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Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld performs at the Beacon Theatre in New York City with his take on everyday life, uncovering comedy in the commonplace.

Director

Joe DeMaio, Steven Rimdzius

Year

Genre

Box Office

N/A

Production

N/A

Awards

Nominated for 1 Primetime Emmy. 1 win & 1 nomination total

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Explore 282 Clips

If you were me - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

If you were me, - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

If you were me,

This is, in fact,
my favorite type of intimate relationship. - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

This is, in fact, my favorite type of intimate relationship.

It's all things we do
to convince ourselves - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

It's all things we do to convince ourselves

That's another thing this is.
You'll be going tomorrow, - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

That's another thing this is. You'll be going tomo...

But still, in the vast suckness... - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

But still, in the vast suckness...

The greatest lesson you can learn in life: - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

The greatest lesson you can learn in life:

"Jerry, we went to a great restaurant
last night. - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

"Jerry, we went to a great restaurant last night.

He would love it. Wouldn't he love it?
You would love it." - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

He would love it. Wouldn't he love it? You would love i...

He would love that place." - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

He would love that place."

I'm looking for not bad.
"How's that food?" "It's not bad." - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

I'm looking for not bad. "How's that food?&qu...

I'm not interested in food
that's auditioning to get on the team." - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

I'm not interested in food that's auditioning to g...

We're gonna drizzle it with something
that's a reduction of somethin' else." - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

We're gonna drizzle it with something that's a red...

Maybe if you didn't reduce it so much,
you wouldn't have to drizzle it! - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Maybe if you didn't reduce it so much, you wouldn'...

Your ass is hurtin' by the end of it.
It's not half as good - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Your ass is hurtin' by the end of it. It's not hal...

Check always comes in that book,
the little story of the bill. - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Check always comes in that book, the little story of the bil...

You're on the street afterwards
with your friends, - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

You're on the street afterwards with your friends,

The vendor is an ex-con
in a work-release program. - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

The vendor is an ex-con in a work-release program.

"Sucks" and "great"
are the only two ratings - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

"Sucks" and "great" are the only two rat...

"Hey, let's go see that new movie.
I heard it's great." - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

"Hey, let's go see that new movie. I heard it'...

You have an ice cream cone.
Walking down the street, - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

You have an ice cream cone. Walking down the street,

Food's a good subject.
Let's talk a little bit more about this. - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Food's a good subject. Let's talk a little bit mor...

Oh, come on. You can get whatever you want
at the buffet." - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Oh, come on. You can get whatever you want at the buffet.&qu...

Why don't we put people - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Why don't we put people

...into some kind of debauched,
Caligula food orgy - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

...into some kind of debauched, Caligula food orgy

Let's make the entrance
a chocolate-syrup water park slide." - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Let's make the entrance a chocolate-syrup water park sl...

The buffet is like taking your dog
to Petco - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

The buffet is like taking your dog to Petco

You give him your wallet
in the parking lot and go, - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

You give him your wallet in the parking lot and go,

Leave the window open a crack
so I can breathe." - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Leave the window open a crack so I can breathe."

Nobody would walk into a restaurant
and say, "I'll have a yogurt parfait, - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Nobody would walk into a restaurant and say, "I'll...

It's like a perfect working model
of all their emotional problems - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

It's like a perfect working model of all their emotiona...

I've got some unresolved issues - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

I've got some unresolved issues

But when I was a kid, - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

But when I was a kid,

When they invented the Pop-Tart, - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

When they invented the Pop-Tart,

We were just chimps in the dirt,
playing with sticks. Just... - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

We were just chimps in the dirt, playing with sticks. Just.....

"Pop-Tart is here." - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

"Pop-Tart is here."

It was like a murder - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

It was like a murder

You'd have breakfast, - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

You'd have breakfast,

"Mom, the amount of water
in this dish is critical. - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

"Mom, the amount of water in this dish is critical.

I'm seven. I feel like I'm rowing
in the hull of a Greek slave ship. - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

I'm seven. I feel like I'm rowing in the hull of a...

That was breakfast?" - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

That was breakfast?"

Conceiving of the frosted,
fruit-filled, heatable rectangles - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Conceiving of the frosted, fruit-filled, heatable rectangles

And with the same nutrition
as the box it comes in, too. - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

And with the same nutrition as the box it comes in, too.

I don't know how long it took to invent,
but they must've come out of that lab - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

I don't know how long it took to invent, but they must&...

And they can't go stale,
'cause they weren't ever fresh." - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

And they can't go stale, 'cause they weren't ...

What about your device dictatorship - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

What about your device dictatorship

Oh, here it is. I got it. It's here.
It's here. My phone is here." - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Oh, here it is. I got it. It's here. It's here. My...

I didn't know where it was for a second.
I'm okay. That was really close. - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

I didn't know where it was for a second. I'm okay....

You are so hypno-phonified at this point,
you hand your phone to somebody - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

You are so hypno-phonified at this point, you hand your phon...

After two seconds, you go, - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

After two seconds, you go,

I am completely off-the-grid right now." - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

I am completely off-the-grid right now."

You feel like your whole body's
runnin' out of power, don't you? I just... - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

You feel like your whole body's runnin' out of pow...

I-I feel tired when the phone battery
gets down to ten or five. - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

I-I feel tired when the phone battery gets down to ten or fi...

"You guys go ahead without me.
I gotta get to a charger." - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

"You guys go ahead without me. I gotta get to a charger...

If I go dead on the street, - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

If I go dead on the street,

People are pretty important, you know." - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

People are pretty important, you know."

What'll you do without your pictures?
Are you gonna describe what you saw? - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

What'll you do without your pictures? Are you gonna des...

We don't wanna talk to anybody
that doesn't have a phone. - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

We don't wanna talk to anybody that doesn't have a...

I think the only reason people still exist - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

I think the only reason people still exist

Then I started thinking
maybe they put Uber on the phone - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Then I started thinking maybe they put Uber on the phone

Who's really the Uber
in this big prostitution ring? - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Who's really the Uber in this big prostitution ring?

The cars are the hos, - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

The cars are the hos,

And the phone's the big pimp
of the whole thing, - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

And the phone's the big pimp of the whole thing,

Once they gave you the option, - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Once they gave you the option,

I feel like a blacksmith
up here sometimes, to tell you the truth. - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

I feel like a blacksmith up here sometimes, to tell you the ...

I could text you this whole thing.
We can get the hell outta here right now. - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

I could text you this whole thing. We can get the hell outta...

Why would I wanna get information
from a face when I could get it - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Why would I wanna get information from a face when I could g...

Don't you feel uncomfortable now?
Faces come up to you, - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Don't you feel uncomfortable now? Faces come up to you,

There's a missed shaving spot,
there's a piece of crust, some goo. - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

There's a missed shaving spot, there's a piece of ...

We like that word, don't we? "Text!"
It's fun to say. It's got that... - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

We like that word, don't we? "Text!" It'...

"Text it! Text!" - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

"Text it! Text!"

Don't tell me! Text it. Don't tell me!" - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Don't tell me! Text it. Don't tell me!"

"Want some human contact
but kind of had it up to here with people? - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

"Want some human contact but kind of had it up to here ...

Need to get someone
some information - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Need to get someone some information

You need to be on text." - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

You need to be on text."

Now, instead of "OK,"
a lot of people text me just the "K," - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Now, instead of "OK," a lot of people text me just...

What... what microfraction of a second
did you save? - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

What... what microfraction of a second did you save?

What does that add up to, - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

What does that add up to,

Somebody texted me "TY" the other day
instead of "thank you." - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Somebody texted me "TY" the other day instead of &...

We're so anxious to get the next text, - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

We're so anxious to get the next text,

"Oh, we're cooking up a good one for you.
Wait till ya see this. - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

"Oh, we're cooking up a good one for you. Wait til...

You are not gonna believe
what this guy's about to say." - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

You are not gonna believe what this guy's about to say....

We're still working on it
in the text machine, - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

We're still working on it in the text machine,

Why are people on voice mail
still telling me to wait for the beep? - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Why are people on voice mail still telling me to wait for th...

The Maasai tribesmen of the African plain
know about the beep. - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

The Maasai tribesmen of the African plain know about the bee...

Beep!" - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Anyone getting messages like,
"This is a woman. Goodbye"? - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

Anyone getting messages like, "This is a woman. Goodbye...

I always wonder if they...
Before they do those kinds of things, - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

I always wonder if they... Before they do those kinds of thi...

You don't think this one feature, - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

You don't think this one feature,

You don't think that could happen
from this one thing?" - Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill

You don't think that could happen from this one thing?&...

Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill poster

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld performs at the Beacon Theatre in New York City with his take on everyday life, uncovering comedy in the commonplace.

User Rating: 0.0 (0 ratings)

Director: Joe DeMaio, Steven Rimdzius

Writer: Jerry Seinfeld

Production: N/A

Genre: comedy

Year: 2020

MetaScore: N/A/100

ImdbRating: 6.7

BoxOffice: N/A

Released: 05 May 2020

Awards: Nominated for 1 Primetime Emmy. 1 win & 1 nomination total

Homepage:

Also watch: A Hero, Hamburger Hill, The Spy Next Door, The Wrong Missy, Hall Pass, A Fish Called Wanda, Dora and the Lost City of Gold, The Name of the Rose, Vice, The Wind Rises, The Old Guard, Uncut Gems, Mulholland Drive, Groundhog Day