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Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Jack Whitehall takes the stage at London's O2 Arena to riff on dogs, drinking, dining alone, and finally deciding to settle down and become a father.

Director

Chris Howe

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Genre

documentary, comedy

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N/A

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N/A

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Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage

No, I don't wanna start proceedings off
on a bum note, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

No, I don't wanna start proceedings off on a bum note,

But no, basically,
some of my friends took me aside - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

But no, basically, some of my friends took me aside

I was like, "Shit, I'm gonna have
to do something about that." - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

I was like, "Shit, I'm gonna have to do something ...

Twelve steps away from those losers! - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Twelve steps away from those losers!

And the TikTok said that red wine actually
has quite a lot of health benefits. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

And the TikTok said that red wine actually has quite a lot o...

That was definitely an alcoholic,
not a doctor, cheering in the back there! - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

That was definitely an alcoholic, not a doctor, cheering in ...

To be fair, that is when you know
that you drink too much, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

To be fair, that is when you know that you drink too much,

I think, over the years, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

I think, over the years,

Okay, white wine has ellagic acid in it,
which is good for your circulation. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Okay, white wine has ellagic acid in it, which is good for y...

Uh, Jägerbombs, uh, keep you alert
if you're driving late at night. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Uh, Jägerbombs, uh, keep you alert if you're driving la...

Stella? "Fucking Stella!" - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Stella? "Fucking Stella!"

Uh, um, I'll take you through the beers.
I heard Guinness over there as well. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Uh, um, I'll take you through the beers. I heard Guinne...

Stella is a lager which has riboflavin, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Stella is a lager which has riboflavin,

You said Guinness, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

You said Guinness,

And craft IPAs help you tell
which one of your friends is a bell end. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

And craft IPAs help you tell which one of your friends is a ...

The other day, I saw for sale
a bottle of non-alcoholic sambuca. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

The other day, I saw for sale a bottle of non-alcoholic samb...

Who the fuck
is buying non-alcoholic sambuca? - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Who the fuck is buying non-alcoholic sambuca?

Newsflash, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

No one is drinking 'buca for its wonderful flavor profi...

It's so gross,
it's only serving suggestion is "on fire." - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

It's so gross, it's only serving suggestion is &qu...

"Oh, sommelier, can I get a bottle
of the 1986 Cabernet Sauvignon, please?" - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

"Oh, sommelier, can I get a bottle of the 1986 Cabernet...

You would still wake up
the following morning - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

You would still wake up the following morning

I do try, as I get a little bit older, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

I do try, as I get a little bit older,

I genuinely think I drink as a crutch, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

I genuinely think I drink as a crutch,

It's my go-to because what whiskey does
is it just tweaks my internal monologue. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

It's my go-to because what whiskey does is it just twea...

'Cause if I walk into a room sober, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

'Cause if I walk into a room sober,

"Nobody in this room likes you." - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

"Nobody in this room likes you."

I have a whiskey, right,
one scotch inside me, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

I have a whiskey, right, one scotch inside me,

One whiskey down, it's like,
"Oy, oy, Jacky boy!" - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

One whiskey down, it's like, "Oy, oy, Jacky boy!&q...

I also, of course, blame
my social inadequacies on my upbringing. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

I also, of course, blame my social inadequacies on my upbrin...

As many of you know,
I was sent to a boarding school age ten, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

As many of you know, I was sent to a boarding school age ten...

I know going to a school like that
is a ridiculously unfair leg up in life. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

I know going to a school like that is a ridiculously unfair ...

If you needed any more proof that the arts
are far too polluted with toff actors, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

If you needed any more proof that the arts are far too pollu...

And what this means is that
whenever they write about this school - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

And what this means is that whenever they write about this s...

It's like I am
the school's dirty little secret. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

It's like I am the school's dirty little secret.

Now, obviously, I have a very fragile ego,
and I had to go check the school's website - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Now, obviously, I have a very fragile ego, and I had to go c...

I'm there, but you've got to scroll down
for about half an hour. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

I'm there, but you've got to scroll down for about...

And yes, he won a gold medal, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

And yes, he won a gold medal,

What's funny is that bit is
so much easier to get on board with - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

What's funny is that bit is so much easier to get on bo...

Laughing at the one-armed rower. Not nice. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Laughing at the one-armed rower. Not nice.

He's not a one-armed rower.
That is not factually accurate. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

He's not a one-armed rower. That is not factually accur...

This is something that I've talked about,
this slight to my wafer-thin ego. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

This is something that I've talked about, this slight t...

I have complained about the fact
that my school have no pride in me - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

I have complained about the fact that my school have no prid...

Be very careful what you wish for. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Be very careful what you wish for.

Six months ago,
there was a story about my school. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Six months ago, there was a story about my school.

It was about a teacher
that had been arrested - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

It was about a teacher that had been arrested

Newspaper headline, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Newspaper headline,

This guy wasn't even a teacher
when I was there. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

This guy wasn't even a teacher when I was there.

Scroll down
and there's Professor Noncey-Bollocks, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Scroll down and there's Professor Noncey-Bollocks,

That is the worst photo
that's ever been taken of me. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

That is the worst photo that's ever been taken of me.

That photo is so unattractive, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

That photo is so unattractive,

And they really felt the need as well
to do me dirty in the caption. Yeah. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

And they really felt the need as well to do me dirty in the ...

Really. They felt it was necessary
to point out that of these two images, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Really. They felt it was necessary to point out that of thes...

The weirdest reaction to this story,
hands down, was my mother's. Okay? - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

The weirdest reaction to this story, hands down, was my moth...

I saw my mum about a week
after this article had been printed. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

I saw my mum about a week after this article had been printe...

Went to her house, she's in the kitchen,
big shit-eating grin on her face. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Went to her house, she's in the kitchen, big shit-eatin...

She was like,
"I saw you in the newspaper." - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

She was like, "I saw you in the newspaper."

The final kick in the bollocks came
when I read the main body of the article, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

The final kick in the bollocks came when I read the main bod...

I took it down off my mum's fridge,
and I'm gonna read you this short extract. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

I took it down off my mum's fridge, and I'm gonna ...

Now bearing in mind
I've already got issues with my billing - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Now bearing in mind I've already got issues with my bil...

'Cause I wasn't
the only famous former pupil - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

'Cause I wasn't the only famous former pupil

"Criminal proceedings have been
brought against David Chambers, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

"Criminal proceedings have been brought against David C...

"I'm gonna write an article
about a pedophile teacher today." - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

"I'm gonna write an article about a pedophile teac...

Don't put those pictures
next to each other in an article as well. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Don't put those pictures next to each other in an artic...

For God's sake, it makes it look like
I'm leading Clifford out of the courtroom - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

For God's sake, it makes it look like I'm leading ...

I think now you're ready
for some of the hard-hitting material. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

I think now you're ready for some of the hard-hitting m...

Is it just me, or have those - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Is it just me, or have those

I have found bicycles
tucked away on roof racks, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

I have found bicycles tucked away on roof racks,

The other day, I shit you not,
I was looking for the boats. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

The other day, I shit you not, I was looking for the boats.

Has anyone else had that moment recently - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Has anyone else had that moment recently

"Maybe this is how robots realize
that they're robots." - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

"Maybe this is how robots realize that they're rob...

I just get so bored
with, like, cybersecurity. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

I just get so bored with, like, cybersecurity.

Oh my God. I fuck around now with the bank
when they take me through security. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Oh my God. I fuck around now with the bank when they take me...

"Hello, sir. Gonna take you
through security today." - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

"Hello, sir. Gonna take you through security today.&quo...

Or my favorite one,
"Where did you meet your spouse?" - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Or my favorite one, "Where did you meet your spouse?&qu...

My girlfriend got annoyed at me recently - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

My girlfriend got annoyed at me recently

She was like, "That's weird.
We've been going out for three years, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

She was like, "That's weird. We've been going...

She's now saved as
"One-night stand that never left." - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

She's now saved as "One-night stand that never lef...

Because what she had me saved as
in her phone, hundred times worse, okay? - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Because what she had me saved as in her phone, hundred times...

We'd been going out for six months,
six months into our relationship, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

We'd been going out for six months, six months into our...

"I know a lot of Jacks."
"How many bloody Jacks?" - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

"I know a lot of Jacks." "How many bloody Jac...

But there is one oversight with it, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

But there is one oversight with it,

I'm not saying that I need
all of the nitty-gritty details, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

I'm not saying that I need all of the nitty-gritty deta...

She warned me in advance.
When we first started going out, she went, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

She warned me in advance. When we first started going out, s...

Don't do that! That's a very important
bit of kit. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Don't do that! That's a very important bit of kit.

Yeah, so she is a member
of the diabetic community, - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Yeah, so she is a member of the diabetic community,

Bitten by another diabetic - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

Bitten by another diabetic

No, the night of the BRITs,
we found out, um, that she had diabetes - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

No, the night of the BRITs, we found out, um, that she had d...

She fainted, uh, halfway through
Harry Styles's performance. - Jack Whitehall: Settle Down

She fainted, uh, halfway through Harry Styles's perform...

Jack Whitehall: Settle Down poster

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

Jack Whitehall takes the stage at London's O2 Arena to riff on dogs, drinking, dining alone, and finally deciding to settle down and become a father.

User Rating: 0.0 (0 ratings)

Director: Chris Howe

Writer: Jack Whitehall

Production: N/A

Genre: documentary, comedy

Year: 2024

MetaScore: N/A/100

ImdbRating: 6.5

BoxOffice: N/A

Released: 30 Jan 2024

Awards: N/A

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