Ted quotes

Ted poster
John makes a Christmas miracle happen by bringing his one and only friend to life, his teddy bear. The two grow up together and John must then choose to stay with his girlfriend or keep his friendship with his crude and extremely inappropriate teddy bear, Ted.

Director: Seth MacFarlane
Writer: Seth MacFarlane (screenplay by), Alec Sulkin (screenplay by), Wellesley Wild (screenplay by), Seth MacFarlane (story by)
Production: Fuzzy Door Productions, Smart Entertainment, Bluegrass Films
Genre: comedy
Year: 2012
MetaScore: 62/100
ImdbRating: 6.9
BoxOffice: $218,815,487
Released: 29 Jun 2012
Awards: Nominated for 1 Oscar. Another 13 wins & 27 nominations.


68 Clips & Quotes

Except an Apache helicopter - Ted 01:00 Except an Apache helicopter Thunder buddies for life - Ted 01:15 Thunder buddies for life You're 35 years old and you're still scared of a little thunder - Ted 01:15 You're 35 years old and you're still scared of a little... I hear the fat kid running - Ted 00:17 I hear the fat kid running Stick your finger in the loop of my tag - Ted 01:02 Stick your finger in the loop of my tag We have been dating for four years tomorrow - Ted 00:32 We have been dating for four years tomorrow Nobody gives a shit - Ted 00:34 Nobody gives a shit This guy took my teddy bear - Ted 00:13 This guy took my teddy bear What's the special on Tuesdays - Ted 01:33 What's the special on Tuesdays You think you got what it takes - Ted 00:45 You think you got what it takes I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that - Ted 00:56 I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that You're home early - Ted 02:33 You're home early Ted and Tami Lynn continued their torrid love affair for quite some time - Ted 03:24 Ted and Tami Lynn continued their torrid love affair for... Your magical wish worked - Ted 01:09 Your magical wish worked I just had a great idea - Ted 00:31 I just had a great idea We'll do it your way - Ted 01:26 We'll do it your way Woody Harrelson - Ted 00:18 Woody Harrelson I was sending a Tweet - Ted 00:11 I was sending a Tweet Company's turning 20 - Ted 00:20 Company's turning 20 We are gonna party like the '80s - Ted 00:34 We are gonna party like the '80s Play 'Chopsticks' - Ted 01:53 Play 'Chopsticks' There's a shit on the floor - Ted 00:19 There's a shit on the floor I don't know that you wanna go to a drug dealer with complaints - Ted 00:34 I don't know that you wanna go to a drug dealer with... To John Bennett - Ted 02:30 To John Bennett I belong to John Bennett - Ted 00:33 I belong to John Bennett What do you mean - Ted 03:25 What do you mean I'm always fascinated to meet Ted's girlfriends - Ted 03:25 I'm always fascinated to meet Ted's girlfriends Is that my ringtone - Ted 00:28 Is that my ringtone You can't have my Teddy bear - Ted 00:23 You can't have my Teddy bear Teddy Rux fuckin' pin - Ted 00:28 Teddy Rux fuckin' pin A hooker took a shit in our apartment - Ted 00:59 A hooker took a shit in our apartment I thought  you  were gonna be funnier - Ted 00:22 I thought you were gonna be funnier Stand up straight when you're talking to me - Ted 00:32 Stand up straight when you're talking to me Loves you very much - Ted 02:23 Loves you very much My longest relationship was - Ted 00:36 My longest relationship was You can sing any 90's song with just vowels - Ted 00:16 You can sing any 90's song with just vowels Why are you crying - Ted 00:17 Why are you crying Look what Jesus did - Ted 00:15 Look what Jesus did I've got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow - Ted 00:21 I've got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow That's me and Tom Skerritt - Ted 03:26 That's me and Tom Skerritt This is Wade Boggs' autographed bat - Ted 03:26 This is Wade Boggs' autographed bat What's going on - Ted 03:30 What's going on You gotta get over here - Ted 03:30 You gotta get over here You guys seem pretty cool - Ted 00:41 You guys seem pretty cool Thank you very much - Ted 00:56 Thank you very much Welcome back Ted - Ted 00:21 Welcome back Ted When I was a little boy - Ted 01:25 When I was a little boy Okay here's a test to see how much you actually care about me - Ted 00:52 Okay here's a test to see how much you actually care about... I look like Snuggles' accountant - Ted 00:14 I look like Snuggles' accountant Lori was right about you - Ted 02:14 Lori was right about you We are gonna party like the 80s - Ted 00:23 We are gonna party like the 80s I've got a lot of pictures of you guys at my house - Ted 00:23 I've got a lot of pictures of you guys at my house Let's just find a better place to get stoned - Ted 00:16 Let's just find a better place to get stoned What are you doing here - Ted 00:29 What are you doing here Not looking up your towel - Ted 00:29 Not looking up your towel You got to let me help you make things right with you and Lori - Ted 01:36 You got to let me help you make things right with you and... Me and Ted are going to be best friends - Ted 00:52 Me and Ted are going to be best friends I've been following you ever since I was a young boy and - Ted 01:47 I've been following you ever since I was a young boy and All I'm saying is that Boston women are - Ted 01:27 All I'm saying is that Boston women are That's bullshit - Ted 01:27 That's bullshit I'm acting like a cock - Ted 00:54 I'm acting like a cock Thank Christ you made it - Ted 00:47 Thank Christ you made it I hate that word - Ted 00:10 I hate that word Son of a bitch - Ted 00:23 Son of a bitch It wasn't my fault - Ted 02:14 It wasn't my fault I look like the robot from Aliens - Ted 00:14 I look like the robot from Aliens Let's see how well you know these streets - Ted 00:15 Let's see how well you know these streets You are acting like a cock - Ted 00:12 You are acting like a cock

Cast

John Bennett - Mark Wahlberg
Lori Collins - Mila Kunis
Thomas - Matt Walsh
Tami-Lynn - Jessica Barth
Robert - Aedin Mincks
Narrator - Patrick Stewart
Norah Jones - Norah Jones
Sam Jones - Sam J. Jones
Tom Skerritt - Tom Skerritt
Young John - Bretton Manley
John's Dad - Ralph Garman
John's Mom - Alex Borstein
Asian Man 'Ming' - Robert Wu
Michelle - Melissa Ordway
Greenbaum Kid - Max Harris
Kid #1 - Zane Cowans
Kid #2 - T.J. Hourigan
Kid #3 - Owen Clarke
Heavenly - Kristina Ellery
Cherene - Katelyn Lorren
Angelique - Chanty Sok
Sauvignon Blanc - Sarah Fischer
Waitress - Cassie Djerf
Guy at Table #1 - Joe Siriani
Guy at Table #2 - Pat Shea
Guy in Line - Paul Campbell
Guy #2 - Chris Cox
Partygoer (Ted's Buddy) - Henry Penzi
Girl at Party - Tania Cabrera
Teenage John - Colton Shires
Plymouth PR Worker - Viera Andrea Moya
Club Girl - Haejee Kim
Crazy Guy - Shawn Thornton
Stagehand - Eric Weinstein
Waiter - Danny Smith
Newscaster - Mike Nikitas
Female Newscaster - Robin Hamilton
Southern Newscaster - Mike Henry
Wedding Guest - David Afflick
Rock Star Party Guest - Kilo Alexander
Party Chick - Jenny Allford
Norah Jones Concert Audience - Christian Alvarado
Concert Attendee - Emmalyn Anderson
Tourist - Dale F. Appel
Concertgoer - Lilith Astaroth
Pedestrian - Jacqueline Astbury
Club goer - Jamie Lea Babineau
Patron Ballgame - Keenan Bassma
Girl Feeding Waterfowl - Alecia Batson
Party Guest - Michael Battle
Business Executive - Marshall Berenson
Liberty Mechanic - Ronald Boone
Pretty Party Girl - Nicole Boucher
Karaoke Lounge Patron - Paul Bronk
Pedestrian - Jeff T. Buco
Hot Girl - Alex Bussell
Flower Girl - Madison Dae Clarion
Photographer - Jeffrey Corazzini
Dance Scene - Stevie Costa
Club Patron - Alexandra Creteau
Ted Danson - Ted Danson
Restaurant Patron - Richard DeAgazio
Karaoke Girl - Devon Diep
Party Goer - Eric Dittelman
Extra - Aaron Dorsey
Wedding guest - Ellyana
Fraternity Girl - Jackie B. Fabian
Doorman - Keith Fluker
Wedding Guest - Jimmy Flynn
PR Firm Employee - Shawn Fogarty
Man at Concert - Evan Fonseca
Tourist - John Franchi
Boy at Aquarium - Alexander 'Alex' Garde
Concert Attendee - Sophia Gilberto
Party Guest - Enku Gubaie
Man At Concert - Josh Gunderson
Car Rental Patron - London Hall
Concert Goer - Rachael Hobson
Donny's Dad - Danny Hoch
Pedestrian at Irish Pub - Rosemary Howard
Concert Attendee - Ashley Hughes
Nightclub Manager - Mike Jablon
Party Guest - Olivia Jordan
Concert Attendee - Lynn Julian
Restaurant Patron - Colleen Kelly
SpongeBob SquarePants - Tom Kenny
Concert Attendee - Tom Kenny
Store Shopper - Ren Knopf
Party Goer - Mark Kubr
PR Employee - Kathy LaShay Berenson
Ted's Party Guest - Joshua Lassman
Bar Patron - Henry Laun
Concert Attendee - Rob Lavin
Concert Attendee - Jordan Lazieh
Concert Attendee - Kamron Leal
OnStage Security - Christopher J. Long
Irishman Arguing Outside Pub - Daniel Lowney
Concert Attendee - Paul Lussier
Business Woman - Phyllis Lynn
Mini Golf Player - Gwen MacKay
Wedding Guest - Jeffrey Malick
Wedding Guest - Tom Mariano
On Stage Security - Boston Hatch Shell - Rob Marin
Party Goer - Katie McCabe
Self - Ed McMahon
Party Guest - Wayne R. Miller
Star Wars Movie Attendee - Tony Moreira
Wedding Guest - Sara Murphy
City Girl - Bethany Murray
Party Goer - Ken Murray
Club Girl - Roxanne Nichols
Club Patron - Leigh Nicole
Party Guest - Allan Oliveira
Concert Goer - Miriam Olken
Japanese Newscaster - Ted Oyama
Man in the Common - Richard Pacheco
Wedding Guest - Chris Palermo
Concert Patron - Joseph Paolo
Airport Patron - Joshua Paule
Concert Guest - Steve Perry
Party Guest - Laura Pizzuti
Roadie - David Pulson
Karaoke Singer #2 - Stacey Queripel
Wedding Patron - Donna Glee Reim
Concert Attendee - Brittney Renee
Party Guest - Jessica Rockwood
Self - Ray Romano
Party Goer - Kayla Ruhl
Concert Attendee - Megan Sacco
Girl at the Bar - Nicole Signore
Party Goer - Corey Spencer
Nightclub Patron - Matthew Spinale
Hotel Pianist - Curtis Stigers
Club Dancer 2 - Stream
Bellybutton - Tara Strong
Homeless Man - David Struffolino
Dad at Christmas - John Talalas
Clubber - Ben Tanguay
Party Guest - Trishna
Cute Girl Groped by Ted - Ally Tully
Grocery Walker - Kevin Vila
Party Guest - Ainsley Washek
Concert Attendee - Mike Wendt
Office Worker Party Guest - Darryl Wooten
Rock Concert Attendee - Luke Young