"Dad?"Kevin Smith: Silent but Deadly • 2018
So I was out on the road. Where was I? I was in Kansas City. And so I had a little time down between gigs and whatnot. So I was like, I'm gonna go out shopping. And I asked them at the front desk, I was like, "Hey, man, where do you got- where do you got like the fat guy store?" They're like, "Oh, you want to go to the low-end strip mall." I was like, "Brother, I live at the low-end strip mall, man." And I took a car there. I walked in and I was looking for my maroons. And I found them. And then I saw the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in a fat guy store: a pair of black underwear. And I was like, "Oh! I'm gonna look like Batman!" You know, and I fucking... So I bought it and I took it back to the hotel room and stuff like that. I was happy with my fucking purchase. And so, you know, I thought of my wife and I was just like, "Oh, fuck. I'm gonna tell her." And I said, "Hey, man. Guess what I did today?" You know, I was texting her. She's like, "What?" I was like, "I went underwear shopping." And she goes, "Oh, great. More maroon." And I said, "No, not maroon." And she goes, "What color?" And I wrote, "Black!" A lot of exclamation points and stuff. And she sent emojis of surprise and... And she goes, "Send me a picture." And so I saw my opening. So I was like, "You send me a picture, man." And she was like, "What of?" And I was like, "You know." And she was like, "You fucking pig." But we've been married for a while, so fucking three minutes later a picture came through and shit like that. And so it was a angle of my wife's vagina, and this is weird to say because, again, we've been together 20 years and we've had fucking sex any way you can have sex. But it was an angle of her vagina that I'd never seen before. And I was like, "Oh, my God! It's like a stranger's pussy." You know? And fucking... So instantly I forgot the conversation, took it right to the sink and started tugging one out, looking right at it and shit. So I got finished and then I wanted to get in the shower 'cause I was sticky. And so... Took my black underwear out of the pack. I laid them out on the fucking blanket, there's like a white blanket on the bed. So it really popped hard and shit. And so I took a picture and I wrote back, "Yes, bitch." I said, "Doesn't this make you wet, motherfucker?" And I fucking hit send and shit like that, man. And I hadn't fucking realized that my wife was not the last person that had sent me a text. While I was in the shower, somebody else had texted me and broken the conversation with me and my wife and fucking the very shocked recipient of my underwear text sent back a one-word response: "Dad?"
Clip duration: 45 seconds
Timestamp in movie: 00h 36m 50s
Uploaded: 02 December, 2022
Genres: comedy, documentary
Summary: Recorded on 25 Feb 2018 at the Alex Theater in Glendale, CA.. immediately after the show, Smith suffered a near-fatal heart attack, With this stand-up special to show for it after his recovery, he riffs on marriage, fatherhood, friends and his work (or lack thereof).