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Killing Hasselhoff

A struggling nightclub owner resorts to desperate measures in order to pay off a loan shark.

Director

Darren Grant

Year

Genre

Box Office

N/A

Production

Lotus Pictures,WWE Studios,Hyde Park Entertainment

Awards

N/A

Homepage

http://www.hydeparkentertainment.com/projects/killing-hasselhoff/

Cast information not available.

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Superhero: The Musical! I'm telling you,
I know what I'm talking about. - Killing Hasselhoff

Superhero: The Musical! I'm telling you, I know what I&...

Get on the phone. Call the heads of
all the studios. This is gonna be huge. - Killing Hasselhoff

Get on the phone. Call the heads of all the studios. This is...

I don't know what's worse:
a half-naked oiled-up David Hasselhoff - Killing Hasselhoff

I don't know what's worse: a half-naked oiled-up D...

Tommy's house. Where it all started.
He's a reality TV producer. - Killing Hasselhoff

Tommy's house. Where it all started. He's a realit...

We then made a gentleman's agreement
that whoever's celebrity died first, - Killing Hasselhoff

We then made a gentleman's agreement that whoever'...

- And what's the total now, Tommy?
- A staggering, a shocking, - Killing Hasselhoff

- And what's the total now, Tommy? - A staggering, a sh...

So you want Hasselhoff to die
but you also booked his after party. - Killing Hasselhoff

So you want Hasselhoff to die but you also booked his after ...

- Isn't that a conflict of interest?
- I like to hedge my bets. - Killing Hasselhoff

- Isn't that a conflict of interest? - I like to hedge ...

I'm just curious. Would you rather have
the money or a lifetime of awful karma? - Killing Hasselhoff

I'm just curious. Would you rather have the money or a ...

They have a house band there.
It's all animatronic robots. - Killing Hasselhoff

They have a house band there. It's all animatronic robo...

It's definitely cool with me.
Sounds like the best wedding ever. - Killing Hasselhoff

It's definitely cool with me. Sounds like the best wedd...

You don't even have to buy gifts.
You could win 'em with tickets. - Killing Hasselhoff

You don't even have to buy gifts. You could win 'e...

Time to re-ante.
Let me hear it, people. Come on. - Killing Hasselhoff

Time to re-ante. Let me hear it, people. Come on.

With these contracts so begins
the Celebrity Death Pool 2016. - Killing Hasselhoff

With these contracts so begins the Celebrity Death Pool 2016...

Yes! Whoo! - Killing Hasselhoff

I remember a friend of mine
once saying to me, - Killing Hasselhoff

I remember a friend of mine once saying to me,

This is gonna be our year.
This man is definitely going to die. - Killing Hasselhoff

This is gonna be our year. This man is definitely going to d...

I just want you to know, I'm doing
this godawful terrible thing for us. - Killing Hasselhoff

I just want you to know, I'm doing this godawful terrib...

Yeah, yeah, I know, it's a little sad
that we bet on celebrities to die, - Killing Hasselhoff

Yeah, yeah, I know, it's a little sad that we bet on ce...

Fish? Did you kill yourself? Because if
you didn't kill yourself, answer the door. - Killing Hasselhoff

Fish? Did you kill yourself? Because if you didn't kill...

Well, where shall I start? Oh, I know. - Killing Hasselhoff

Well, where shall I start? Oh, I know.

My girlfriend's being probed
on a regular basis - Killing Hasselhoff

My girlfriend's being probed on a regular basis

Yesterday I accidentally hacked
into Jenn's Facebook account, - Killing Hasselhoff

Yesterday I accidentally hacked into Jenn's Facebook ac...

A big description of some bastard
with a huge cock. - Killing Hasselhoff

A big description of some bastard with a huge cock.

I know, right? It's like he's born
to be on the cover of a romance novel. - Killing Hasselhoff

I know, right? It's like he's born to be on the co...

He is the Latin Fabio. Oh, my God,
he is beautiful. Just chiselled and... - Killing Hasselhoff

He is the Latin Fabio. Oh, my God, he is beautiful. Just chi...

What makes you think Jenn is banging
this roided-out meathead anyway? - Killing Hasselhoff

What makes you think Jenn is banging this roided-out meathea...

To lick it all over from the base to the top. - Killing Hasselhoff

To lick it all over from the base to the top.

Once it is hard I'd like it inside me, - Killing Hasselhoff

Once it is hard I'd like it inside me,

- Fuck! I've gotta stop reading it.
- Damn, that is graphic. - Killing Hasselhoff

- Fuck! I've gotta stop reading it. - Damn, that is gra...

Almost three years
and she's writing this guy dick poetry. - Killing Hasselhoff

Almost three years and she's writing this guy dick poet...

But on the bright side
it is a terrible cock poem. - Killing Hasselhoff

But on the bright side it is a terrible cock poem.

Yeah. The metre's abysmal.
The rhymes are forced. - Killing Hasselhoff

Yeah. The metre's abysmal. The rhymes are forced.

Is... That's what you're telling me?
That it's not gonna get published? - Killing Hasselhoff

Is... That's what you're telling me? That it'...

You fucking dickheads! That's not the point! - Killing Hasselhoff

You fucking dickheads! That's not the point!

Jenn's barely even touched
my tiny knob recently. - Killing Hasselhoff

Jenn's barely even touched my tiny knob recently.

Let alone use iambic pentameter
to describe it. - Killing Hasselhoff

Let alone use iambic pentameter to describe it.

Okay, dude, dude. Come on, man.
Fuck this guy. Fuck Jenn. - Killing Hasselhoff

Okay, dude, dude. Come on, man. Fuck this guy. Fuck Jenn.

But I've gotta be honest.
I don't have a very big dick. - Killing Hasselhoff

But I've gotta be honest. I don't have a very big ...

Okay, you know, neither do I. Just more of
a Korean genetic thing, but that's fine. - Killing Hasselhoff

Okay, you know, neither do I. Just more of a Korean genetic ...

That's why we own a Hollywood club.
We overcompensate. That's what we do. - Killing Hasselhoff

That's why we own a Hollywood club. We overcompensate. ...

Once we renovate
you'll be knee-deep in all the pussy - Killing Hasselhoff

Once we renovate you'll be knee-deep in all the pussy

But I think I'm losing it. You know,
everywhere I look I see Sebastian. - Killing Hasselhoff

But I think I'm losing it. You know, everywhere I look ...

Everywhere. He's behind you,
by the way, mocking my tiny penis. - Killing Hasselhoff

Everywhere. He's behind you, by the way, mocking my tin...

I don't know. I think he's been defeated
by Sebastian's hollingbone. - Killing Hasselhoff

I don't know. I think he's been defeated by Sebast...

Dude, I need you to be strong for me.
I really need you right now. - Killing Hasselhoff

Dude, I need you to be strong for me. I really need you righ...

- Okay, look. Blue skies ahead, buddy.
- You gotta buck the fuck up. - Killing Hasselhoff

- Okay, look. Blue skies ahead, buddy. - You gotta buck the ...

Hasselhoff's throwing an after party
at your nightclub this Saturday. - Killing Hasselhoff

Hasselhoff's throwing an after party at your nightclub ...

No? Okay, good. I'll try and make it. - Killing Hasselhoff

No? Okay, good. I'll try and make it.

If I'm still of sound body and mind. - Killing Hasselhoff

If I'm still of sound body and mind.

Wait, wait. That feels weird. - Killing Hasselhoff

Wait, wait. That feels weird.

So, yeah, I had Hasselhoff in the death pool - Killing Hasselhoff

So, yeah, I had Hasselhoff in the death pool

There he is. Here's my guy. Come on.
Not you. Hey. How are you? - Killing Hasselhoff

There he is. Here's my guy. Come on. Not you. Hey. How ...

So... Ann, where's Susan? - Killing Hasselhoff

So... Ann, where's Susan?

I'm sorry, but my roommate's never
gonna sleep with you. She's engaged. - Killing Hasselhoff

I'm sorry, but my roommate's never gonna sleep wit...

I forgot that she's engaged.
Why does she have to be engaged? - Killing Hasselhoff

I forgot that she's engaged. Why does she have to be en...

But, wait, they can! And I'm gonna do it. - Killing Hasselhoff

But, wait, they can! And I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna have sex with her and you
can't stop me from having sex with her - Killing Hasselhoff

I'm gonna have sex with her and you can't stop me ...

Okay, yeah, that's very nice, Susan.
Oh. Don't make Ann watch. That's... - Killing Hasselhoff

Okay, yeah, that's very nice, Susan. Oh. Don't mak...

- Fishman, you okay?
- Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I'm... - Killing Hasselhoff

- Fishman, you okay? - Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I'm...

Let's give a warm welcome to our founder
and CEO, Mr Richard Mayweather. - Killing Hasselhoff

Let's give a warm welcome to our founder and CEO, Mr Ri...

Now, company profits
have stalled in the third quarter. - Killing Hasselhoff

Now, company profits have stalled in the third quarter.

I've been thinking long and hard
about how to turn things around - Killing Hasselhoff

I've been thinking long and hard about how to turn thin...

I want you to consider the difference
between steel and pudding. - Killing Hasselhoff

I want you to consider the difference between steel and pudd...

It seems, my lady, that my manhood
has sprung to attention. - Killing Hasselhoff

It seems, my lady, that my manhood has sprung to attention.

My dew-soaked ladydom awaits your staff! - Killing Hasselhoff

My dew-soaked ladydom awaits your staff!

That's right, Fishman.
We can no longer stay passive. - Killing Hasselhoff

That's right, Fishman. We can no longer stay passive.

My desire must be sated
in the most forbidden of places. - Killing Hasselhoff

My desire must be sated in the most forbidden of places.

Now dispose of your skirt and prepare
to receive many sweet reams. - Killing Hasselhoff

Now dispose of your skirt and prepare to receive many sweet ...

I'll kill you, you son of a bitch!
I'll rip your love muscle right off! - Killing Hasselhoff

I'll kill you, you son of a bitch! I'll rip your l...

- This is gonna be a big money night!
- It fucking better be. - Killing Hasselhoff

- This is gonna be a big money night! - It fucking better be...

Chris, you worry too much about money.
Look at me. - Killing Hasselhoff

Chris, you worry too much about money. Look at me.

I have two pairs of pants, two pairs
of shirts, no underwear and I'm happy. - Killing Hasselhoff

I have two pairs of pants, two pairs of shirts, no underwear...

- Yeah, cos you're always high.
- Yeah, I forgot about that. - Killing Hasselhoff

- Yeah, cos you're always high. - Yeah, I forgot about ...

You even have weed in your hair.
Just a big... - Killing Hasselhoff

You even have weed in your hair. Just a big...

I've been looking all over for you!
I better go smoke this. - Killing Hasselhoff

I've been looking all over for you! I better go smoke t...

Now if I'm not back in 20 minutes,
it means I forgot to come back. - Killing Hasselhoff

Now if I'm not back in 20 minutes, it means I forgot to...

Every time he walks away I feel like
it's the last time I'll ever see him. - Killing Hasselhoff

Every time he walks away I feel like it's the last time...

Amazing, tonight, everybody. Simply amazing. - Killing Hasselhoff

Amazing, tonight, everybody. Simply amazing.

Barry? Let's go to Orchid. - Killing Hasselhoff

Barry? Let's go to Orchid.

Everything is all set
for Mr Hasselhoff's arrival, - Killing Hasselhoff

Everything is all set for Mr Hasselhoff's arrival,

You are mistaken
if you think that cussing and yelling - Killing Hasselhoff

You are mistaken if you think that cussing and yelling

- What?!
- It shows that you signed off on her, - Killing Hasselhoff

- What?! - It shows that you signed off on her,

What? The owner ain't gotta be
on the guest list, homie! - Killing Hasselhoff

What? The owner ain't gotta be on the guest list, homie...

I've always wanted to have sex
with a tiny Asian man. - Killing Hasselhoff

I've always wanted to have sex with a tiny Asian man.

- Hi. I need to talk...
- Don't talk, eat this. - Killing Hasselhoff

- Hi. I need to talk... - Don't talk, eat this.

No negativity here. Positive vibes only. - Killing Hasselhoff

No negativity here. Positive vibes only.

It's always so good to see
my little girl making new fuck buddies. - Killing Hasselhoff

It's always so good to see my little girl making new fu...

We're just trying
to ditch that kiddie-star rep - Killing Hasselhoff

We're just trying to ditch that kiddie-star rep

I will not stand by - Killing Hasselhoff

I will not stand by

Killing Hasselhoff poster

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

A struggling nightclub owner resorts to desperate measures in order to pay off a loan shark.

User Rating: 0.0 (0 ratings)

Director: Darren Grant

Writer: Peter Hoare, Mike O'Connell

Production: Lotus Pictures,WWE Studios,Hyde Park Entertainment

Genre: comedy

Year: 2017

MetaScore: N/A/100

ImdbRating: 4.5

BoxOffice: N/A

Released: 29 Aug 2017

Awards: N/A

Homepage: http://www.hydeparkentertainment.com/projects/killing-hasselhoff/