"Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels" quotes

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels poster
Eddy persuades his three pals to pool money for a vital poker game against a powerful local mobster, Hatchet Harry. Eddy loses, after which Harry gives him a week to pay back 500,000 pounds.

Director: Guy Ritchie
Writer: Guy Ritchie
Production: N/A
Year: 1998
MetaScore: 66/100
ImdbRating: 8.2
BoxOffice: $3,753,929
Released: 28 Aug 1998
Awards: Won 1 BAFTA Award13 wins & 9 nominations total

198 Clips

Look we grow weed We're not mercenaries - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:07
Look we grow weed We're not mercenaries
That you boy - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:34
That you boy
I don't believe this What the fuck has happened here - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:06
I don't believe this What the fuck has happened here
He's the one we shot in the neck - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:06
He's the one we shot in the neck
What is going on - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:04
What is going on
Bastard You fucking bastard - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:06
Bastard You fucking bastard
So they had the cash - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:17
So they had the cash
Is that you Dean - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:06
Is that you Dean
Where the fuck did she come from - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:13
Where the fuck did she come from
Lenny what the fuck's been going on here - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:05
Lenny what the fuck's been going on here
So the traffic warden identified the neighbors' bodies - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:37
So the traffic warden identified the neighbors' bodies
Apparently it's for security - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:04
Apparently it's for security
We're in shit They were his fucking guns we sold - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:05
We're in shit They were his fucking guns we sold
How you doing Mick How do you think I'm doing - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:07
How you doing Mick How do you think I'm doing
This is fucked - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:10
This is fucked
Tom what have you been eating - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:03
Tom what have you been eating
It's time I say Good night nurse - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:04
It's time I say Good night nurse
I thought you said there'd be no staff Barry - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:33
I thought you said there'd be no staff Barry
Back to you already Eddie - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:04
Back to you already Eddie
Don't go spending that all at once boy - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:05
Don't go spending that all at once boy
That's quite a raise - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:11
That's quite a raise
Come on you Not now please Not now - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:07
Come on you Not now please Not now
Poofs Nothing heavy Four public schoolboys Soft as shite - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:06
Poofs Nothing heavy Four public schoolboys Soft as shite
How did you get your hands on these then - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:36
How did you get your hands on these then
What do you want a medal - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:07
What do you want a medal
Hang on a minute Nathan Something stinks - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:22
Hang on a minute Nathan Something stinks
I don't think it's the right move - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:18
I don't think it's the right move
We're gonna do a proper decoration job - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:11
We're gonna do a proper decoration job
Oh no not again - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:04
Oh no not again
Golf The best way to spoil a good walk - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:21
Golf The best way to spoil a good walk
I want to look fucking mean - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:08
I want to look fucking mean
Whoa whoa Kenny - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:24
Whoa whoa Kenny
Jesus that wasn't too bad was it - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:36
Jesus that wasn't too bad was it
Jesus that wasn't too bad was it - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:37
Jesus that wasn't too bad was it
But they're lacking in criminal credibility ain't they - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:05
But they're lacking in criminal credibility ain't they
Can we lock up and get drunk now please - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:05
Can we lock up and get drunk now please
Your stupidity might be your one saving grace - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:09
Your stupidity might be your one saving grace
Keep your fingers out of my soup - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:04
Keep your fingers out of my soup
You think this is a coincidence - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:11
You think this is a coincidence
So you in the clear - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:21
So you in the clear
You two join me in my office - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:36
You two join me in my office
As you know this puts us in an awkward position - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:09
As you know this puts us in an awkward position
It's about time you gave my young friends a visit Chris - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:33
It's about time you gave my young friends a visit Chris
Come and have a look - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:17
Come and have a look
He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping pong tiddly in the nuclear sub - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:06
He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping pong tiddly in...
Soap stop being such a mincer - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:04
Soap stop being such a mincer
Do you want a sandwich Bacon - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:03
Do you want a sandwich Bacon
Rory Breaker Psychotic black dwarf with an Afro - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:07
Rory Breaker Psychotic black dwarf with an Afro
Where the fuck are they going Shift a piano - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:11
Where the fuck are they going Shift a piano
Look it's all completely chicken soup - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:10
Look it's all completely chicken soup
You all right mate - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:06
You all right mate
I've just spent 220 quid on me hair - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:07
I've just spent 220 quid on me hair
Is that right Mr Botanical - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:04
Is that right Mr Botanical
So who's the guv Who are we doing this for - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:23
So who's the guv Who are we doing this for
He's got the guns Go ahead you get them - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:10
He's got the guns Go ahead you get them
If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:09
If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got
I don't wanna know who you use - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:06
I don't wanna know who you use
20 grand open - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:28
20 grand open
Now you take those guns and you throw them off a bridge - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:07
Now you take those guns and you throw them off a bridge
Yeah little bit of pain never hurt anybody - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:07
Yeah little bit of pain never hurt anybody
You won't have to Just get me a sample - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:12
You won't have to Just get me a sample
Now watch out for these fellows - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:09
Now watch out for these fellows
So we've got a bit of a problem ain't we - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:35
So we've got a bit of a problem ain't we
I don't know But what I do know is there's no more Harry - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:25
I don't know But what I do know is there's no more Harry
Lock stock the fucking lot - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:05
Lock stock the fucking lot
What else do I get with it - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:06
What else do I get with it
All right wrap them guns up - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:08
All right wrap them guns up
What the fuck is that What the fuck's that - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:10
What the fuck is that What the fuck's that
And you do have a reputation so I'll choose my words very carefully - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:22
And you do have a reputation so I'll choose my words very...
Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:36
Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson
You're not funny Tom You're fat - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:07
You're not funny Tom You're fat
I have a strong suspicion we should've been rocket scientists - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:17
I have a strong suspicion we should've been rocket...
The money The gear - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:25
The money The gear
I will loan you the money - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:18
I will loan you the money
Is this some white cunt's joke that black cunts don't get - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:09
Is this some white cunt's joke that black cunts don't get
I understand if this has come as a bit of a shock - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:22
I understand if this has come as a bit of a shock
Well he can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:17
Well he can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling
They fucking shot me - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:05
They fucking shot me
Charles get the rifle out - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:08
Charles get the rifle out
What did you shoot him with An air gun - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:18
What did you shoot him with An air gun
Jesus Plank Couldn't you have got smokeless cartridges - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:12
Jesus Plank Couldn't you have got smokeless cartridges
What the fuck are you doing here - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:09
What the fuck are you doing here
Get Nick - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:11
Get Nick
And what do they say about assumption being the brother of all fuck ups - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:17
And what do they say about assumption being the brother of...
Hello my son do you want a lolly - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:07
Hello my son do you want a lolly
The entire British Empire was built on cups of tea - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:11
The entire British Empire was built on cups of tea
I'll find you - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:11
I'll find you
Fucking Northern monkeys - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:10
Fucking Northern monkeys
Oh and if Tom or anyone else for that matter - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:35
Oh and if Tom or anyone else for that matter
Shotguns What like guns that fire shot - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:10
Shotguns What like guns that fire shot
Fucking hell John - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:09
Fucking hell John
Now this is the smart bit - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:36
Now this is the smart bit
Seems Well this seems to be a waste of my time - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:36
Seems Well this seems to be a waste of my time
Charles why have we got that cage - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:35
Charles why have we got that cage
This guy Rory Breaker - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:34
This guy Rory Breaker
A minute ago this was the safest job in the world - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:07
A minute ago this was the safest job in the world
It's been emotional - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:04
It's been emotional
Your stupidity might be your one saving grace - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:26
Your stupidity might be your one saving grace
Got some bad news for you John - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:14
Got some bad news for you John
If the milk turns out to be sour - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:11
If the milk turns out to be sour
When you dance with the devil you wait for the song to stop - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:06
When you dance with the devil you wait for the song to stop
You must be Eddie JD's son - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:15
You must be Eddie JD's son
What have they got it there for then - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:34
What have they got it there for then
And they're armed - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:14
And they're armed
What's that - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:24
What's that
I've just spent 120 quid on me hair - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:29
I've just spent 120 quid on me hair
I've a strong suspicion we should have been rocket scientists - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:44
I've a strong suspicion we should have been rocket...
It's been emotional - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:11
It's been emotional
It's all completely chicken soup - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:26
It's all completely chicken soup
It's all been replaced by a pile of corpses - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:22
It's all been replaced by a pile of corpses
It's about time you paid our young friends a visit - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:51
It's about time you paid our young friends a visit
Is this some white cunts joke that black cunts don't get - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:27
Is this some white cunts joke that black cunts don't get
Is that so - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:39
Is that so
Is that right - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:16
Is that right
Back to you - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:41
Back to you
I'll find you - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:30
I'll find you
If the milk turns out to be sour - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:24
If the milk turns out to be sour
If that's you mean - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 01:12
If that's you mean
If you know what I mean - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 02:01
If you know what I mean
If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:25
If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got
I wanted to talk to you about that - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 02:41
I wanted to talk to you about that
I want to look fucking mean - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:23
I want to look fucking mean
I understand if this has come as a bit of a shock - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:45
I understand if this has come as a bit of a shock
I thought you said there'd be no staff Barry - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:59
I thought you said there'd be no staff Barry
I might get laughed at - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:20
I might get laughed at
I don't know - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:18
I don't know
I don't want to know who you use - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:22
I don't want to know who you use
I don't think it's the right move - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:54
I don't think it's the right move
I don't believe this - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 01:32
I don't believe this
You're not funny - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:22
You're not funny
Your stupidity must be your one saving grace - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 03:09
Your stupidity must be your one saving grace
Your stupidity may be your one saving grace - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:19
Your stupidity may be your one saving grace
You want a sandwich - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:11
You want a sandwich
You think this is a coincidence - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:35
You think this is a coincidence
You must be Eddie - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:32
You must be Eddie
How'd you think I'm doing - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:20
How'd you think I'm doing
How did you get your hands on these - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 01:26
How did you get your hands on these
He's got the guns - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:27
He's got the guns
He then proceeds to order an Aristotle of the most ping pong tiddly in the Nuclear sub - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:24
He then proceeds to order an Aristotle of the most ping pong...
He can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 01:10
He can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling
Hang on a minute - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:39
Hang on a minute
Guns that fire shot - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:24
Guns that fire shot
Golf   the best way to spoil a good walk - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:34
Golf the best way to spoil a good walk
Get the rifle out - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:14
Get the rifle out
Fucking northern monkeys - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:20
Fucking northern monkeys
Don't go spending it all at once - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:14
Don't go spending it all at once
Do you always walk around with this in your pocket - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:33
Do you always walk around with this in your pocket
Count the money - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:19
Count the money
Couldn't you have got smokeless cartridges - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:37
Couldn't you have got smokeless cartridges
Can we lock up and get drunk now - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:14
Can we lock up and get drunk now
As long as you pay for it - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:26
As long as you pay for it
As you know this puts us in an awkward position - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:23
As you know this puts us in an awkward position
And throw yourself off while you're at it - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:26
And throw yourself off while you're at it
A minute ago this was the safest job in the world - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:25
A minute ago this was the safest job in the world
You in the clear - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:39
You in the clear
You fucking bastard - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:11
You fucking bastard
You alright - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:23
You alright
Who do you think it is - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:19
Who do you think it is
Where the fuck did she come from - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:21
Where the fuck did she come from
Where the fuck are they going - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:34
Where the fuck are they going
When you dance with the devil - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:19
When you dance with the devil
What's that - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:20
What's that
What the fuck's been going on here - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:17
What the fuck's been going on here
What the fuck is that - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:12
What the fuck is that
What the FUCK are YOU doing here - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:20
What the FUCK are YOU doing here
What was that - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:25
What was that
What have you been eatin' - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:12
What have you been eatin'
What is going on - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:10
What is going on
What do you want - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:28
What do you want
What do they say about assumption being the brother of all fuck ups - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:49
What do they say about assumption being the brother of all...
What did you shoot him with - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:25
What did you shoot him with
What are you doing - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:45
What are you doing
We're not mercenaries - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:14
We're not mercenaries
We're in shit - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:17
We're in shit
We're gonna do a proper decoration job - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:30
We're gonna do a proper decoration job
This is fucked - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:19
This is fucked
They fucking shot me - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:16
They fucking shot me
They cost me 700 quid - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 01:10
They cost me 700 quid
The van's half full - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:32
The van's half full
The fuckin' lot - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:10
The fuckin' lot
The entire British empire was built on cups of tea - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:36
The entire British empire was built on cups of tea
That's right - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:19
That's right
That's quite a raise - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:24
That's quite a raise
That wasn't too bad - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 02:27
That wasn't too bad
That greasy wop - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:24
That greasy wop
Soft as shite - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:16
Soft as shite
So who's the gov' - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:56
So who's the gov'
So we've got a bit of a problem - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 01:52
So we've got a bit of a problem
So they had the cash - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:39
So they had the cash
So I choose my words very carefully - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:32
So I choose my words very carefully
Seems expensive - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 02:30
Seems expensive
Rory Breaker - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 03:36
Rory Breaker
Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 01:40
Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson
Now watch out for these fellas - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:25
Now watch out for these fellas
Listen to this one then - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 03:52
Listen to this one then
Let's sort the buyers from the spyers - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 04:54
Let's sort the buyers from the spyers
Keep your fingers out of my soup - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:14
Keep your fingers out of my soup
Jesus Christ - Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 00:33
Jesus Christ

Cast

Eddy - Nick Moran
Charles - Nick Marcq
Big Chris - Vinnie Jones
Barry The Baptist - Lenny McLean
Little Chris - Peter McNicholl
Hatchet Harry - P.H. Moriarty
Mickey - Ronnie Fox
Nick The Greek - Stephen Marcus
Rory Breaker - Vas Blackwood
JD - Sting
Traffic Warden - Rob Brydon
Boxing Gym Bouncer - Steve Collins
Tanya - Vera Day
Alan / Narrator - Alan Ford
Phil - Sid Golder
Slick - Alex Hall
Doorman - John Houchin
Policeman - Derek Howard
Barfly Jack - Danny John-Jules
Gordon - Bal Jusar
Drowning Man - Tim Maurice-Jones
Gloria - Suzy Ratner
Samoan Jo (as David 'Disco' Reid) - David Reid
Policeman - Graham Stevens
John O'Driscoll - James Tarbuck
Man In Pub (as Andy Tiernan) - Andrew Tiernan
Yuppy In Car - Matthew Vaughn
Townsperson - Denise Dove