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Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Comedian Langston Kerman talks parenting a top-tier baby, teaching mean teens and managing his mother-in-law's dating apps in this hilarious special.

Director

John Mulaney

Year

Genre

documentary, comedy

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Langston Kerman

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If you have kids, if you're a parent,
and I think we can all agree on this, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

If you have kids, if you're a parent, and I think we ca...

You teach 'em to share, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

You teach 'em to share,

Or even worse, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Nobody ever raises their hand,
but statistically, that can't be correct. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Nobody ever raises their hand, but statistically, that can&#...

The math don't check out, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

The math don't check out,

And let's be clear, ladies and gentlemen, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

And let's be clear, ladies and gentlemen,

Walt Disney wanted
good, wholesome content. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Walt Disney wanted good, wholesome content.

He wanted dead Jews - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

He wanted dead Jews

And now you look over
and some kid is drawing Zazu, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

And now you look over and some kid is drawing Zazu,

Talking about, "Simba, I can't help you
become king. My back hurts." - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Talking about, "Simba, I can't help you become kin...

This is a... This is a weird transition
after that titty joke, but... - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

This is a... This is a weird transition after that titty jok...

I'm the reason
your kid pronounces it "liberry." - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

I'm the reason your kid pronounces it "liberry.&qu...

This is what made teaching
so difficult for me, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

This is what made teaching so difficult for me,

Right? That they can still find
the best version of themselves. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Right? That they can still find the best version of themselv...

And that's so hard, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

And that's so hard,

Some of the meanest things ever said to me - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Some of the meanest things ever said to me

She raised her hand to tell me - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

She raised her hand to tell me

You understand?
She interrupted class to tell me... - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

You understand? She interrupted class to tell me...

Keep in mind,
I wasn't trying to be a male model. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Keep in mind, I wasn't trying to be a male model.

But something so hateful in her spirit - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

But something so hateful in her spirit

"Uh-uh." - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

There are kids who I taught
that I still want to fight to this day. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

There are kids who I taught that I still want to fight to th...

I'll decap Edna's knees
if I ever see her again. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

I'll decap Edna's knees if I ever see her again.

I wanna knife her up
real good in the belly, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

I wanna knife her up real good in the belly,

I... Y'all, I... I was gonna write
silky metaphors. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

I... Y'all, I... I was gonna write silky metaphors.

I was going to go down on weird ladies
with hairy armpits. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

I was going to go down on weird ladies with hairy armpits.

And then I had to teach
an after-school poetry program - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

And then I had to teach an after-school poetry program

And every day, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

She made me sad for two lunar cycles, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

She made me sad for two lunar cycles,

I thought the best way
to get these kids to write their poems - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

I thought the best way to get these kids to write their poem...

I should have just read them Tupac lyrics
like my teachers did for me. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

I should have just read them Tupac lyrics like my teachers d...

"Listen up, kids." - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

"Listen up, kids."

Even worse, the poem that I read them - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Even worse, the poem that I read them

It was a poem about a friend of mine
who died in a car crash. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

It was a poem about a friend of mine who died in a car crash...

And in the poem,
I do all this metaphorical work - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

And in the poem, I do all this metaphorical work

The exact final lines of the poem go, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

The exact final lines of the poem go,

They break the person
you thought you were going to be, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

They break the person you thought you were going to be,

Years ago, I read this article
about a teacher in Idaho, right? - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Years ago, I read this article about a teacher in Idaho, rig...

Teacher in Idaho
who got fired from his job, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Teacher in Idaho who got fired from his job,

And then afterwards, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

And then afterwards,

He fed a baby dog to a living dinosaur - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

He fed a baby dog to a living dinosaur

And every article I read had
the same reaction many of you are having. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

And every article I read had the same reaction many of you a...

Every single one was like, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Every single one was like,

And I kept thinking, "Man..." - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

And I kept thinking, "Man..."

"Fuck them." - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

'Cause he wasn't like that
at the beginning of the year. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

'Cause he wasn't like that at the beginning of the...

They taunted him - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

They taunted him

Till one day he snapped, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Till one day he snapped,

"Is this what you want?" - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

"Is this what you want?"

This next piece I want to share with you
is a personal favorite. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

This next piece I want to share with you is a personal favor...

It's a little number
that I've simply entitled, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

It's a little number that I've simply entitled,

Hello, this is Joe calling. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Hello, this is Joe calling.

Can you definitively prove - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Can you definitively prove

You're getting out... Yeah.
You're wondering, "Maybe this is too far." - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

You're getting out... Yeah. You're wondering, &quo...

He's a 138-year-old man - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

He's a 138-year-old man

Love, you know, the thing that Flavor Flav
and Brigitte Nielsen have. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Love, you know, the thing that Flavor Flav and Brigitte Niel...

I just found out that my wife thinks
that I'm special needs. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

I just found out that my wife thinks that I'm special n...

And yes, she means it in a derogatory way. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

And yes, she means it in a derogatory way.

The other day, she called me from work
and she said this to me, verbatim. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

The other day, she called me from work and she said this to ...

Now, keep in mind,
I have changed some of the words - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Now, keep in mind, I have changed some of the words

She called me up and she said, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

She called me up and she said,

You understand? She told me, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

You understand? She told me,

You know? I took a deep breath, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

You know? I took a deep breath,

The love that we've shared, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

The love that we've shared,

Some of y'all are white.
That's a 98 Degrees' worth of husbands. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Some of y'all are white. That's a 98 Degrees'...

Four different husbands,
and sometimes I think - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Four different husbands, and sometimes I think

She's the only person who figured out
what love is supposed to be. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

She's the only person who figured out what love is supp...

Because while the rest of us
have potentially wasted our lives - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Because while the rest of us have potentially wasted our liv...

She finds a new husband
every other Toyotathon, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

She finds a new husband every other Toyotathon,

Grown men who order
apple juice at restaurants. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Grown men who order apple juice at restaurants.

At one point, I'm not making this up,
my mom married a disgraced NBA mascot. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

At one point, I'm not making this up, my mom married a ...

Yeah, that's not a Mad Lib,
that's a choice she made. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Yeah, that's not a Mad Lib, that's a choice she ma...

First of all, did you know
that NBA mascots could be disgraced? - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

First of all, did you know that NBA mascots could be disgrac...

Did you know these disgraced motherfuckers
could fuck your mom? - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Did you know these disgraced motherfuckers could fuck your m...

Apparently, none of our mothers
can resist the sexual chemistry - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Apparently, none of our mothers can resist the sexual chemis...

You want to know how did he lose his job
as Benny the Bull, right? - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

You want to know how did he lose his job as Benny the Bull, ...

How does one lose such a coveted position
as Chicago mascot Benny the Bull? - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

How does one lose such a coveted position as Chicago mascot ...

I'll tell you. He was fired
from his job as Benny the Bull - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

I'll tell you. He was fired from his job as Benny the B...

Even the police walked up like,
"Benny, what are you doing?" - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Even the police walked up like, "Benny, what are you do...

Go to wikipedia.org/Benny_the_Bull, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Go to wikipedia.org/Benny_the_Bull,

And there you will read about
possibly the dumbest man - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

And there you will read about possibly the dumbest man

You know what I mean?
Given the state of the world, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

You know what I mean? Given the state of the world,

All of our heroes are monsters, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

All of our heroes are monsters,

There is no good and bad.
It's not just good and bad. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

There is no good and bad. It's not just good and bad.

It's not just dark-skinned Sammy Sosa - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

It's not just dark-skinned Sammy Sosa

There are so many different shades
of Sammy Sosa in-between. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

There are so many different shades of Sammy Sosa in-between.

My favorite restaurant in the world, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

My favorite restaurant in the world,

When people show me
fight videos at McDonald's, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

When people show me fight videos at McDonald's,

The other day, I'm at McDonald's,
and I order myself a 10-piece nugget. - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

The other day, I'm at McDonald's, and I order myse...

Because the woman behind the register, - Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry

Because the woman behind the register,

Langston Kerman: Bad Poetry poster

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

Comedian Langston Kerman talks parenting a top-tier baby, teaching mean teens and managing his mother-in-law's dating apps in this hilarious special.

User Rating: 0.0 (0 ratings)

Director: John Mulaney

Writer: N/A

Production: N/A

Genre: documentary, comedy

Year: 2024

MetaScore: N/A/100

ImdbRating: N/A

BoxOffice: N/A

Released: 20 Aug 2024

Awards: N/A

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