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Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

[HBO] HD. Pete Holmes stars in his second special for HBO, taped in front of a sold-out live audience at the Aladdin Theater in Portland, Oregon.

Director

Marcus Raboy

Year

Genre

Box Office

N/A

Production

HBO

Awards

N/A

Homepage

https://www.hbo.com/specials/pete-holmes-dirty-clean

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Explore 325 Clips

It's either radio silence or it thinks
you rush a kidney to the Obama family. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

It's either radio silence or it thinks you rush a kidne...

I mean this. Give up.
Surrender. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

I mean this. Give up. Surrender.

Long, slow, straight, good. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Long, slow, straight, good.

Tune out, listen to music.
Why are you so afraid of being alone? - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Tune out, listen to music. Why are you so afraid of being al...

Just be with yourself. Call an old
friend, keep a friendship alive, - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Just be with yourself. Call an old friend, keep a friendship...

My friends all get there,
I feel you pulling away... - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

My friends all get there, I feel you pulling away...

My friends all use Waze. They get to
the office five minutes before me. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

My friends all use Waze. They get to the office five minutes...

You can tell they use Waze
because they're white as a sheet. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

You can tell they use Waze because they're white as a s...

Their eyes are bugging out of their
head for making those suicide lefts - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Their eyes are bugging out of their head for making those su...

You can be five minutes early, I'll be
ten minutes late and tell everyone - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

You can be five minutes early, I'll be ten minutes late...

What I'm saying is enjoy everything,
this is all we have, - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

What I'm saying is enjoy everything, this is all we hav...

You don't think there's evidence,
but you're open to it. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

You don't think there's evidence, but you're ...

And who thinks it's just dead over,
you just unplug the TV, boom? - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

And who thinks it's just dead over, you just unplug the...

I think you're all right. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

I think you're all right.

They all say the same thing to me,
they're like, "Pete, think about it." - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

They all say the same thing to me, they're like, "...

Makes no sense, an afterlife." - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Makes no sense, an afterlife."

You got to think about that again
because an afterlife..." - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

You got to think about that again because an afterlife...&qu...

You know what else makes no sense?
Fucking this." - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

You know what else makes no sense? Fucking this."

But my friends...
Why not? - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

But my friends... Why not?

But my friends are all, like,
"No, man, there's this bullshit - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

But my friends are all, like, "No, man, there's th...

You're on a planet right now.
You think you're in America? Zoom out. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

You're on a planet right now. You think you're in ...

You're on a space rock floating
in nothingness, infinite nothingness. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

You're on a space rock floating in nothingness, infinit...

We all just act like it's normal, like,
"Everything's made of molecules." - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

We all just act like it's normal, like, "Everythin...

That makes no fucking sense. These
molecules know they're molecules? - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

That makes no fucking sense. These molecules know they'...

These molecules are like, "I'm Pete."
That doesn't make any sense. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

These molecules are like, "I'm Pete." That do...

This stool is made of molecules,
the same molecules in my hand. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

This stool is made of molecules, the same molecules in my ha...

Some of the molecules in this stool
went into me while I've been talking. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Some of the molecules in this stool went into me while I...

And when I knock these molecules into
these molecules, when we ask Science, - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

And when I knock these molecules into these molecules, when ...

That doesn't make any fucking sense. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

That doesn't make any fucking sense.

I'm open to anything.
If I died... Listen to me, - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

I'm open to anything. If I died... Listen to me,

It makes me wonder like, I wonder
as a thought experiment - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

It makes me wonder like, I wonder as a thought experiment

If we were all just hanging out
in some sort of primordial area, - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

If we were all just hanging out in some sort of primordial a...

He's like, "You believe in life?" - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

He's like, "You believe in life?"

I see that for sure. And I'm not afraid
of nothing. I'm not afraid of nothing. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

I see that for sure. And I'm not afraid of nothing. I&#...

Who fucking cares? It's nothing.
If you're nothing, but you're like, - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Who fucking cares? It's nothing. If you're nothing...

Just jump off the high dive into soft,
dark soil and you're like, "Bye, Pete." - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Just jump off the high dive into soft, dark soil and you...

Be reasonable.
There's no fucking hell. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Be reasonable. There's no fucking hell.

Don't wanna be wrong about that one. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Don't wanna be wrong about that one.

If there is a hell, I don't think
the worst part will be the torture. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

If there is a hell, I don't think the worst part will b...

The worst part would be that we don't
get breaks to talk about the torture. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

The worst part would be that we don't get breaks to tal...

And we all just gather in a common
area, drink boiling water. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

And we all just gather in a common area, drink boiling water...

Just like,
"What are they doing to you?" - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Just like, "What are they doing to you?"

It's like tiny little crabs
and they're eating me real slow." - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

It's like tiny little crabs and they're eating me ...

I think... I think that
might be my heaven. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

I think... I think that might be my heaven.

Like suffering then talking about it,
suffering then talking about it. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Like suffering then talking about it, suffering then talking...

Like what we're doing here.
You know what I'm saying? - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Like what we're doing here. You know what I'm sayi...

What if the last words of the Bible
where you had to be there? What if. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

What if the last words of the Bible where you had to be ther...

Yeah, to the end, it really would've
made more sense if you saw this. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Yeah, to the end, it really would've made more sense if...

One of my career goals is to open
a Christian buffet called, - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

One of my career goals is to open a Christian buffet called,

On the count of three,
don't say anything. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

On the count of three, don't say anything.

At the same time, we're all gonna
check. Don't say anything. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

At the same time, we're all gonna check. Don't say...

I'm serious. What did you just do? - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

I'm serious. What did you just do?

Three, two, one. Check if
you have to pee. What. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Three, two, one. Check if you have to pee. What.

What action did you just command?
You're like, "Okay, go down." - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

What action did you just command? You're like, "Ok...

Who you are is behind your eyes and you
just sort of puppeteer your body. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Who you are is behind your eyes and you just sort of puppete...

You just kind of dangling down there
like a marionette. You're like, - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

You just kind of dangling down there like a marionette. You&...

But every time you check if you have to
pee, you send a little piece of you - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

But every time you check if you have to pee, you send a litt...

I'm so tired of not talking about this. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

I'm so tired of not talking about this.

Your brain has eyes like you have eyes. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Your brain has eyes like you have eyes.

But your brain also has eyes that see
things that only you can see. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

But your brain also has eyes that see things that only you c...

Like picture an orange, keep your eyes
open but picture an orange, the fuck. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Like picture an orange, keep your eyes open but picture an o...

Like really do it. Keep 'em open
but think really hard about an orange. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Like really do it. Keep 'em open but think really hard ...

What the shit.
Just for a second. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

What the shit. Just for a second.

Just a giant orange. I don't know how
big yours was. Mine was giant. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Just a giant orange. I don't know how big yours was. Mi...

She's a giant translucent orange
that only you can see. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

She's a giant translucent orange that only you can see.

But why do you have to be stoned for
this to be interesting? - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

But why do you have to be stoned for this to be interesting?

Everybody sing happy birthday
in your head right now. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Everybody sing happy birthday in your head right now.

I'm serious. What the fuck is going
on? It's so normal. We're just like, - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

I'm serious. What the fuck is going on? It's so no...

Was it louder?
Clap if you think it was louder. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Was it louder? Clap if you think it was louder.

Clap if it wasn't louder, the voice was
just going... "Happy birth..." - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Clap if it wasn't louder, the voice was just going... &...

Okay. So you can't make it louder? - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Okay. So you can't make it louder?

There's just a set volume
for your thoughts? - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

There's just a set volume for your thoughts?

How do you know your set volume
is the same as my set volume? - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

How do you know your set volume is the same as my set volume...

Maybe to some people, it's louder.
Maybe that's what crazy people are. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Maybe to some people, it's louder. Maybe that's wh...

They're not crazy
but they just have a fucked up volume. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

They're not crazy but they just have a fucked up volume...

They're walking around and then just
like, "Buy a hammer." "All right!" - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

They're walking around and then just like, "Buy a ...

I'll tell you his black for a reason.
He kept saying the N word. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

I'll tell you his black for a reason. He kept saying th...

He kept saying "The N word." - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

He kept saying "The N word."

Some of you are sitting
that one out. I can see that. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Some of you are sitting that one out. I can see that.

There's a pheromone
white people release - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

There's a pheromone white people release

It's totally fine to be racist towards.
I didn't mean like, hate speech. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

It's totally fine to be racist towards. I didn't m...

I mean casual, socially acceptable
racism. Like towards Italians. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

I mean casual, socially acceptable racism. Like towards Ital...

I can be with my Italian friends,
it's totally fine for me to be like, - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

I can be with my Italian friends, it's totally fine for...

"Oh, linguini with clams." - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

"Oh, linguini with clams."

This is not a controversy, it's fine.
It's in our video games. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

This is not a controversy, it's fine. It's in our ...

"It's a me, Mario." - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

"It's a me, Mario."

It's a me, just an impression of an
immigrant struggling with the language. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

It's a me, just an impression of an immigrant strugglin...

"I'mma Luigi, I'mma gonna win ah." - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

"I'mma Luigi, I'mma gonna win ah."

Help him find the bus,
help him find work. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

Help him find the bus, help him find work.

I agree, why is it fine to be, like,
"Ah, Giuseppi." Like, it's crazy. - Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

I agree, why is it fine to be, like, "Ah, Giuseppi.&quo...

Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean poster

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

[HBO] HD. Pete Holmes stars in his second special for HBO, taped in front of a sold-out live audience at the Aladdin Theater in Portland, Oregon.

User Rating: 0.0 (0 ratings)

Director: Marcus Raboy

Writer: Pete Holmes

Production: HBO

Genre: comedy

Year: 2018

MetaScore: N/A/100

ImdbRating: 7.1

BoxOffice: N/A

Released: 15 Dec 2018

Awards: N/A

Homepage: https://www.hbo.com/specials/pete-holmes-dirty-clean