"Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels" quotes

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels poster

Eddy persuades his three pals to pool money for a vital poker game against a powerful local mobster, Hatchet Harry. Eddy loses, after which Harry gives him a week to pay back 500,000 pounds.

Director: Guy Ritchie

Writer: Guy Ritchie

Production: N/A

Genre: action, comedy, crime

Year: 1998

MetaScore: 66/100

ImdbRating: 8.2

BoxOffice: $3,753,929

Released: 28 Aug 1998

Awards: Won 1 BAFTA Award13 wins & 9 nominations total

198 Clips

Look we grow weed We're not mercenaries - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Look we grow weed We're not mercenaries

That you boy - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I don't believe this What the fuck has happened here - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I don't believe this What the fuck has happened here

He's the one we shot in the neck - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

He's the one we shot in the neck

What is going on - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

What is going on

Bastard You fucking bastard - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Bastard You fucking bastard

So they had the cash - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

So they had the cash

Is that you Dean - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Is that you Dean

Where the fuck did she come from - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Where the fuck did she come from

Lenny what the fuck's been going on here - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Lenny what the fuck's been going on here

So the traffic warden identified the neighbors' bodies - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

So the traffic warden identified the neighbors' bodies

Apparently it's for security - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Apparently it's for security

We're in shit They were his fucking guns we sold - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

We're in shit They were his fucking guns we sold

How you doing Mick How do you think I'm doing - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

How you doing Mick How do you think I'm doing

This is fucked - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Tom what have you been eating - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Tom what have you been eating

It's time I say Good night nurse - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

It's time I say Good night nurse

I thought you said there'd be no staff Barry - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I thought you said there'd be no staff Barry

Back to you already Eddie - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Back to you already Eddie

Don't go spending that all at once boy - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Don't go spending that all at once boy

That's quite a raise - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

That's quite a raise

Come on you Not now please Not now - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Come on you Not now please Not now

Poofs Nothing heavy Four public schoolboys Soft as shite - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Poofs Nothing heavy Four public schoolboys Soft as shite

How did you get your hands on these then - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

How did you get your hands on these then

What do you want a medal - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

What do you want a medal

Hang on a minute Nathan Something stinks - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Hang on a minute Nathan Something stinks

I don't think it's the right move - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I don't think it's the right move

We're gonna do a proper decoration job - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

We're gonna do a proper decoration job

Oh no not again - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Oh no not again

Golf The best way to spoil a good walk - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Golf The best way to spoil a good walk

I want to look fucking mean - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I want to look fucking mean

Whoa whoa Kenny - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Whoa whoa Kenny

Jesus that wasn't too bad was it - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Jesus that wasn't too bad was it

Jesus that wasn't too bad was it - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Jesus that wasn't too bad was it

But they're lacking in criminal credibility ain't they - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

But they're lacking in criminal credibility ain't they

Can we lock up and get drunk now please - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Can we lock up and get drunk now please

Your stupidity might be your one saving grace - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Your stupidity might be your one saving grace

Keep your fingers out of my soup - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Keep your fingers out of my soup

You think this is a coincidence - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

You think this is a coincidence

So you in the clear - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

So you in the clear

You two join me in my office - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

You two join me in my office

As you know this puts us in an awkward position - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

As you know this puts us in an awkward position

It's about time you gave my young friends a visit Chris - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

It's about time you gave my young friends a visit Chris

Come and have a look - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Come and have a look

He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping pong tiddly in the nuclear sub - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping pong tiddly in...

Soap stop being such a mincer - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Soap stop being such a mincer

Do you want a sandwich Bacon - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Do you want a sandwich Bacon

Rory Breaker Psychotic black dwarf with an Afro - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Rory Breaker Psychotic black dwarf with an Afro

Where the fuck are they going Shift a piano - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Where the fuck are they going Shift a piano

Look it's all completely chicken soup - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Look it's all completely chicken soup

You all right mate - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

You all right mate

I've just spent 220 quid on me hair - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I've just spent 220 quid on me hair

Is that right Mr Botanical - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Is that right Mr Botanical

So who's the guv Who are we doing this for - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

So who's the guv Who are we doing this for

He's got the guns Go ahead you get them - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

He's got the guns Go ahead you get them

If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got

I don't wanna know who you use - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I don't wanna know who you use

20 grand open - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Now you take those guns and you throw them off a bridge - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Now you take those guns and you throw them off a bridge

Yeah little bit of pain never hurt anybody - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Yeah little bit of pain never hurt anybody

You won't have to Just get me a sample - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

You won't have to Just get me a sample

Now watch out for these fellows - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Now watch out for these fellows

So we've got a bit of a problem ain't we - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

So we've got a bit of a problem ain't we

I don't know But what I do know is there's no more Harry - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I don't know But what I do know is there's no more Harry

Lock stock the fucking lot - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Lock stock the fucking lot

What else do I get with it - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

What else do I get with it

All right wrap them guns up - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

All right wrap them guns up

What the fuck is that What the fuck's that - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

What the fuck is that What the fuck's that

And you do have a reputation so I'll choose my words very carefully - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

And you do have a reputation so I'll choose my words very...

Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson

You're not funny Tom You're fat - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

You're not funny Tom You're fat

I have a strong suspicion we should've been rocket scientists - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I have a strong suspicion we should've been rocket...

The money The gear - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

The money The gear

I will loan you the money - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I will loan you the money

Is this some white cunt's joke that black cunts don't get - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Is this some white cunt's joke that black cunts don't get

I understand if this has come as a bit of a shock - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I understand if this has come as a bit of a shock

Well he can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Well he can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling

They fucking shot me - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

They fucking shot me

Charles get the rifle out - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Charles get the rifle out

What did you shoot him with An air gun - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

What did you shoot him with An air gun

Jesus Plank Couldn't you have got smokeless cartridges - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Jesus Plank Couldn't you have got smokeless cartridges

What the fuck are you doing here - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

What the fuck are you doing here

Get Nick - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

And what do they say about assumption being the brother of all fuck ups - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

And what do they say about assumption being the brother of...

Hello my son do you want a lolly - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Hello my son do you want a lolly

The entire British Empire was built on cups of tea - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

The entire British Empire was built on cups of tea

I'll find you - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Fucking Northern monkeys - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Fucking Northern monkeys

Oh and if Tom or anyone else for that matter - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Oh and if Tom or anyone else for that matter

Shotguns What like guns that fire shot - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Shotguns What like guns that fire shot

Fucking hell John - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Fucking hell John

Now this is the smart bit - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Now this is the smart bit

Seems Well this seems to be a waste of my time - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Seems Well this seems to be a waste of my time

Charles why have we got that cage - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Charles why have we got that cage

This guy Rory Breaker - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

This guy Rory Breaker

A minute ago this was the safest job in the world - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

A minute ago this was the safest job in the world

It's been emotional - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

It's been emotional

Your stupidity might be your one saving grace - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Your stupidity might be your one saving grace

Got some bad news for you John - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Got some bad news for you John

If the milk turns out to be sour - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

If the milk turns out to be sour

When you dance with the devil you wait for the song to stop - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

When you dance with the devil you wait for the song to stop

You must be Eddie JD's son - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

You must be Eddie JD's son

What have they got it there for then - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

What have they got it there for then

And they're armed - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

And they're armed

What's that - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I've just spent 120 quid on me hair - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I've just spent 120 quid on me hair

I've a strong suspicion we should have been rocket scientists - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I've a strong suspicion we should have been rocket...

It's been emotional - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

It's been emotional

It's all completely chicken soup - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

It's all completely chicken soup

It's all been replaced by a pile of corpses - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

It's all been replaced by a pile of corpses

It's about time you paid our young friends a visit - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

It's about time you paid our young friends a visit

Is this some white cunts joke that black cunts don't get - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Is this some white cunts joke that black cunts don't get

Is that so - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Is that right - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Back to you - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I'll find you - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

If the milk turns out to be sour - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

If the milk turns out to be sour

If that's you mean - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

If that's you mean

If you know what I mean - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

If you know what I mean

If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got

I wanted to talk to you about that - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I wanted to talk to you about that

I want to look fucking mean - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I want to look fucking mean

I understand if this has come as a bit of a shock - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I understand if this has come as a bit of a shock

I thought you said there'd be no staff Barry - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I thought you said there'd be no staff Barry

I might get laughed at - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I might get laughed at

I don't know - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I don't want to know who you use - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I don't want to know who you use

I don't think it's the right move - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I don't think it's the right move

I don't believe this - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I don't believe this

You're not funny - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

You're not funny

Your stupidity must be your one saving grace - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Your stupidity must be your one saving grace

Your stupidity may be your one saving grace - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Your stupidity may be your one saving grace

You want a sandwich - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

You want a sandwich

You think this is a coincidence - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

You think this is a coincidence

You must be Eddie - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

You must be Eddie

How'd you think I'm doing - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

How'd you think I'm doing

How did you get your hands on these - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

How did you get your hands on these

He's got the guns - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

He's got the guns

He then proceeds to order an Aristotle of the most ping pong tiddly in the Nuclear sub - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

He then proceeds to order an Aristotle of the most ping pong...

He can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

He can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling

Hang on a minute - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Hang on a minute

Guns that fire shot - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Guns that fire shot

Golf the best way to spoil a good walk - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Golf the best way to spoil a good walk

Get the rifle out - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Get the rifle out

Fucking northern monkeys - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Fucking northern monkeys

Don't go spending it all at once - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Don't go spending it all at once

Do you always walk around with this in your pocket - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Do you always walk around with this in your pocket

Count the money - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Count the money

Couldn't you have got smokeless cartridges - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Couldn't you have got smokeless cartridges

Can we lock up and get drunk now - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Can we lock up and get drunk now

As long as you pay for it - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

As long as you pay for it

As you know this puts us in an awkward position - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

As you know this puts us in an awkward position

And throw yourself off while you're at it - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

And throw yourself off while you're at it

A minute ago this was the safest job in the world - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

A minute ago this was the safest job in the world

You in the clear - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

You in the clear

You fucking bastard - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

You fucking bastard

You alright - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Who do you think it is - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Who do you think it is

Where the fuck did she come from - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Where the fuck did she come from

Where the fuck are they going - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Where the fuck are they going

When you dance with the devil - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

When you dance with the devil

What's that - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

What the fuck's been going on here - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

What the fuck's been going on here

What the fuck is that - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

What the fuck is that

What the FUCK are YOU doing here - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

What the FUCK are YOU doing here

What was that - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

What have you been eatin' - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

What have you been eatin'

What is going on - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

What is going on

What do you want - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

What do you want

What do they say about assumption being the brother of all fuck ups - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

What do they say about assumption being the brother of all...

What did you shoot him with - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

What did you shoot him with

What are you doing - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

What are you doing

We're not mercenaries - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

We're not mercenaries

We're in shit - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

We're gonna do a proper decoration job - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

We're gonna do a proper decoration job

This is fucked - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

They fucking shot me - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

They fucking shot me

They cost me 700 quid - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

They cost me 700 quid

The van's half full - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

The van's half full

The fuckin' lot - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

The fuckin' lot

The entire British empire was built on cups of tea - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

The entire British empire was built on cups of tea

That's right - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

That's quite a raise - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

That's quite a raise

That wasn't too bad - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

That wasn't too bad

That greasy wop - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

That greasy wop

Soft as shite - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

So who's the gov' - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

So who's the gov'

So we've got a bit of a problem - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

So we've got a bit of a problem

So they had the cash - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

So they had the cash

So I choose my words very carefully - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

So I choose my words very carefully

Seems expensive - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Seems expensive

Rory Breaker - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson

Now watch out for these fellas - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Now watch out for these fellas

Listen to this one then - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Listen to this one then

Let's sort the buyers from the spyers - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Let's sort the buyers from the spyers

Keep your fingers out of my soup - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Keep your fingers out of my soup

Jesus Christ - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Cast

Tom - Jason Flemyng

Soap - Dexter Fletcher

Eddy - Nick Moran

Bacon - Jason Statham

Winston - Steven Mackintosh

J - Nicholas Rowe

Charles - Nick Marcq

Willie - Charles Forbes

Big Chris - Vinnie Jones

Barry The Baptist - Lenny McLean

Little Chris - Peter McNicholl

Hatchet Harry - P.H. Moriarty

Dog - Frank Harper

Plank - Steve Sweeney

Paul - Huggy Leaver

Mickey - Ronnie Fox

John - Tony McMahon

Nick The Greek - Stephen Marcus

Rory Breaker - Vas Blackwood

JD - Sting

Dean - Jake Abraham

Traffic Warden - Rob Brydon

Lenny - Stephen Callender-Ferrier

Boxing Gym Bouncer - Steve Collins

Nathan - Elwin 'Chopper' David

Tanya - Vera Day

Don - Jimmy Flint

Alan / Narrator - Alan Ford

Phil - Sid Golder

Slick - Alex Hall

Doorman - John Houchin

Policeman - Derek Howard

Barfly Jack - Danny John-Jules

Gordon - Bal Jusar

Drowning Man - Tim Maurice-Jones

Gary - Victor McGuire

Serg - Mark Mooney

Gloria - Suzy Ratner

Samoan Jo (as David 'Disco' Reid) - David Reid

Policeman - Graham Stevens

John O'Driscoll - James Tarbuck

Man In Pub (as Andy Tiernan) - Andrew Tiernan

Frazer - Richard Vanstone

Yuppy In Car - Matthew Vaughn

Townsperson - Denise Dove