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The Standups

Comedy's freshest voices take the stage in LA for six half-hour specials packed with sly jokes, hilarious anecdotes and awkward confessions.

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N/A

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Production

Adrina Produkties BV

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You might want to wear that Fitbit." - The Standups

You might want to wear that Fitbit."

[audience laughs] - The Standups

[audience laughs]

Before you have it, they're like,
"Here, watch eye surgery." - The Standups

Before you have it, they're like, "Here, watch eye...

Oh, my God, don't let them
fly out of your mouth hole. You know? - The Standups

Oh, my God, don't let them fly out of your mouth hole. ...

Ladies, if you get a man's phone number
and you call him - The Standups

Ladies, if you get a man's phone number and you call hi...

Yeah, thou shalt not judge, Jesus!" - The Standups

Yeah, thou shalt not judge, Jesus!"

And then I got to thinking and I said, - The Standups

And then I got to thinking and I said,

I got pretty fxcking honest back there." - The Standups

I got pretty fxcking honest back there."

"I'm going back to Jeff. Sorry Luigi." - The Standups

"I'm going back to Jeff. Sorry Luigi."

If I was doing it out of some guy's van,
I might ask that guy for a video, - The Standups

If I was doing it out of some guy's van, I might ask th...

Like, "I can't be at this birth
because of sports." - The Standups

Like, "I can't be at this birth because of sports....

Women, when you go on a date, - The Standups

Women, when you go on a date,

I was like, "Should I bring
someone to take me home?" - The Standups

I was like, "Should I bring someone to take me home?&qu...

I live in New York
where there are "Nor'easters" - The Standups

I live in New York where there are "Nor'easters&qu...

It is tempting,
because I don't have a landing strip, - The Standups

It is tempting, because I don't have a landing strip,

And there was always, like, - The Standups

And there was always, like,

I feel like the only thing more feminine
than giving birth - The Standups

I feel like the only thing more feminine than giving birth

Look at his keys
and you can tell a whole lot about that. - The Standups

Look at his keys and you can tell a whole lot about that.

It's not a big deal,
I'll tell someone where I'm at." - The Standups

It's not a big deal, I'll tell someone where I...

You want a man with about five keys
on his key ring. - The Standups

You want a man with about five keys on his key ring.

One hit New York last January,
and it shut the city down for three days. - The Standups

One hit New York last January, and it shut the city down for...

Ladies! Come on, I want you
to take a knee! Come on, ladies!" - The Standups

Ladies! Come on, I want you to take a knee! Come on, ladies!...

You don't want a motherfucker
with a janitor-roll-ass of fucking keys. - The Standups

You don't want a motherfucker with a janitor-roll-ass o...

Right now it's a fucking mess down there.
It's... - The Standups

Right now it's a fucking mess down there. It's...

You go back and you do it,
and when you get done, - The Standups

You go back and you do it, and when you get done,

So, when my sister
finally divorced him, - The Standups

So, when my sister finally divorced him,

Or, it's the most diabolical way
to break up with someone. - The Standups

Or, it's the most diabolical way to break up with someo...

Too many motherfuckers depend on him.
He won't have time for you. - The Standups

Too many motherfuckers depend on him. He won't have tim...

They're like, "You good?" - The Standups

They're like, "You good?"

The problem with waxing
is you have to grow it out in between - The Standups

The problem with waxing is you have to grow it out in betwee...

This nigga is too busy opening locks
and shit. You don't want him. - The Standups

This nigga is too busy opening locks and shit. You don'...

And... That's a weird period
to wait it out, you know? - The Standups

And... That's a weird period to wait it out, you know?

This has been a fun day to be honest." - The Standups

This has been a fun day to be honest."

It was like, "There's a cold gust
colliding with a warm front. - The Standups

It was like, "There's a cold gust colliding with a...

And whenever I'd have sex with my
boyfriend and he would try to... - The Standups

And whenever I'd have sex with my boyfriend and he woul...

If you go to a party - The Standups

If you go to a party

I'll snap this mfxcker's heart
before he's locked inside for three days." - The Standups

I'll snap this mfxcker's heart before he's lo...

And about three months
into my workout regime, - The Standups

And about three months into my workout regime,

I'd be like, "Don't look down!"
the whole time. - The Standups

I'd be like, "Don't look down!" the whol...

Then my eyes start hurting so bad
and I just want to keep them shut. - The Standups

Then my eyes start hurting so bad and I just want to keep th...

He was like, "Are we crossing a shaky rope
bridge? What's happening?" - The Standups

He was like, "Are we crossing a shaky rope bridge? What...

I did what any man would do.
I smoked a fistful of mediocre weed. - The Standups

I did what any man would do. I smoked a fistful of mediocre ...

And so I'm like, "I can't get home." - The Standups

And so I'm like, "I can't get home."

'No!'" - The Standups

[audience applauds] - The Standups

[audience applauds]

I heard that women know
that they're going to fuck you - The Standups

I heard that women know that they're going to fuck you

I have never been heartbroken,
stoned, alone, crying, - The Standups

I have never been heartbroken, stoned, alone, crying,

This is the thing. It's hard for me
being single. I don't masturbate. - The Standups

This is the thing. It's hard for me being single. I don...

But there were some girls at our school
that liked to go out and party, - The Standups

But there were some girls at our school that liked to go out...

You're mine." - The Standups

And no one ever believes when I say that.
I know you guys are like, "Bullshit!" - The Standups

And no one ever believes when I say that. I know you guys ar...

[a few cheers] - The Standups

I do... I hate to pin it on men, - The Standups

I do... I hate to pin it on men,

Just walking around the house like,
"Did she love you or not?" - The Standups

Just walking around the house like, "Did she love you o...

So, I'll tell you that,
so I'm not hiding anything up here. - The Standups

So, I'll tell you that, so I'm not hiding anything...

I don't know." - The Standups

They walk into a bar and are like,
"It is fucking girls' night!" - The Standups

They walk into a bar and are like, "It is fucking girls...

And I ran into an old friend
I hadn't seen in a while - The Standups

And I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in a while

They're like, "Do you feel
like God is watching?" - The Standups

They're like, "Do you feel like God is watching?&q...

We do, but let me know
if we are fucking or not, you know?" - The Standups

We do, but let me know if we are fucking or not, you know?&q...

Because I was afraid I would
drift out into the street - The Standups

Because I was afraid I would drift out into the street

I learned no one can tell you're crying
when you're shoveling snow. - The Standups

I learned no one can tell you're crying when you'r...

And then what he came up with was,
"Man, your tits got small." - The Standups

And then what he came up with was, "Man, your tits got ...

"Fucking girls' night!" - The Standups

"Fucking girls' night!"

They're like, "No, we have got
to do this, and do that, and this." - The Standups

They're like, "No, we have got to do this, and do ...

And so I'm just stood with my hand
like this, for like 30 minutes. - The Standups

And so I'm just stood with my hand like this, for like ...

But no, I can't do it, so I really rely
on outsourcing it and getting fingered. - The Standups

But no, I can't do it, so I really rely on outsourcing ...

[cries] - The Standups

I mean, we're up to the point where,
if anybody confidently just walked up, - The Standups

I mean, we're up to the point where, if anybody confide...

If she's not getting laid,
her friends are not getting laid. - The Standups

If she's not getting laid, her friends are not getting ...

I love fingering. It's my favorite sexual
act. It's like, you can do it anywhere. - The Standups

I love fingering. It's my favorite sexual act. It'...

She's basically the bouncer
for her friends' vaginas. - The Standups

She's basically the bouncer for her friends' vagin...

[laughter] - The Standups

You see weight loss ads - The Standups

You see weight loss ads

All my neighbors are like, "This guy
really wants that sidewalk clear." - The Standups

All my neighbors are like, "This guy really wants that ...

And just so you know, you don't choose
to be the responsible one, it chooses you. - The Standups

And just so you know, you don't choose to be the respon...

You never see one
where a woman has a big bra - The Standups

You never see one where a woman has a big bra

It's hard, though,
because not every guy is great at it. - The Standups

It's hard, though, because not every guy is great at it...

I fly a bunch
and it never gets easy when you fly. - The Standups

I fly a bunch and it never gets easy when you fly.

"I'm never gonna talk to her again." - The Standups

"I'm never gonna talk to her again."

I feel like guys don't really
get good at it until, like... - The Standups

I feel like guys don't really get good at it until, lik...

So I would just walk into a club - The Standups

So I would just walk into a club

You just think, like, every plane
you're on is going to go down. - The Standups

You just think, like, every plane you're on is going to...

[mimics a thump] - The Standups

[mimics a thump]

And then his friend chimed in to help - The Standups

And then his friend chimed in to help

[audience laughs] - The Standups

[audience laughs]

It's not... I know, dark, you know.
You just... It's never relaxing. - The Standups

It's not... I know, dark, you know. You just... It'...

I don't trust any man
whose shorts are above his knee. - The Standups

I don't trust any man whose shorts are above his knee.

And then I broke up with her
because she is a terrible person and... - The Standups

And then I broke up with her because she is a terrible perso...

This seems like it would work.
This seems like the right thing to do. - The Standups

This seems like it would work. This seems like the right thi...

The Standups poster

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

Comedy's freshest voices take the stage in LA for six half-hour specials packed with sly jokes, hilarious anecdotes and awkward confessions.

User Rating: 0.0 (0 ratings)

Director: N/A

Writer: N/A

Production: Adrina Produkties BV

Genre: comedy

Year: 2017

MetaScore: N/A/100

ImdbRating: 6.6

BoxOffice:

Released: 04 Jul 2017

Awards: N/A

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