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Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory poster

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

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Kelsey Cook's second stand up special.

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800 Pound Gorilla Media

Self - Host

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And he goes, Well, my doctor
told me that it's bad to push - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And he goes, Well, my doctor told me that it's bad to p...

Just grab onto something, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

Just grab onto something,

"Sunday we got errands
to run, go get out." - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

"Sunday we got errands to run, go get out."

I think you dudes have this poo phobia - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

I think you dudes have this poo phobia

You're afraid we're gonna
like bust the door down - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

You're afraid we're gonna like bust the door down

And I was like, oh no, because I have IBS. - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And I was like, oh no, because I have IBS.

So when I gotta go, I gotta go. - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

So when I gotta go, I gotta go.

So I texted him - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

So I texted him

Fire emoji, making it crystal clear. - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

Fire emoji, making it crystal clear.

I can hear his phone get my text, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

I can hear his phone get my text,

So now I realize I do not
have access to a toilet - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

So now I realize I do not have access to a toilet

So I start frantically
looking around our apartment - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

So I start frantically looking around our apartment

I know right away I was like, too high. - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

I know right away I was like, too high.

Next thing I see is my ex's favorite hat, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

Next thing I see is my ex's favorite hat,

And so I looked and I looked - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And so I looked and I looked

Like an old homeless man - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

Like an old homeless man

Our cats walked up to me and boops noses. - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

Our cats walked up to me and boops noses.

They were just looking at me
like, oh, you are one of us. - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

They were just looking at me like, oh, you are one of us.

Neat and after I was done, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

Neat and after I was done,

And I was like, because I'm
not trying to dominate them - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And I was like, because I'm not trying to dominate them

Do you understand what a
deranged power move that would be - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

Do you understand what a deranged power move that would be

There are rules to this life, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

There are rules to this life,

I don't ever want Chad to
meet gross Kelsey, right? - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

I don't ever want Chad to meet gross Kelsey, right?

Well, I have a tiny one in my heart - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

Well, I have a tiny one in my heart

But when Chad and I moved
in together last year, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

But when Chad and I moved in together last year,

And then the next morning I
got Chipotle, bad choices. - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And then the next morning I got Chipotle, bad choices.

And we went back to our new place - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And we went back to our new place

That takes a normal number to smell - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

That takes a normal number to smell

And I finish up and I walk out - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And I finish up and I walk out

No one needs to go in here
for the next two to 49 hours. - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

No one needs to go in here for the next two to 49 hours.

Chad completely ignores this major sign - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

Chad completely ignores this major sign

He just blows right by me - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

He just blows right by me

My brain in slowmo was
like, don't go in there. - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

My brain in slowmo was like, don't go in there.

And he goes, "I couldn't
smell anything, you're fine." - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And he goes, "I couldn't smell anything, you'...

Do you see the tears
streaming down my face? - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

Do you see the tears streaming down my face?

So something I've learned
is that a lot of people - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

So something I've learned is that a lot of people

Like some people just
think we're always set - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

Like some people just think we're always set

Because a few years ago, my mom got sick - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

Because a few years ago, my mom got sick

And three weeks in her doctor turns to me - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And three weeks in her doctor turns to me

And I was like, well, My
mom's still in the hospital - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And I was like, well, My mom's still in the hospital

We're in a hospital,
you think I'm gonna walk - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

We're in a hospital, you think I'm gonna walk

When my mom was in the hospital, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

When my mom was in the hospital,

But she is so smart and so
funny that even with dementia, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

But she is so smart and so funny that even with dementia,

So she and my brother were talking, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

So she and my brother were talking,

And then all of a sudden
she just starts shouting, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And then all of a sudden she just starts shouting,

They're like, "Kathy, oh
my God, what's going on?" - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

They're like, "Kathy, oh my God, what's going...

You're gonna get kicked out of the home - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

You're gonna get kicked out of the home

My cousin and I visited my mom - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

My cousin and I visited my mom

So my cousin decided to tell me - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

So my cousin decided to tell me

People order massive quantities of food - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

People order massive quantities of food

So her nieces love these muckbang videos - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

So her nieces love these muckbang videos

And my cousin looks her
and goes, Wow, Bailey, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And my cousin looks her and goes, Wow, Bailey,

And her niece went white in the face, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And her niece went white in the face,

- Remember that 0.12,
resting blood alcohol - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

- Remember that 0.12, resting blood alcohol

I can also tell that
some of you do not know - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

I can also tell that some of you do not know

A Midwest mom just went, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

A Midwest mom just went,

It is a finishing move
in the world of porn. - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

It is a finishing move in the world of porn.

And I am like dying
laughing at this story. - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And I am like dying laughing at this story.

And then all of a sudden my mom goes, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And then all of a sudden my mom goes,

I'm sure my mom was just sitting
there listening like, oh, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

I'm sure my mom was just sitting there listening like, ...

And here's the thing, I
always take really good care - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And here's the thing, I always take really good care

And this is strange, but my entire family - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And this is strange, but my entire family

And my mom is in the
Foosball Hall of Fame. - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And my mom is in the Foosball Hall of Fame.

Yeah, but every time my
mom gets a new nurse, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

Yeah, but every time my mom gets a new nurse,

And my mom always goes, Well, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And my mom always goes, Well,

And every nurse goes, "Ah, sure you are." - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And every nurse goes, "Ah, sure you are."

And I'm always standing there
like, Oh yeah, no, I know - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And I'm always standing there like, Oh yeah, no, I know

And I'm like, Lady, I swear to God, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And I'm like, Lady, I swear to God,

And that's when the nurse starts - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And that's when the nurse starts

And my mom growing up was also somebody - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And my mom growing up was also somebody

My parents got divorced in the 90s - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

My parents got divorced in the 90s

So every time my dad would
call, my mom would let it go - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

So every time my dad would call, my mom would let it go

I mean, that's a bad
bitch move right there. - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

I mean, that's a bad bitch move right there.

'Cause it's not like
that was just the message - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

'Cause it's not like that was just the message

That was the message for literally anybody - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

That was the message for literally anybody

So after a while, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

So after a while,

And I'm here to remind you - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And I'm here to remind you

And long before my mom had dementia, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And long before my mom had dementia,

She had started to screenshot the selfies, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

She had started to screenshot the selfies,

But I didn't know she was doing this - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

But I didn't know she was doing this

Of my narcissism - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

Of my narcissism

This is fucking horrifying,
I'll never take a selfie again. - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

This is fucking horrifying, I'll never take a selfie ag...

Nobody had taught my mom
how to crop a screenshot. - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

Nobody had taught my mom how to crop a screenshot.

So all of these printed framed photos - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

So all of these printed framed photos

If somebody texted her as
she took the screenshot, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

If somebody texted her as she took the screenshot,

There's a framed photo
somewhere of my face - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

There's a framed photo somewhere of my face

So I decided last year that
I didn't want to have kids. - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

So I decided last year that I didn't want to have kids.

And it was so weird because
a few months later I started - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And it was so weird because a few months later I started

And I think it's so crazy
that the human instinct - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

And I think it's so crazy that the human instinct

You keep feeding me diet cum, - Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory

You keep feeding me diet cum,

Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory poster

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

Kelsey Cook's second stand up special.

User Rating: 0.0 (0 ratings)

Director:

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Production: 800 Pound Gorilla Media

Genre: comedy

Year: 2025

MetaScore: /100

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