Andy Stitzer: You guys, she's picking me up in an hour. David: Oh, drag, dude. Cal: She's picking you up from here? Andy Stitzer: Yeah. Cal: That's fucked up, man. Andy Stitzer: Why? Cal: Why?
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You guys, she's picking me up in an hour. Oh, drag, dude....

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Andy Stitzer:
You guys, she's picking me up in an hour.
David:
Oh, drag, dude.
Cal:
She's picking you up from here?
Andy Stitzer:
Yeah.
Cal:
That's fucked up, man.
Andy Stitzer:
Why?
Cal:
Why? Seriously. I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? Look. He's got a billion toys.
Andy Stitzer:
So what?
Cal:
And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid.
Andy Stitzer:
Okay.
Cal:
[Pointing to an action figure on a shelf]
Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?
Andy Stitzer:
That's Oscar Goldman.
Cal:
Why do you have that?
Andy Stitzer:
That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.
Cal:
Well, that may be the case. But none of this shit is sexy, okay?
Andy Stitzer:
I'm not trying to be sexy, man.
Cal:
[Pointing to a framed poster]
I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in?
Andy Stitzer:
They did not laugh at me.
David:
Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.
Andy Stitzer:
You guys cool it with the gay. You know, she's on her way over here, okay?
Cal:
First, you relax, okay?
Andy Stitzer:
Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.
Cal:
Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing and we move it out of here so it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.
[Trish shows up at Andy's door and the entire apartment looks abandoned]

Transcript:
No! Kelly Clarkson!
[Screaming]
[Andy screaming]
Ya'll done or ya'll...
That's fucked up.
(Andy)
Oh, shit falls!
That's fucked up.
I hate you.
Stop smiling, you jerk!
You pussy.
Oh, God. What's next?
You're doing the nipple.
(Cal)
Not the nipple.
Come on.
Not the nipple.
Please, Cal,
hold my hand.
You kidding me, man?
Hold my goddamn hand, man.
Do it! Just hold.
Okay, here we go.
[Exhaling]
(woman)
Ready?
No. Yup.
One, two, three.
[Screaming]
Nipple fuck!
Mika, you should
burn in hell!
Okay, all right.
No, seriously,
I think I'm done.
I think we're done.
I think that's good.
[Panting]
You know what, guys...
this is not
a good look for me!
You look like
a man-o'- lantern.
Thank you very much.
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
[Screaming]
(Cal)
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Andy,
I owe you an apology, man.
I wasn't very nice
to you for the past
two-and-a-half years.
You were nice to me.
No, I was... I thought
you were really boring and...
I kind of thought
you were a serial killer.
[Laughs]
I'm not joking.
Hey!
Sorry. Shoot. Sorry, sorry.
Don't worry. There's a lot of
padding in these.
I could hurl it
off the balcony,
it would be fine.
Yeah. It will be fine.
We couldn't break this...
if we tried.
No problem.
Look, you shouldn't listen
to Dave and Jay, okay?
Those guys are crazy.
You should listen to me, okay?
Look, there is a hot-ass girl
who works right there.
There she is,
in the bookstore.
You should ask her out, man.
Something wrong
with her underpants.
(Cal)
Yeah, they're not in my mouth.
You know, I kind of...
like the woman
from the eBay store.
That's great, but...
you're not gonna
get with anyone...
unless you play
the odds on this, man.
You need to plant
a lot of seeds.
It's like this.
When I was growing pot,
I realized...
that the more seeds
I planted...
Thank you.
...the more pot
I could ultimately smoke.
I think I have all the advice
that I can handle right now.
Don't get bitter.
I'm not bitter.
I almost lost a nipple, okay?
That was Jay's idea, okay?
And I wasn't going to
say anything,
but waxing your chest is...
like the gayest thing
you could possibly do, okay?
Look at me.
Looks are not important.
Really look at me.
I am ugly as fuck
by traditional standards...
but I get with women.
Aren't you curious
as to how that's possible?
I am not ugly as fuck.
I didn't say you were
ugly as...
Well, you implied it.
Okay.
It doesn't matter if
you're ugly as fuck
or you're ugly as shit.
It's about talking to women,
and I know how to do that...

Clip duration: 187 seconds
Views: 19
Uploaded: 28 January, 2021
Genres: comedy, romance
Summary: Goaded by his buddies, a nerdy guy who's never "done the deed" only finds the pressure mounting when he meets a single mother.


Actors

David - Paul Rudd