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Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Jack Whitehall hits the stage with hilarious tales about happy couples, life in hotels, human stupidity and his well-traveled father.

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Dave Skinner, Freddie Waters

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One of my ancestors was a philandering
con artist that got syphilis, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

One of my ancestors was a philandering con artist that got s...

Oh, yeah, my other ancestor
made old Cheaty McSyphilis - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Oh, yeah, my other ancestor made old Cheaty McSyphilis

Other side of the family, we visited Wales
and discovered that I'm related - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Other side of the family, we visited Wales and discovered th...

That introduced blood sports
to the nation, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

That introduced blood sports to the nation,

So I'm finding all of this stuff out.
I was... I was upset, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

So I'm finding all of this stuff out. I was... I was up...

There are cameras on us.
Can you at least pretend to be sad?" - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

There are cameras on us. Can you at least pretend to be sad?...

I had absolutely no idea
that we were Welsh." - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

I had absolutely no idea that we were Welsh."

As a child, you look
at your mom and dad and you're like: - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

As a child, you look at your mom and dad and you're lik...

Actually, I think these two
might be all right." - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Actually, I think these two might be all right."

You're fucking mental." - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

You're fucking mental."

Until she then announced she didn't want
to get married in a church. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Until she then announced she didn't want to get married...

Anyone would've thought she told him
she'd voted Green. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Anyone would've thought she told him she'd voted G...

He went: "What do you mean you don't want
to get married in a church, Molly? - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

He went: "What do you mean you don't want to get m...

If I'm paying for this wedding,
you're not having it in a fucking barn. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

If I'm paying for this wedding, you're not having ...

If I'm paying for this wedding,
it will happen in a house of worship." - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

If I'm paying for this wedding, it will happen in a hou...

They keep asking: "When are you
going to give us a grandchild?" - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

They keep asking: "When are you going to give us a gran...

I had an amicable breakup,
which people tell you is a good thing. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

I had an amicable breakup, which people tell you is a good t...

Because the one advantage - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Because the one advantage

No one has ever written a brilliant album
about a lovely breakup, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

No one has ever written a brilliant album about a lovely bre...

I wanted her crushing my heart
into the floor, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

I wanted her crushing my heart into the floor,

Instead,
my ex-girlfriend took my mom for tea - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Instead, my ex-girlfriend took my mom for tea

Yeah, fuck you with your kindness
and generosity. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Yeah, fuck you with your kindness and generosity.

Instead, I'm in the shallow end,
making jokes about diarrhea. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Instead, I'm in the shallow end, making jokes about dia...

Then we had this weird situation
where me and my ex were just friends - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Then we had this weird situation where me and my ex were jus...

Trying to help each other acclimatize
to our new life as just friends. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Trying to help each other acclimatize to our new life as jus...

We were in the kitchen together,
and for the first time in six years, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

We were in the kitchen together, and for the first time in s...

I just walked out of the room,
went upstairs, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

I just walked out of the room, went upstairs,

In one gust, she had broken wind
and my heart. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

In one gust, she had broken wind and my heart.

[exhales] - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

She was literally
trying to fart herself off the pedestal. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

She was literally trying to fart herself off the pedestal.

I was like: "Is there anything I could do - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

I was like: "Is there anything I could do

Got to put a shift in in the bedroom
again, I don't like having to do that. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Got to put a shift in in the bedroom again, I don't lik...

I always say, sex with me is like
arriving late at the theater - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

I always say, sex with me is like arriving late at the theat...

Lot of shuffling, bit of shushing,
a pause, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Lot of shuffling, bit of shushing, a pause,

I'm not equipped
for a breakup emotionally, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

I'm not equipped for a breakup emotionally,

If a relationship broke down
at boarding school, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

If a relationship broke down at boarding school,

Mainly 'cause a lot of those teachers
could've lost their jobs. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Mainly 'cause a lot of those teachers could've los...

The closest I've come to a relationship
since, though, has been with Alexa. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

The closest I've come to a relationship since, though, ...

Ah, lovely Alexa.
Stores and records everything you say, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Ah, lovely Alexa. Stores and records everything you say,

And I lead the bachelor lifestyle now.
Woohoo, bachelor lifestyle! - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

And I lead the bachelor lifestyle now. Woohoo, bachelor life...

Same underpants for a week.
Did someone order a legend? - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Same underpants for a week. Did someone order a legend?

Ooh, is this just the kitchen sink,
or is it also now the downstairs toilet? - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Ooh, is this just the kitchen sink, or is it also now the do...

Too far? [laughs]
I love saying that onstage every night, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Too far? [laughs] I love saying that onstage every night,

"Well, I guess you're getting filled up
directly from the hot tap." - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

"Well, I guess you're getting filled up directly f...

Sat on the sofa in a Slanket, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Sat on the sofa in a Slanket,

"Say my name, Alexa." - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

"Say my name, Alexa."

Who's the daddy?" - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Who's the daddy?"

It all came to a head when I went
to... to Germany for a weekend. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

It all came to a head when I went to... to Germany for a wee...

Last year, we went to Berlin
to say goodbye to a friend of mine, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Last year, we went to Berlin to say goodbye to a friend of m...

That's right. After the self-pity stage
of breakup grief - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

That's right. After the self-pity stage of breakup grie...

So I've been up for three days
on this stag-do, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

So I've been up for three days on this stag-do,

I'm stood in the queue
for airport security, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

I'm stood in the queue for airport security,

Oh, dear. I look around
for somewhere to dispose of this thing, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Oh, dear. I look around for somewhere to dispose of this thi...

For a brief moment, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

For a brief moment,

And I couldn't distract his mom. S-- - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

And I couldn't distract his mom. S--

Now, I am a little bit of a novice
when it comes to the old edible marijuana. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Now, I am a little bit of a novice when it comes to the old ...

These things are incredibly strong. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

These things are incredibly strong.

By the time
I was at the front of this queue, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

By the time I was at the front of this queue,

I knew I was in serious trouble - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

I knew I was in serious trouble

[gasps] It's not scanning you
'cause it knows that you've got drugs - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

[gasps] It's not scanning you 'cause it knows that...

It was at that point that I heard
a German voice shouting at me from behind: - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

It was at that point that I heard a German voice shouting at...

He wanted me to take my belt off.
Unfortunately, I was so high, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

He wanted me to take my belt off. Unfortunately, I was so hi...

For some reason, in that moment,
I thought that he was pointing... - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

For some reason, in that moment, I thought that he was point...

At my trousers,
and I thought that he wanted them off. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

At my trousers, and I thought that he wanted them off.

I was like: "Wow, these German
security officials are awfully thorough." - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

I was like: "Wow, these German security officials are a...

If a figure of authority tells you
to drop 'em, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

If a figure of authority tells you to drop 'em,

So, in the middle of Berlin Airport, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

So, in the middle of Berlin Airport,

He started shouting more.
He was like: "Oben!" - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

He started shouting more. He was like: "Oben!"

I thought he'd shouted: "Open."
I was like: - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

I thought he'd shouted: "Open." I was like:

I thought, in that moment,
that a security official - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

I thought, in that moment, that a security official

He literally just had to shout
"open" once, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

He literally just had to shout "open" once,

"Well, if that's the way it's got to go,
Fritz, that's the way it's got to go. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

"Well, if that's the way it's got to go, Frit...

Did you just look at your daughter,
on the punchline of that joke? - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Did you just look at your daughter, on the punchline of that...

That was brutal. "That's you, that is.
My little STD." - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

That was brutal. "That's you, that is. My little S...

The rest of the show is to this side.
I can't even look over there. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

The rest of the show is to this side. I can't even look...

No, that doesn't make it any better.
I already feel absolutely mortified. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

No, that doesn't make it any better. I already feel abs...

My point is, I'm not ready
to have a child. I'd be a terrible parent. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

My point is, I'm not ready to have a child. I'd be...

I was driving along the road.
There was a sign at the side of it: - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

I was driving along the road. There was a sign at the side o...

Someone's laughing over there,
like they've done it. Not good. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

Someone's laughing over there, like they've done i...

To be fair to me, this little fucker
cut straight in front of me, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

To be fair to me, this little fucker cut straight in front o...

The reality is, I reckon,
some parents don't help their kids. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

The reality is, I reckon, some parents don't help their...

I met a woman the other day
whose child's name... - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

I met a woman the other day whose child's name...

She was like:
"It's Greek for 'goddess of nature.'" - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

She was like: "It's Greek for 'goddess of nat...

This was information she casually dropped
into the conversation, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

This was information she casually dropped into the conversat...

You can imagine how concerned I was. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

You can imagine how concerned I was.

We're all sat there in the pub,
having a lovely drink, - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

We're all sat there in the pub, having a lovely drink,

I might as well take it to school myself." - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

I might as well take it to school myself."

I was like:
"You can't call your child Isis." - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

I was like: "You can't call your child Isis."

I was like: "I should fucking hope so." - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

I was like: "I should fucking hope so."

That's why you don't swipe right
with many Adolfs on Tinder. - Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking

That's why you don't swipe right with many Adolfs ...

Jack Whitehall: I'm Only Joking poster

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

Jack Whitehall hits the stage with hilarious tales about happy couples, life in hotels, human stupidity and his well-traveled father.

User Rating: 0.0 (0 ratings)

Director: Dave Skinner, Freddie Waters

Writer: Jack Whitehall

Production: N/A

Genre: comedy

Year: 2020

MetaScore: N/A/100

ImdbRating: 6.7

BoxOffice: N/A

Released: 21 Jul 2020

Awards: N/A

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