My Dear Americans, The film you are about to see is a biopic of my life. The events take...

Oliver Tate: My Dear Americans, The film you are about to see is a biopic of my life. The events take place, not so long ago, in a proud land called Wales. Wales is next to England, a country you pretend to treat as an equal. My homeland has produced Catherine Zeta-Jones, Tom Jones and some other people. You have not yet invaded my country and for this I thank you. Submarine is an important film. Watch it with respect. Fond regards from your protagonist, Oliver Tate.

So? K-nock, k-nock, can I come in? This was the happiest I'd seen my father for years. Not too long ago, I discovered an empty bottle of anti-depressants, during another routine search of my parents' bedroom. My research indicates it all started when he was sacked from his job presenting on the Open University. My father is a marine biologist, and introduced a segment called Mysteries Of The Deep. But he was an uneasy screen presence and never knew quite what to do with his hands. After his dismissal, he spent several days in bed, drinking hot lemon from the same mug and never washing it, a key sign of one of his downturns. Now he works at the local university, doing a job he finds difficult to explain to anyone without a degree-level knowledge of fish. Listen, I hope you don't mind. But your mother informs me that you have a girlfriend. Is there anything I can help you with there? I'm not sure yet. I'll let you know. OK. All right. Yes. Er... listen... I know you think I'm very boring, you know. But once... I ripped my vest off in front of a woman and er... it was very effective, actually. I know. It produced a very atavistic response. That's just something to bear in mind. And listen, I made you a cassette recording. It's a compilation of songs I used to listen to during some of my early formative relationships.