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Cal: Oh, man, I had a weekend. Andy Stitzer: Yeah? Cal: We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know? And we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to a show. Everybody says you gotta check out one of these
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Oh, man, I had a weekend. Yeah? We went to Tijuana, Mexico,...

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Cal:
Oh, man, I had a weekend.
Andy Stitzer:
Yeah?
Cal:
We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know? And we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to a show. Everybody says you gotta check out one of these shows. And... it's a woman fuckin' a horse. We get there and we think it's gonna be awesome and... it is not as cool as it sounds like it's gonna be. It's kinda gross.
Andy Stitzer:
Yeah.
Cal:
You think "A woman fuckin' a horse" and you get there and... it's a woman fucking a horse.
Andy Stitzer:
Yeah.
Cal:
It was really giving it to her. And you know what? To be honest I just felt bad for her, we all just felt bad for her.
Andy Stitzer:
Yeah.
Cal:
I kinda felt bad for the horse!
Andy Stitzer:
Wow, that's something.
Cal:
So what about you? What did you get up to?
Andy Stitzer:
You know, I just kinda hung out. I was...
[pause]

Andy Stitzer:
Oh man, Friday, I really wanted an egg salad sandwich and I was just obsessing about it and I was like, 'Man, I'm gonna make one of those.' So Saturday, I went out and got, like, a dozen eggs and then I boiled them all and I just, I spent, I dunno, probably three hours, like three and a half hours making, you know, the mayonnaise, and the onions and paprika and, you know, the necessary accoutrement. And then, by the time I was done, I didn't really feel like like eating it.
Cal:
I can imagine.
Andy Stitzer:
And I didn't have any bread.
[pause]

Andy Stitzer:
So you know, it was pretty good. It was a good weekend.
Cal:
Sounds pretty awesome.
Andy Stitzer:
Yeah, it was fine.
Cal:
Sounds really fun.
[pause]

Cal:
Cool... Cool cool.
Cal:
[Andy turns away and Cal mimics blowing his own brains out with a finger pistol]

Transcript:
Oh, man.
I had a weekend.
Yeah?
We went to Tijuana, Mexico,
you know...
and we thought
it would be fun, you know,
to go to this show.
Everyone's, "You gotta
check out one of these shows. "
And, you know,
it's a woman fucking a horse.
We get there,
and, you know, we think
it's gonna be awesome...
and it is not as cool
as it sounds like
it would be, man.
It's kind of gross.
Yeah.
You think,
"A woman fucking a horse"...
and you get there
and it's...
a woman fucking a horse.
Yeah.
It was really
giving it to her.
And you know what...
to be honest, I felt
bad for her. We all
just felt bad for her.
Yeah.
Kind of felt bad
for the horse.
Wow, that's something.
So what did you get up to?
You know, I just kind
of hung out. I was...
God, Friday,
when I went home...
I really wanted
an egg-salad sandwich.
And I was just obsessing
about it and I was like:
"Man, I'm gonna
make one of those. "
So Saturday I went out
and I got, like,
a dozen eggs...
and I boiled them all
and then I just...
I spent, I don't know,
probably three hours...
like, three-and-a-half hours
making...
you know, the mayonnaise
and the onions and paprika...
and, you know,
all the accoutrement.
And then, by the time
I was done...
I just really didn't feel
like eating it.
I can imagine.
And I didn't have any bread.
So, you know,
it was pretty good.
It was a good weekend.
Sounds pretty awesome.
Yeah, it was fine.
Sounds really fun.
Cool.
Cool.
Cool, cool.
Hey, Paula.
Yeah.
I gotta tell you something.
I'm really excited about it.
For the first time today,
I woke up...
I came to the store,
and I feel confident
to say to you...
that if you don't take
this Michael McDonald DVD...
that you've been playing
for two years straight, off...
I'm going to kill everyone
in the store...
and put a bullet
in my brain.
David, what do you suggest
we play?
I don't care. Anything.
I would rather watch
Beautician and the Beast.
I would rather listen
to Fran Drescher
for eight hours...
than have to listen
to Michael McDonald.
Nothing against him,
but if I hear Yah Mo B There
one more time...
I'm gonna yah mo
burn this place
to the ground.
You're such a smart ass.
Get back on the floor.
[Garbled]
Fuck you.
[Clears throat]
This is a great TV.
Nothing beats a plasma.
What are you doing?
That's my customer.
It certainly is not.
When I came upon her,
she was unattended.
No, that's my...
Wait.
Go to the checkout there.
Pick up there, please.
She was unattended
because I went to the back...
to get the brochure
that she requested.
I apologize,
but it's too late.
The transaction
has been completed.
Then you're gonna give me
half the commission.
You'll receive
none of the commission.
I need to talk to Paula.
This is crazy.
This is bullshit.
Every time I make a sale,
you go crying to Paula.
How about Jesse Jackson?
Old Jesse needs a cause.
Sick of you poaching
my customers.
I'm sick of your
crybaby bullshit.
You wanna take this
shit outside? Just take it
outside and squash it?
Let's stay inside,
so everybody can see
what a pussy you have, okay?
Because when I remove
the blade I keep in my boot
from its sheath...
I can't return it
until it has spilled blood.
Look, listen to me.
You are fucking
with the wrong nigger.
Hey! You're fucking with
the wrong sun-nigger, okay?
Dude, I will hang your old ass
by your turban.
Turban now? Do you see
any fucking turban here?
Do I talk like a turban guy?
Do I say, "Hey, Jay,
do you want a Slurpee?
You want a Slurpee?"
Fuck you, okay?
I was born in Brooklyn.
Brooklyn, okay?
My accent is a fucking
Brooklyn accent, okay? Okay?
All right, man.
Calm down, dude.
Look, you still covering
my shift on Friday or what?
If I can keep this commission,
with pleasure.
Cool, then. All right, pop.
No problem.

Clip duration: 224 seconds
Views: 62
Timestamp in movie: 00:03:50
Uploaded: 16 September, 2021
Genres: comedy, romance
Summary: Goaded by his buddies, a nerdy guy who's never "done the deed" only finds the pressure mounting when he meets a single mother.


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