Well, well, well! The officers of the Caine in happy celebration! What are you, Barney,...

[Greenwald staggers into the Caine crew's party, inebriated] Lt. Barney Greenwald: Well, well, well! The officers of the Caine in happy celebration! Lt. Steve Maryk: What are you, Barney, kind of tight? Lt. Barney Greenwald: Sure. I got a guilty conscience. I defended you, Steve, because I found the wrong man was on trial. [pours himself a glass of wine] Lt. Barney Greenwald: So, I torpedoed Queeg for you. I *had* to torpedo him. And I feel sick about it. [drinks wine] Lt. Steve Maryk: Okay, Barney, take it easy. Lt. Barney Greenwald: You know something? When I was studying law, and Mr. Keefer here was writing his stories, and you, Willie, were tearing up the playing fields of dear old Princeton, who was standing guard over this fat, dumb, happy country of ours, eh? Not us. Oh, no, we knew you couldn't make any money in the service. So who did the dirty work for us? QUEEG did! And a lot of other guys - tough, sharp guys, who didn't crack up like Queeg. Ensign Willie Keith: But no matter what, Captain Queeg endangered the ship and the lives of the men. Lt. Barney Greenwald: He didn't endanger anybody's life; YOU did, *all* of you! You're a fine bunch of officers. Lt. JG H. Paynter Jr.: You said yourself he cracked. Lt. Barney Greenwald: I'm glad you brought that up, Mr. Paynter, because that's a very pretty point. You know, I left out one detail in the court martial. It wouldn't have helped our case any. [to Maryk] Lt. Barney Greenwald: Tell me, Steve, after the Yellowstain business, Queeg came to you guys for help and you turned him down, didn't you? Lt. Steve Maryk: [hesitant] Yes, we did. Lt. Barney Greenwald: [to Paynter] You didn't approve of his conduct as an officer - he wasn't WORTHY of your loyalty! So you turned on him. You ragged him - you made up songs about him. If you'd given Queeg the loyalty he needed, do you suppose the whole issue would have come up in the typhoon? [to Maryk] Lt. Barney Greenwald: You're an honest man, Steve, I'm asking you. You think it would've been necessary for you to take over? Lt. Steve Maryk: [hesitant] It probably wouldn't have been necessary. Lt. Barney Greenwald: [muttering slightly] There! Ensign Willie Keith: [horror-stricken] If that's true, then we *were* guilty. Lt. Barney Greenwald: Ah, you're learning, Willie! You're learning that you don't work with a captain because you like the way he parts his hair; you work with him because *he's GOT* the job, or you're no good! Well, the case is over. You're all safe. It was like shooting fish in a barrel. [long pause; strides toward Keefer] Lt. Barney Greenwald: And now we come to the man who *should* have stood trial. The Caine's favorite author. The Shakespeare whose testimony nearly sunk us all. Tell 'em, Keefer! Lieutenant Tom Keefer: [stiff and overcome with guilt] No, you go ahead. You're telling it better. Lt. Barney Greenwald: You ought to read his testimony. He never even heard of Captain Queeg! Lt. Steve Maryk: Let's forget it, Barney! Lt. Barney Greenwald: Queeg was sick; he couldn't help himself. But you, you're *real* healthy. Only you didn't have one tenth the guts that HE had! Lieutenant Tom Keefer: Except I never fooled myself, Mr. Greenwald. Lt. Barney Greenwald: I'm gonna drink a toast to you, Mr. Keefer. [pours wine in a glass] Lt. Barney Greenwald: From the beginning you hated the Navy. And then you thought up this whole idea. And you managed to keep your skirts nice, and starched, and clean, even in the court martial. Steve Maryk will always be remembered as a mutineer. But you, you'll publish your novel, you'll make a million bucks, you'll marry a big movie star, and for the rest of your life you'll live with your conscience, if you have any. Now here's to the *real* author of "The *Caine* Mutiny." Here's TO you, Mr. Keefer. [splashes wine in Keefer's face] Lt. Barney Greenwald: If you wanna do anything about it, I'll be outside. I'm a lot drunker than you are, so it'll be a fair fight.