... ahm... one of our base commanders, he had a sort of... well, he went a little funny in the head... you know... just a little... funny. And, ah... he went and did a silly thing... Well, I'll tell you what he did. He ordered his planes... to attack your country... Ah... Well, let me finish, Dmitri... Let me finish, Dmitri... Well listen, how do you think I feel about it?... Can you *imagine* how I feel about it, Dmitri?... Why do you think I'm calling you? Just to say hello?... *Of course* I like to speak to you!... *Of course* I like to say hello!... Not now, but anytime, Dmitri. I'm just calling up to tell you something terrible has happened... It's a *friendly* call. Of course it's a friendly call... Listen, if it wasn't friendly... you probably wouldn't have even got it... They will *not* reach their targets for at least another hour... I am... I am positive, Dmitri... Listen, I've been all over this with your ambassador. It is not a trick... Well, I'll tell you. We'd like to give your air staff a complete run-down on the targets, the flight plans, and the defensive systems of the planes... Yes! I mean i-i-i-if we're unable to recall the planes, then... I'd say that, ah... well, ah... we're just gonna have to help you destroy them, Dmitri... I know they're our boys... All right, well listen now. Who should we call?... *Who* should we call, Dmitri? The... wha-whe, the People... you, sorry, you faded away there... The People's Central Air Defense Headquarters... Where is that, Dmitri?... In Omsk... Right... Yes... Oh, you'll call them first, will you?... Uh-huh... Listen, do you happen to have the phone number on you, Dmitri?... Whe-ah, what? I see, just ask for Omsk information... Ah-ah-eh-uhm-hm... I'm sorry, too, Dmitri... I'm very sorry... *All right*, you're sorrier than I am, but I am as sorry as well... I am as sorry as you are, Dmitri! Don't say that you're more sorry than I am, because I'm capable of being just as sorry as you are... So we're both sorry, all right?... All right.

Hello? Hello, Dimitri? Listen, I can't hear too well. Could you turn the music down a little? That's much better. Yeah. Yeah. Fine. I can hear you now, Dimitri. Clear and plain and coming through fine. I'm coming through fine, too, eh? Good. Well, then, as you say, we're both coming through fine. Good. It's good that you're fine... and I'm fine. I agree with you. It's great to be fine. Now, Dimitri... you know how we've always talked about the possibility... of something going wrong with the bomb. The bomb, Dimitri. The hydrogen bomb. Well, now, what happened is... one of our base commanders, he had a sort of... Well, he went a little funny in the head. You know, just a little funny. And he went and did a silly thing. I'll tell you what he did. He ordered his planes... to attack your country. Let me finish, Dimitri. Let me finish, Dimitri. Listen, how do you think I feel about it? Can you imagine how I feel about it, Dimitri? Why do you think I'm calling you? Just to say hello? Of course I like to speak to you! Of course I like to say hello! Not now, but anytime, Dimitri. I'm just calling up to tell you something terrible has happened. Of course, it's a friendly call. Listen, if it wasn't friendly, you probably wouldn't have even got it. They will not reach their targets for at least another hour. I am positive, Dimitri. I've been all over this with your ambassador. It is not a trick. I'll tell you. We'd like to give your Air Staff a complete rundown on the targets... the flight plans and defensive systems of the planes. Yes, if we're unable to recall the planes... I'd say, well... we're just gonna have to help you destroy them, Dimitri. I know they're our boys. Listen. Now, who should we call? Who should we call? Sorry, you faded away. The Peoples Central Air Defense Headquarters. Where is that, Dimitri? In Omsk. Right. Yes. You'll call them first, will you? Do you happen to have the phone number on you, Dimitri? What? I see. Just ask for Omsk information. I'm sorry too, Dimitri. I'm very sorry. All right, you're sorrier than I am. But I am sorry as well. I am as sorry as you are, Dimitri. Don't say that you're more sorry than I am... because I'm capable of being just as sorry as you are. So we're both sorry, all right? All right. Yes, he's right here. Yes, he wants to talk to you. Just a second. What? What? What is it? What? The fools. The mad fools. What's happened? The doomsday machine. The doomsday machine? What is that? A device which will destroy all human and animal life on Earth. All human and animal life? - Mandrake? - Yes, Jack? Have you ever seen a Commie drink a glass of water? Well, I can't say I have, Jack. Vodka. That's what they drink, isn't it? Never water. I believe that's what they drink, yes. On no account will a Commie ever drink water... and not without good reason. Oh, yes. I can't quite see what you're getting at. Water. That's what I'm getting at. Water. Mandrake, water is the source of all life. Seven-tenths of this Earth's surface is water. Why, do you realize that... 70% of you is water? Good Lord. And as human beings, you and I need fresh, pure water... to replenish our precious bodily fluids. - You beginning to understand? - Yes. Have you never wondered why I drink only distilled water... or rainwater, and only pure grain alcohol? It did occur to me, Jack, yes. Have you ever heard of fluoridation of water? Yes, I have heard of that, Jack, yes. Do you know what it is? No, no, I don't know what it is. Do you realize that fluoridation... is the most monstrously conceived...