Boom-baba-boom-baba... Boom-baba-boom-baba-boom. And now, the one you've all been waiting...
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[as Lardass walks across the stage to his seat the Benevolent Order of Antelopes mock him in rhythm with his steps]
Crowd:
Boom-baba-boom-baba...
[They fall silent as Lardass glares at them, but then they resume their mockery as soon as he starts moving again]
Crowd:
Boom-baba-boom-baba-boom.
Mayor Grundy:
And now, the one you've all been waiting for, the four-time champion, our own, Bill Travis!
[Cheers and applause; Mayor aside to Travis]
Mayor Grundy:
Listen, I got ten ridin' on you myself, Billy-boy.
[Now he speaks to the crowd]
Mayor Grundy:
Alright, are you ready? Hands behind your backs, gentlemen! Drum roll!
Donelley Twin, Donelley Twin:
Hey, Lardass! Chow down, Wide Load!
Mayor Grundy:
Heh-heh-heh... GO!
[the contestants bury their faces and begin eating. Within a few seconds, Lardass has finished his first pie]
Lardass Hogan:
Done!
[Lardass finishes his second pie]
Lardass Hogan:
Done!
[Bill Travis finishes his first pie]
Bill Travis:
Done!
Lardass Hogan:
[Lardass finishes his third pie]
Done!
Mayor Grundy:
[to Lardass]
You better pace yourself if you wanna hold out, boy.
[Lardass continues and the crowd starts to cheer him on]
Crowd:
Lardass! Lardass!
Gordie:
What the audience didn't know was that Lardass wasn't really interested in winning. What he wanted was revenge, and right before he was introduced he'd gotten ready for it.
[Cut to flashback scene showing Lardass drinking a quart bottle of Castor Oil and eating a raw egg just before the start of the contest; cut back to the contest in progress]
Gordie:
Diving into his fifth pie, Lardass began to imagine that he wasn't eating pies. He pretended he was eating cow-plops, and rat guts in blueberry sauce.
Crowd:
Lardass! Lardass!
Lardass Hogan:
Done!
[Lardass prepares to dive into his sixth pie, but then his stomach starts rumbling]
Gordie:
Slowly, a sound started to build in Lardass' stomach. A strange and scary sound, like a log truck coming at you at a hundred miles-an-hour. Suddenly, Lardass opened his mouth, and before Bill Travis knew it...
[Lardass barfs all over Bill]
Gordie:
... he was covered with five pies worth of used blueberries. The women in the audience screamed. Bossman Bob Cormier took one look at Bill Travis and barfed on Principal Wiggins, who barfed on the lumberjack that was sitting next to him. Mayor Grundy barfed on his wife's tits. But when the smell hit the crowd, that's when Lardass' plan really started to work. Girlfriends barfed on boyfriends. Kids barfed on their parents. A fat lady barfed in her purse. The Donnelley twins barfed on each other, and the Women's Auxiliary barfed all over the Benevolent Order of Antelopes. And Lardass just sat back and enjoyed what he'd created-a complete and total barf-o-rama!
Vern, Teddy, Chris:
[Cheering and laughing]
Yeah!
Transcript
And now,
the one you've all been waiting for.
The four-time champion,
our own Bill Travis.
Listen I got $10 riding
on you myself, Billy Boy.
All right. Are you ready?
Hands behind your backs, gentlemen.
Drum roll.
Hey Lardass!
Chow down, Wide Load.
Go.
Done!
Done!
Done!
Done!
You better pace yourself,
if you want to hold out, boy.
Come on, Lardass!
Lardass!
Lardass!
What the audience didn't know,
was that Lardass
wasn't really interested in winning.
What he wanted was revenge.
And right before he was introduced,
he'd gotten ready for it.
Principal John Wiggins.
And our celebrity contestant
from KLAM in Portland,
The Bossman himself,
Bob Cormier!
Hey, from the racks and stacks
it's the best on wax.
How about another double, golden oldie,
twin-spin sound sandwich
from KLAM in Portland?
It's...
Done.
Diving into his fifth pie, Lardass began
to imagine that he wasn't eating pies.
He pretended he was eating cow flops
and rat guts in blueberry sauce.
Done.
Lardass!
Lardass!
Slowly, a sound started to build
in Lardass' stomach.
A strange and scary sound,
like a log truck coming
at you at 100 miles an hour.
Suddenly,
Lardass opened his mouth,
and before Bill Travis knew it,
he was covered with five pies worth
of used blueberries.
The women in the audience screamed.
Bossman Bob Cormier took
one look at Bill Travis
and barfed on Principal Wiggins.
Principal Wiggins barfed on the lumberjack
that was sitting next to him.
Mayor Grundy barfed on his wife's tits!
But when the smell hit the crowd,
that's when Lardass' plan
really started to work.
Girlfriends barfed on boyfriends.
Kids barfed on their parents.
A fat lady barfed in her purse.
The Donelley twins barfed on each other.
And the Women's Auxiliary barfed all over
the Benevolent Order of Antelopes.
And Lardass just sat back
and enjoyed what he'd created.
A complete and total barf-o-rama.
Too cool! Too cool!
Man, that was the best, just the best.
Yeah.
Then what happened?
What do you mean?
I mean, what happened?
What do you mean what happened?
That's the end.
How can that be the end?
What kind of an ending is that?
What happened to Lardass?
I don't know.
Maybe he went home and celebrated
with a couple of cheeseburgers.
Jeez,
that ending sucks.
Why don't you make it so that...
so that Lardass goes home,
and he shoots his father?
Then he runs away,
and he joins the Texas Rangers.
How about that?
I don't know.
Something good like that.
I like the ending.
The barfing was really good.
But there's one thing I didn't understand.
Did Lardass have to pay
to get into the contest?
Clip duration: 286 seconds
Views: 991
Timestamp in movie: 00h 00m 00s
Uploaded: 12 December, 2020
Genres: adventure, drama
Summary: After the death of one of his friends, a writer recounts a childhood journey with his friends to find the body of a missing boy.
Comments
Actors
00:07 You four eyed pile of shit
00:23 Two for flinching
02:29 Now he said
00:32 What are you
00:36 You're gonna be a great writer someday
00:09 I brought the comb
01:12 Go get the food
00:17 I guess a more experienced shopper could have gotten more...
00:39 Me and Billy found him first
00:46 That tupper babe saw me
00:40 Why can't you have friends like Denny's
00:45 I was 12 going on 13 the first time I saw a dead human being
00:31 That was the all time train dodge
00:15 You let him beat you
01:37 My brother gave me that
00:42 I'm sorry if I'm spoiling everybody's good...
00:14 Did your mother have any kids that lived
02:00 When they gonna give up
00:48 But I didn't
00:55 What's with you and this Connie Palermo chick