You know I see hipster dudes like you come in here everyday. Crying about how their phone...

Denice: You know I see hipster dudes like you come in here everyday. Crying about how their phone died, and how they need a new phone. They're like little crackheads. They got crazy eyes and they're all scratchy. And like "I need a new phone man." Phil: I'm not a crackhead. Denice: Then you're not. You're worse than a crackhead. Cause at least a crackhead gets up off the couch every now and then to go get some more crack. Crackhead says hello to all his little crackhead friends. A crackhead gets his steps in. But not you. You just sit there twenty four seven staring at that little black box, sucking on that pipe. You still want a new phone though, don't you? Phil: Yes please. Denice: Crackhead.

[sniffles] I'm gonna miss you, little buddy. You know, I see hipster dudes like you come in here every day, crying about how their phone died and how they need a new phone. They're like little crackheads. Yeah. They got crazy eyes and they're all scratchy. And they're like, "I need a new phone, man. I'll suck your dick for a new phone." I'm like, "Motherfucker, you don't need a new phone. You need rehab." I'm not a crackhead. You're not. You're not. You're worse than a crackhead. 'Cause at least a crackhead gets up off the couch every now and then to go get some more crack. A crackhead gets some fresh air. A crackhead says hello to all his little crackhead friends. A crackhead gets his steps in. But not you. Mm-mm. You just sit there 24/7 staring at that little black box. Sucking on that pipe like a little bitch. You still want a new phone, though, don't you? - Yes, please. - [scoffs] Crackhead. [inhaling loudly] [Phil gasps softly] Oh! Look at you. You sweet, beautiful baby. [sniffs] Mm! You smell so new. Oh. Oh, my God. Oh, thank you to all the little Chinese children for crafting such a perfect phone. [cell phone chimes] [automated female voice] Hello, my name is Jexi. And I am here to make your life better. [chuckles] Well, look at that. That's cool. - Let's get started. - Okay. Will you accept our new user agreement? Yes, I will. - Would you like to read it first? - Nah, I'm good. - Stupid. - Huh? Can I get your name, please? Um... Phil. Phil Thompson. - Nice to meet you, Phil. - Nice to meet you. I see your information has been stored in the cloud. Would you like me to transfer all of the data from your old phone onto this one? Yeah, that sounds great. I will need the passwords to your email accounts, your social media accounts, your bank accounts, your credit card accounts and your Cinnabon Rewards account. It's easy. It's the same password for all of 'em. It's phil123456.