The unanticipated marketing growth for Culcitate by small farms in colder climates...
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Arthur Edens: Yes! Here we are, all together. Is everyone listening? 'Cause this is the moment you've been waiting for, a very special piece of paper, so let's have a big, paranoid, malignant round of applause... for United Northfield Culcitate Internal Research Memorandum #229! June 19th, 1991. "Conclusion: The unanticipated marketing growth for Culcitate by small farms in colder climates demands IMMEDIATE cost-benefit analysis." Hah. Would you like a little bit of legal advice? NEVER let a scientist use the words "unanticipated" and "immediate" in the same sentence. Okay? Okay. "In-house field studies have indicated small, short-season farms dependent on well water for human consumption are at risk for toxic, particulate concentrations at levels significant enough to cause serious human tissue damage." Well, this is a long way of saying that you don't even have to leave your house to be killed by our product, we'll pipe it into your kitchen sink. "Culcitate's great market advantage that it is tasteless, colorless, and does not precipitate, has the potential to mask and intensify these potentially lethal exposures." Now, I love this. Not only is this a great product, it is a superb cancer delivery system. "Chemical modifications of Culcitate product, or the addition of a detector molecule such as an odorant or a colorant, would require a top-down redesign of the Culcitate-manufacturing process. These costs, while assumed to be significant, were not summarized here." Which, loosely translated, means "it's going to cost a fortune to go back on this, and I'm just an asshole in a lab, so could someone else PLEASE make the decision?" "CLEARLY, the release of these internal research documents would compromise the effective marketing of Culcitate, and MUST be kept within the protective confines of United Northfield's trade secret language." You don't need me... to tell you what that means. Goodbye!
Full Transcript
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Here we are all together Is everyone listening
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'Cause this is the moment you've been waiting for A special piece of paper
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So let's have a big paranoid malignant round of applause
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for United Northfield Culcitate Internal Research Memorandum Number 229
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June 19th 1991
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Conclusion
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The unanticipated market growth for Culcitate
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by small farms in colder climates
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demands immediate cost benefit analysis
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Would you guys like a little bit of legal advice
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Never let a scientist use the words
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unanticipated e immediate in the same sentence
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Okay Okay
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In house field studies have indicated
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that small short reason farms
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dependent on well water for human consumption
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are at risk for toxic particulate concentrations at levels
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significant enough to cause serious human tissue damage
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Well this is a long way of saying that
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you don't even have to leave your house to be killed by our product
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We'll pipe it into your kitchen sink
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Culcitate's great market advantage Give me the phone
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That it is tasteless colorless and does not precipitate
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has the potential to mask and intensify
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these potentially lethal exposures
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Now I love this
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Not only is this a great product
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it is a superb cancer delivery system
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Chemical modifications of the Culcitate product
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the addition of a detector molecule such as an odorant or colorant
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would require a top down redesign of the Culcitate manufacturing process
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These costs while assumed to be significant were not summarized here
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Which loosely translated means
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It's going to cost a fortune to go back on this and I'm an asshole in a lab
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So could someone else please make the decision
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Clearly the release of these internal research documents
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would compromise the effective marketing of Culcitate
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and must be kept within the protective confines
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of United Northfield's trade secret language
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You don't need me to tell you what that means
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Good bye
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Movie Summary
A law firm brings in its "fixer" to remedy the situation after a lawyer has a breakdown while representing a chemical company that he knows is guilty in a multibillion-dollar class action suit.
