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If he were a newspaper
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Suicide for Beginners

If he were a newspaper, his permanent headlinewould be "Fail." There are two prettyfucking...

If he were a newspaper, his permanent headline
would be "Fail." There are two pretty
fucking dead people up in that hallway right now

Full Transcript

00:00:01.000 --> 00:00:02.333
If he were a newspaper,
00:00:02.402 --> 00:00:05.037
his permanent headline would be "Fail."
00:00:05.439 --> 00:00:07.676
There are two pretty fucking dead people
00:00:07.745 --> 00:00:08.807
up in that hallway right now.
Duration
9 seconds
Views
41
Timestamp in Movie
01:15:57
Uploaded
May 12, 2025
Genres
comedy, horror
Production
Inspire Productions,207 Pictures,Chaotic Panda Entertainment,Hank and Jed Movie Pictures

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Movie Summary

Writing the perfect suicide note isn't easy. Murdering a garage full of people is also pretty hard. But getting your victims to like you while you kill them, that's the really tricky part.
Probably you just found 'em dead and brought 'em in here. - Suicide for Beginners 00:04
Probably you just found 'em dead and brought 'em i...
I once knew a guy, died while performing CPR on an old lady. - Suicide for Beginners 00:06
I once knew a guy, died while performing CPR on an old lady.
Nah. You couldn't even beat up an old man. - Suicide for Beginners 00:05
Nah. You couldn't even beat up an old man.
Ah, this is cold. This is cold water. - Suicide for Beginners 00:05
Ah, this is cold. This is cold water.
If we could make that warm. I'm very cold now. - Suicide for Beginners 00:05
If we could make that warm. I'm very cold now.
That there's a GFCI outlet, and it'll trip the circuit - Suicide for Beginners 00:12
That there's a GFCI outlet, and it'll trip the cir...
Oh, fuck me running. - Suicide for Beginners 00:04
Oh, fuck me running.
Oh, worst 30th of a second ever. - Suicide for Beginners 00:06
Oh, worst 30th of a second ever.
Oh shit, you're gonna make me die. - Suicide for Beginners 00:04
Oh shit, you're gonna make me die.
That's not very nice. That's not very nice. - Suicide for Beginners 00:05
That's not very nice. That's not very nice.
What the fuck is wrong with you? - Suicide for Beginners 00:06
What the fuck is wrong with you?
So are you gonna sign the letter, - Suicide for Beginners 00:04
So are you gonna sign the letter,
Hey kids - Suicide for Beginners 00:08
Hey kids
Oh, come on, let's play a little game of duck, duck murder. - Suicide for Beginners 00:05
Oh, come on, let's play a little game of duck, duck mur...
You know you kinda have to appreciate the irony - Suicide for Beginners 00:09
You know you kinda have to appreciate the irony
I mean, maybe that's not irony, but it is something. - Suicide for Beginners 00:05
I mean, maybe that's not irony, but it is something.
We could ask your boyfriend, maybe he'd know. - Suicide for Beginners 00:04
We could ask your boyfriend, maybe he'd know.
It was, it was a GFCI outlet, eh, can't kill me like that. - Suicide for Beginners 00:06
It was, it was a GFCI outlet, eh, can't kill me like th...
How 'bout just rest for a sec? - Suicide for Beginners 00:05
How 'bout just rest for a sec?
There's a, you got a bicycle chain on the, - Suicide for Beginners 00:10
There's a, you got a bicycle chain on the,