Well, what's the matter with her today? I don't know, I think it's one of those ladies'...

Trapper John: Well, what's the matter with her today? Hawkeye Pierce: I don't know, I think it's one of those ladies' things. Trapper John: It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch, look at my new flannel coat. She's going to have a nervous breakdown. Hawkeye Pierce: She can't even get out of the door, look. [Hawkeye sits down with Frank] Hawkeye Pierce: Morning, Frank. Heard from your wife? A bunch of the boys asked me to, uh, ask you, Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack. You know, was she... Frank Burns: Mind your own business. Hawkeye Pierce: No Frank, you know, is she better than self-abuse? Does that- does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank or does it sort of lie there flaccid? What would you say about that? Duke Forrest: What's Going on over there, is he getting pointers or something? Trapper John: Oh no, Hawkeye's trying to get him on an appearance tour. Duke Forrest: Ohhhh, is that a fact? Hawkeye Pierce: Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank? Seriously Frank. I mean, does she go "ooooh" or does she lie there quiet and not do anything at all? Frank Burns: Keep your filthy mouth to yourself. Hawkeye Pierce: Or does she go "uh-uh-uh"? [Frank leaps over the table and attacks Hawkeye] Hawkeye Pierce: Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me! Duke Forrest: What's going on, Frank? That lesson one? Hawkeye Pierce: Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake! Trapper John: Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye! That man is a sex maniac; I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye!