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Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

She's halfway through her 20s, and she's over it. Too old to party, too young to settle down, comedian Taylor Tomlinson takes aim at her life choices.

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Marcus Raboy

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["Making Love to the Dead"
by Beginners plays] - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

["Making Love to the Dead" by Beginners plays]

There's so many people.
I did not need to single you out that way. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

There's so many people. I did not need to single you ou...

[scattered cheering] - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

[scattered cheering]

No introvert's ever gone "woo!"
at any decibel. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

No introvert's ever gone "woo!" at any decibe...

Real introverts are parked outside going, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Real introverts are parked outside going,

When I read that, I was relieved. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

When I read that, I was relieved.

Like, thank God. I don't want to get
murdered and meet somebody. [groans] - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Like, thank God. I don't want to get murdered and meet ...

Just dump me in the river.
Don't introduce yourself, Jeff. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Just dump me in the river. Don't introduce yourself, Je...

I am halfway through my 20s,
and I am done with this shit. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

I am halfway through my 20s, and I am done with this shit.

They're not fun.
They are ten years of asking yourself, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

They're not fun. They are ten years of asking yourself,

I had a woman come up to me after a show
furious. She's like, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

I had a woman come up to me after a show furious. She's...

I'm like, "Where are your kids buried?
Holy shit." - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

I'm like, "Where are your kids buried? Holy shit.&...

If you're sitting there going, "Taylor,
you should be grateful. I miss my 20s." - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

If you're sitting there going, "Taylor, you should...

But do you remember why
nobody expected anything from you? - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

But do you remember why nobody expected anything from you?

That's what everybody forgets
about your 20s. You were garbage. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

That's what everybody forgets about your 20s. You were ...

You have no intuition, no instincts.
You can't make decisions, only mistakes. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

You have no intuition, no instincts. You can't make dec...

You don't have a gut to listen to yet. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

You don't have a gut to listen to yet.

There's no mystic bad feeling
under your ribs going, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

There's no mystic bad feeling under your ribs going,

I'm like,
"What can I bring to the potluck, Nana?" - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

I'm like, "What can I bring to the potluck, Nana?&...

And if they say Starbucks on them,
I swear to God, Taylor... - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

And if they say Starbucks on them, I swear to God, Taylor...

You have to work on yourself in your 20s
'cause if you don't, then you'll turn 30, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

You have to work on yourself in your 20s 'cause if you ...

Your 20s are an opportunity to fish trash
out of the lake before it freezes over. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Your 20s are an opportunity to fish trash out of the lake be...

Daddy issues? All right.
Better get all that out of there - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Daddy issues? All right. Better get all that out of there

You have one in your mouth, you feel
pretty cool, but everyone is like, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

You have one in your mouth, you feel pretty cool, but everyo...

Don't do that around my kids." - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Don't do that around my kids."

I'm trying to be a better partner too.
I haven't always been a great partner. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

I'm trying to be a better partner too. I haven't a...

I was the girl you couldn't bring home
for holidays - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

I was the girl you couldn't bring home for holidays

Sorry, if you love me,
you wouldn't even do it up here. Like... - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Sorry, if you love me, you wouldn't even do it up here....

Have you read those?
They're all the same. Like, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Have you read those? They're all the same. Like,

Oh, did he call you 'babe'? [chuckles] - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Oh, did he call you 'babe'? [chuckles]

He never cheated on me,
but he did do this weird thing - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

He never cheated on me, but he did do this weird thing

He'd go out of his way to be like,
"Babe, I just want to let you know, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

He'd go out of his way to be like, "Babe, I just w...

Like, 'Where is she?' Like, what?" - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Like, 'Where is she?' Like, what?"

That's what I'm doing.
I'm being honest with you." - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

That's what I'm doing. I'm being honest with ...

You want me to know that you turned down
the option of other people today. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

You want me to know that you turned down the option of other...

You want points for not cheating on me." - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

You want points for not cheating on me."

You honored the most basic
term of our agreement?" - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

You honored the most basic term of our agreement?"

I never understood Taylor Swift songs
before, and now I do. Like... - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

I never understood Taylor Swift songs before, and now I do. ...

I thank you so much.
I know you have a lot of options..." - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

I thank you so much. I know you have a lot of options...&quo...

Thank you for choosing us.
Can we get you anything else?" - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Thank you for choosing us. Can we get you anything else?&quo...

I was so pissed. "Do you have
any idea how easy it would be for me - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

I was so pissed. "Do you have any idea how easy it woul...

I take this slice of Swiss cheese
for a walk around the block, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

I take this slice of Swiss cheese for a walk around the bloc...

"I don't even have to try that hard.
I've just got to raise my hand - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

"I don't even have to try that hard. I've jus...

The real reason he and I broke up
is the reason everybody breaks up. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

The real reason he and I broke up is the reason everybody br...

We were no longer having
the amount of sex you need to have - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

We were no longer having the amount of sex you need to have

We weren't there anymore,
and it got tough - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

We weren't there anymore, and it got tough

Not crazy high. Not like "I'mma
catch something at the bus station" high. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Not crazy high. Not like "I'mma catch something at...

But if I love you, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

But if I love you,

We're in that zone, you know? It's like, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

We're in that zone, you know? It's like,

That joke makes me sound so much cooler
than I am. I'm not that cool. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

That joke makes me sound so much cooler than I am. I'm ...

I don't like casual sex.
My friends are like, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

I don't like casual sex. My friends are like,

I had a friend try to convince me
with this argument: - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

I had a friend try to convince me with this argument:

Have you ever tried to make a dude's mom - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Have you ever tried to make a dude's mom

Haven't heard from him in eight years, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Haven't heard from him in eight years,

Now that I'm older,
it's so easy to be good at sex, isn't it? - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Now that I'm older, it's so easy to be good at sex...

All you have to do is approach it
with the enthusiasm of a child. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

All you have to do is approach it with the enthusiasm of a c...

Pretend you're four and your partner's
made of LEGOs. It's not... - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Pretend you're four and your partner's made of LEG...

I grew up very religious, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

I grew up very religious,

Yeah, being abstinent is when you wait
until marriage to have sex. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Yeah, being abstinent is when you wait until marriage to hav...

They used to tell us,
"The safest sex is no sex." - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

They used to tell us, "The safest sex is no sex."

When I have a daughter, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

When I have a daughter,

When I was younger and I was abstinent,
I was not having sex, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

When I was younger and I was abstinent, I was not having sex...

So while my friends were having sex,
I was the only one having orgasms. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

So while my friends were having sex, I was the only one hav...

My friends are like,
"Yeah, me and Chad have had sex, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

My friends are like, "Yeah, me and Chad have had sex,

Not physically. I wasn't stupid.
I wasn't like, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Not physically. I wasn't stupid. I wasn't like,

I was waiting until marriage,
or until Jesus came back, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

I was waiting until marriage, or until Jesus came back,

And then, finally, I tried to lose it
to my boyfriend in college who said, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

And then, finally, I tried to lose it to my boyfriend in col...

Nobody told me to expect sexual rejection
as a woman. Nobody prepares you. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Nobody told me to expect sexual rejection as a woman. Nobody...

From the time you start walking
as a little girl, they're like, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

From the time you start walking as a little girl, they'...

Men take sexual rejection much easier
'cause they're prepared for it. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Men take sexual rejection much easier 'cause they'...

You're going to need to get consent,
which is a noise she makes, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

You're going to need to get consent, which is a noise s...

But because men are prepared for it,
they bounce back real quick. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

But because men are prepared for it, they bounce back real q...

They walk around like vacuum salesmen.
Just like, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

They walk around like vacuum salesmen. Just like,

My boyfriend was nervous
to have sex with a virgin, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

My boyfriend was nervous to have sex with a virgin,

I was literally told by somebody - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

I was literally told by somebody

But you know what they say:
women go for men like their fathers, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

But you know what they say: women go for men like their fath...

No reason to be offended. That joke's
about what a great dad my dad is. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

No reason to be offended. That joke's about what a grea...

I lost my virginity late. I lost it
when I was financially independent. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

I lost my virginity late. I lost it when I was financially i...

Yeah. I went through my bank statements.
"I could afford to have a dick in me." - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Yeah. I went through my bank statements. "I could affor...

All my other friends lost it
under a Backstreet Boys poster - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

All my other friends lost it under a Backstreet Boys poster

But I'm glad I was raised that way - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

But I'm glad I was raised that way

Okay? So when I was younger
and I was waiting, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Okay? So when I was younger and I was waiting,

You're just like, "What?
Take your pants off.Get over here." - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

You're just like, "What? Take your pants off.Get o...

I pretend I'm not ready to have sex
with someone new yet, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

I pretend I'm not ready to have sex with someone new ye...

I go, "Ooh, I'm not ready. Is that okay?" - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

I go, "Ooh, I'm not ready. Is that okay?"

I knew you could, my boy!
Now, come inside my chocolate factory. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

I knew you could, my boy! Now, come inside my chocolate fact...

Here's how not casual I am.
I actually got engaged this year. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Here's how not casual I am. I actually got engaged this...

But man, I learned a lot about myself
in the process of getting engaged. - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

But man, I learned a lot about myself in the process of gett...

First off, I didn't know
what a basic bitch I was, - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

First off, I didn't know what a basic bitch I was,

"bloop!" - Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis

Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis poster

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

She's halfway through her 20s, and she's over it. Too old to party, too young to settle down, comedian Taylor Tomlinson takes aim at her life choices.

User Rating: 0.0 (0 ratings)

Director: Marcus Raboy

Writer: Taylor Tomlinson

Production: N/A

Genre: comedy

Year: 2020

MetaScore: N/A/100

ImdbRating: 7.4

BoxOffice: N/A

Released: 03 Mar 2020

Awards: N/A

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