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Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Comedian Langston Kerman talks parenting a top-tier baby, teaching mean teens and managing his mother-in-law's dating apps in this hilarious special.

Director

John Mulaney

Year

Genre

documentary, comedy

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Langston Kerman

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Clap it up, clap it up!
Clap it up, clap it up, clap it up! - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Clap it up, clap it up! Clap it up, clap it up, clap it up!

All right, this next brother coming up,
he's supposed to be telling y'all jokes. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

All right, this next brother coming up, he's supposed t...

Now, I can't verify he's funny, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Now, I can't verify he's funny,

Give it up for Langston Kerman! - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Give it up for Langston Kerman!

What up, Chicago? - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

What up, Chicago?

I had a phenomenal thing
happen to me very recently. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

I had a phenomenal thing happen to me very recently.

After months, months of persuasion, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

After months, months of persuasion,

I'm pretending to be a 65-year-old woman - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

I'm pretending to be a 65-year-old woman

...on an elderly dating app
called "Sunset Singles." - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

...on an elderly dating app called "Sunset Singles.&quo...

Before I greet my wife, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Before I greet my wife,

I like a wooden-teeth-looking
motherfucker, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

I like a wooden-teeth-looking motherfucker,

And they be sending me messages like, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

And they be sending me messages like,

And so what I've done,
what I've actually started to do, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

And so what I've done, what I've actually started ...

You don't like taking advantage of
our most vulnerable communities? - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

You don't like taking advantage of our most vulnerable ...

What I've done is I've compiled - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

What I've done is I've compiled

This first piece
I want to share with you this evening, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

This first piece I want to share with you this evening,

I love so many things.
I love everything. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

I love so many things. I love everything.

He came back
with this weird-ass love manifesto. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

He came back with this weird-ass love manifesto.

It sounds like you love
keeping women's hair in jars. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

It sounds like you love keeping women's hair in jars.

Look, hey, hey, hey,
when I show people pictures of my baby, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Look, hey, hey, hey, when I show people pictures of my baby,

Know what I'm saying?
If I show you a picture of my baby, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Know what I'm saying? If I show you a picture of my bab...

I had a stranger
I've never met before in my life - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

I had a stranger I've never met before in my life

And keep in mind,
I once met Forest Whitaker - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

And keep in mind, I once met Forest Whitaker

Ghost Dog. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

This is how it happened, right?
I was in line, minding my business, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

This is how it happened, right? I was in line, minding my bu...

And then the woman behind the register,
she looked at him, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

And then the woman behind the register, she looked at him,

He was taken aback.
He looked at her as if to say, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

He was taken aback. He looked at her as if to say,

She just looked right back at him
and rolled her neck as if to say, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

She just looked right back at him and rolled her neck as if ...

He goes, "Oh shit! Forest Whitaker?" - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

He goes, "Oh shit! Forest Whitaker?"

And I'll never forget it, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

And I'll never forget it,

Because you and I,
every single person in this room, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Because you and I, every single person in this room,

It's almost unfair to ask you to compare
your greatest joys to another. It's... - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

It's almost unfair to ask you to compare your greatest ...

Look, hey, I've gotten pussy and Cinnabon
in the same night. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Look, hey, I've gotten pussy and Cinnabon in the same n...

Last year, for my birthday, right, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Last year, for my birthday, right,

And then, we went to a public park, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

And then, we went to a public park,

You understand?
That's how I celebrated my 35th birthday. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

You understand? That's how I celebrated my 35th birthda...

And I'll be honest, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

And I'll be honest,

The players, they had worked hard
to organize themselves - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

The players, they had worked hard to organize themselves

Some rowdy eighth graders showed up - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Some rowdy eighth graders showed up

Stuff that didn't even make sense.
I was sitting on a bench like, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Stuff that didn't even make sense. I was sitting on a b...

And I guess I'm cautious
to call him a left fielder - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

And I guess I'm cautious to call him a left fielder

But the office manager in left field,
he missed an easy pop fly, right? - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

But the office manager in left field, he missed an easy pop ...

I stood up and I shouted, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

I stood up and I shouted,

And what y'all have to understand - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

And what y'all have to understand

You know what I mean? Y'all are okay,
but at the park, I goddamn destroyed. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

You know what I mean? Y'all are okay, but at the park, ...

But here's what you also
have to understand, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

But here's what you also have to understand,

So when I said that, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

So when I said that,

You understand?
I was this 40-year-old white man's dad. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

You understand? I was this 40-year-old white man's dad.

And I'll be honest, I was disappointed. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

And I'll be honest, I was disappointed.

Because this isn't the life
that I imagined for my white son. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Because this isn't the life that I imagined for my whit...

Maybe that's good enough
for your white boys, but not mine. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Maybe that's good enough for your white boys, but not m...

No, sir, his mother and I
had worked too hard, too hard, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

No, sir, his mother and I had worked too hard, too hard,

And I got so angry, so in my head rageful
at what my son was doing, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

And I got so angry, so in my head rageful at what my son was...

I shouted in front of everybody, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

I shouted in front of everybody,

"Gimme that shit." - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

"Gimme that shit."

You're telling me I'm the best thing
that's ever happened to my parents? - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

You're telling me I'm the best thing that's e...

You? You're the best thing
that's ever happened to your parents? - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

You? You're the best thing that's ever happened to...

Most of us still get embarrassed
when we have to read out loud. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Most of us still get embarrassed when we have to read out lo...

The other day, I was reading
my daughter a bedtime story, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

The other day, I was reading my daughter a bedtime story,

I was just sitting there like,
"What the fuck... is a 'peterodasatill'?" - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

I was just sitting there like, "What the fuck... is a &...

There's so much I'm dumb about,
so much I don't understand in the world. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

There's so much I'm dumb about, so much I don'...

As it relates to COVID, right?
Specifically the COVID vaccine. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

As it relates to COVID, right? Specifically the COVID vaccin...

Am I the only person, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Am I the only person,

The key for the deodorant - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

The key for the deodorant

It's just one dude being like, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

It's just one dude being like,

I'm saying I get boners
when I didn't expect... to have a boner. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

I'm saying I get boners when I didn't expect... to...

Everybody be looking at me like, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Everybody be looking at me like,

And I used to think it was
just a me thing, you know? - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

And I used to think it was just a me thing, you know?

I used to think I was the only person
hard in my local Chipotle. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

I used to think I was the only person hard in my local Chipo...

But after years of careful research, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

But after years of careful research,

In fact, every dude in here
has the exact same problem. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

In fact, every dude in here has the exact same problem.

Ladies, whether he's ready
to admit it or not, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Ladies, whether he's ready to admit it or not,

Just avoiding pie charts, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Just avoiding pie charts,

Like, "Oh God, are we at 98%?" - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Like, "Oh God, are we at 98%?"

That's why I don't listen
to anything men have to say - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

That's why I don't listen to anything men have to ...

We be hard, and if you got a hard dick, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

We be hard, and if you got a hard dick,

You can't be erect and correct
at the same time. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

You can't be erect and correct at the same time.

Like, "Damn, Putin got
them big bombs, don't he? Shit!" - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Like, "Damn, Putin got them big bombs, don't he? S...

To bring a person
to their greatest potential, that's scary. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

To bring a person to their greatest potential, that's s...

Fear, honestly, that existed
throughout my wife's entire pregnancy. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Fear, honestly, that existed throughout my wife's entir...

The entire time, I was terrified - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

The entire time, I was terrified

My wife is the exact same mix. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

My wife is the exact same mix.

If I'm half-white, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

If I'm half-white,

Just a little tampon-colored Tyler, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Just a little tampon-colored Tyler,

Talking 'bout, "Daddy, I'm in the mood
for poached eggs." Ew! - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Talking 'bout, "Daddy, I'm in the mood for po...

Don't let anybody tell you
you ain't make rollerblades. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Don't let anybody tell you you ain't make rollerbl...

Okay, this is the best way.
This is it. Okay. It... Here it is. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Okay, this is the best way. This is it. Okay. It... Here it ...

It's hard to blame the white man
for all of your problems - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

It's hard to blame the white man for all of your proble...

I can't... I can't be that...
You know what I mean? - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

I can't... I can't be that... You know what I mean...

Genuinely, this is my biggest fear, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Genuinely, this is my biggest fear,

Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry poster

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

Comedian Langston Kerman talks parenting a top-tier baby, teaching mean teens and managing his mother-in-law's dating apps in this hilarious special.

User Rating: 0.0 (0 ratings)

Director: John Mulaney

Writer: N/A

Production: N/A

Genre: documentary, comedy

Year: 2024

MetaScore: N/A/100

ImdbRating: N/A

BoxOffice: N/A

Released: 20 Aug 2024

Awards: N/A

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