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Theo Von: No Offense

Known for always saying the unexpected and telling it like it is, even at the expense of offending, Louisiana comedian Theo Von returns home to film his first stand-up comedy special for Netflix at the Civic Theater in New Orleans.

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And then be shocked when he gets
picked by the kiddy-touchers! - Theo Von: No Offense

And then be shocked when he gets picked by the kiddy-toucher...

You know who ain't getting picked,
is little Ch-Ch-Charlie's ass, okay? - Theo Von: No Offense

You know who ain't getting picked, is little Ch-Ch-Char...

Who still got his lisp,
who got his acne, - Theo Von: No Offense

Who still got his lisp, who got his acne,

Nobody touchin'
little Ch-Ch-Charlie's ass. - Theo Von: No Offense

Nobody touchin' little Ch-Ch-Charlie's ass.

Save your money, give it to your boy
in a lump sum when he's 18. - Theo Von: No Offense

Save your money, give it to your boy in a lump sum when he&#...

Let himself G'd out
when he's out of the danger zone. - Theo Von: No Offense

Let himself G'd out when he's out of the danger zo...

Good to be home, man, I was born
about eight blocks from here, bro. - Theo Von: No Offense

Good to be home, man, I was born about eight blocks from her...

So it's nice, man.
I had an interesting family growing up. - Theo Von: No Offense

So it's nice, man. I had an interesting family growing ...

It was kinda cool growin' up
with a dad in his 70's, - Theo Von: No Offense

It was kinda cool growin' up with a dad in his 70'...

We used to play games like catch or don't. - Theo Von: No Offense

We used to play games like catch or don't.

And my favorite: "Is Dad sleeping,
or is he no longer with us?" - Theo Von: No Offense

And my favorite: "Is Dad sleeping, or is he no longer w...

And the kids at school would be like,
"Well, my dad could beat up your dad." - Theo Von: No Offense

And the kids at school would be like, "Well, my dad cou...

But my dad used to bang your grandmother. - Theo Von: No Offense

But my dad used to bang your grandmother.

Back before they had protection,
when all you wore was hope. - Theo Von: No Offense

Back before they had protection, when all you wore was hope.

"You got any condoms?"
"No, but I got this here." - Theo Von: No Offense

"You got any condoms?" "No, but I got this he...

And my friends are like, "Theo, you
shouldn't make fun of your conception. - Theo Von: No Offense

And my friends are like, "Theo, you shouldn't make...

You should be happy you were born.
You were that lucky sperm." - Theo Von: No Offense

You should be happy you were born. You were that lucky sperm...

I shot out of a 70-year-old cannon, bro." - Theo Von: No Offense

I shot out of a 70-year-old cannon, bro."

I had to shut down the nuts.
I had to close all the windows, - Theo Von: No Offense

I had to shut down the nuts. I had to close all the windows,

On the way out,
I passed a skeleton of a sperm - Theo Von: No Offense

On the way out, I passed a skeleton of a sperm

That's not an orgasm.
That's musket fire. - Theo Von: No Offense

That's not an orgasm. That's musket fire.

So when I say I'm happy
to be somewhere, I'm just happy to be. - Theo Von: No Offense

So when I say I'm happy to be somewhere, I'm just ...

Except at Denny's. They a bunch
of child molesters over there. - Theo Von: No Offense

Except at Denny's. They a bunch of child molesters over...

I wish people would quit
shootin' up movie theaters - Theo Von: No Offense

I wish people would quit shootin' up movie theaters

'Cause if you get gunned up
at a Denny's, - Theo Von: No Offense

'Cause if you get gunned up at a Denny's,

Have some respect and take your family
to IHOP like a real man. - Theo Von: No Offense

Have some respect and take your family to IHOP like a real m...

Denny's suck. Everything at Denny's
tastes like eggs and onions. - Theo Von: No Offense

Denny's suck. Everything at Denny's tastes like eg...

The air, the pie, - Theo Von: No Offense

The air, the pie,

What do they clean the tables with?
Syrup? - Theo Von: No Offense

What do they clean the tables with? Syrup?

Like once you sit down,
you can't even get up. - Theo Von: No Offense

Like once you sit down, you can't even get up.

"Guess we're staying for lunch.
I'm trapped!" - Theo Von: No Offense

"Guess we're staying for lunch. I'm trapped!&...

Or they just have like a special mirror,
and if you look like shit... - Theo Von: No Offense

Or they just have like a special mirror, and if you look lik...

But you gotta wear a hat, - Theo Von: No Offense

But you gotta wear a hat,

"Put on your hat, shitty. Waffle up." - Theo Von: No Offense

"Put on your hat, shitty. Waffle up."

Shave your ladies before
you put them on the dance floor. - Theo Von: No Offense

Shave your ladies before you put them on the dance floor.

"Meow! Meow!
Meow-come to Denny's! - Theo Von: No Offense

"Meow! Meow! Meow-come to Denny's!

[cat sounds] - Theo Von: No Offense

I just gave birth to a bunch of babies
in a cardboard box in the kitchen. - Theo Von: No Offense

I just gave birth to a bunch of babies in a cardboard box in...

And we's all out of milk." - Theo Von: No Offense

And we's all out of milk."

This me every time I leave Denny's.
"Man, fuck this place, man." - Theo Von: No Offense

This me every time I leave Denny's. "Man, fuck thi...

In case there's a drive-by,
I go down with this shithole. - Theo Von: No Offense

In case there's a drive-by, I go down with this shithol...

Thank you." - Theo Von: No Offense

Oh, I don't know why
it just makes me so mad. - Theo Von: No Offense

Oh, I don't know why it just makes me so mad.

I gotta quit going, man.
I'm gonna quit. - Theo Von: No Offense

I gotta quit going, man. I'm gonna quit.

I used to go a lot 'cause
my ex-girlfriend lived by a Denny's, - Theo Von: No Offense

I used to go a lot 'cause my ex-girlfriend lived by a D...

And so, I used to go there
and use the shitters, - Theo Von: No Offense

And so, I used to go there and use the shitters,

I'll shit outside, son,
like one of God's boys. Turn up. - Theo Von: No Offense

I'll shit outside, son, like one of God's boys. Tu...

No offense, hos.
Just trying to meet a good lady. - Theo Von: No Offense

No offense, hos. Just trying to meet a good lady.

It's tough, you gotta have money
these days to get a woman. - Theo Von: No Offense

It's tough, you gotta have money these days to get a wo...

You get done banging,
you're just laying there all poor. - Theo Von: No Offense

You get done banging, you're just laying there all poor...

"Can I get you a towel that won't match
any of the other towels? - Theo Von: No Offense

"Can I get you a towel that won't match any of the...

Some chips, baby. Wanna calorie up
after that bang, wildcat?" - Theo Von: No Offense

Some chips, baby. Wanna calorie up after that bang, wildcat?...

I don't have nice shit.
I got the other shit. - Theo Von: No Offense

I don't have nice shit. I got the other shit.

This is how I cheat, I put all my
nicest stuff right by the door, right? - Theo Von: No Offense

This is how I cheat, I put all my nicest stuff right by the ...

"Yeah, just step over that new toaster! - Theo Von: No Offense

"Yeah, just step over that new toaster!

Just set your purse
by that Sopranos box set. - Theo Von: No Offense

Just set your purse by that Sopranos box set.

Haters welcome." - Theo Von: No Offense

Haters welcome."

I have that car where you act like you
don't remember where you parked, - Theo Von: No Offense

I have that car where you act like you don't remember w...

And when nobody's looking,
you fuckin' get in and you escape. - Theo Von: No Offense

And when nobody's looking, you fuckin' get in and ...

They're like, "They're renting
'97 Accords to people?" - Theo Von: No Offense

They're like, "They're renting '97 Accor...

Yeah, every time I floor it,
a blind boy can see four seconds. - Theo Von: No Offense

Yeah, every time I floor it, a blind boy can see four second...

So, I get a lot of speeding tickets,
you know, for his little dark ass." - Theo Von: No Offense

So, I get a lot of speeding tickets, you know, for his littl...

My friend Maurice is blind,
and he said it ain't that bad in there. - Theo Von: No Offense

My friend Maurice is blind, and he said it ain't that b...

If you don't have money, you gotta have
the other money: drugs. - Theo Von: No Offense

If you don't have money, you gotta have the other money...

They don't answer your calls,
your texts, - Theo Von: No Offense

They don't answer your calls, your texts,

Blow!" - Theo Von: No Offense

Now come to daddy." - Theo Von: No Offense

Now come to daddy."

Fuck that, man. - Theo Von: No Offense

Fuck that, man.

Last thing I'm doing is being myself.
Not on my watch! - Theo Von: No Offense

Last thing I'm doing is being myself. Not on my watch!

What am I gonna say to a girl?
"Hey, my name is Theo. - Theo Von: No Offense

What am I gonna say to a girl? "Hey, my name is Theo.

Mostly, I just Netflix
and keep my hopes up." - Theo Von: No Offense

Mostly, I just Netflix and keep my hopes up."

But these days you don't have to be
yourself 'cause they have Internet. - Theo Von: No Offense

But these days you don't have to be yourself 'caus...

I hit her up,
I said, "Let's get some coffee." - Theo Von: No Offense

I hit her up, I said, "Let's get some coffee."...

Didn't you read my profile? I'm adventurous.

I wanna go skydiving on our first date."
[whines] - Theo Von: No Offense

I wanna go skydiving on our first date." [whines]

That shit ain't hittin' my bottom line.
I keep unknown bitches at sea level. - Theo Von: No Offense

That shit ain't hittin' my bottom line. I keep unk...

So, I wrote her back.
I said, "Well, listen here, fancy, - Theo Von: No Offense

So, I wrote her back. I said, "Well, listen here, fancy...

Why don't you come over here,
I'll assist you off the balcony - Theo Von: No Offense

Why don't you come over here, I'll assist you off ...

If you're still feeling all adventurous
down on the flower beds, - Theo Von: No Offense

If you're still feeling all adventurous down on the flo...

But the caffeine ain't gonna
save your legs, - Theo Von: No Offense

But the caffeine ain't gonna save your legs,

Now, I'm angry at a woman
that I've never even met. - Theo Von: No Offense

Now, I'm angry at a woman that I've never even met...

Do you know what it's like to be angry
at bitches you don't even know? - Theo Von: No Offense

Do you know what it's like to be angry at bitches you d...

My buddy Sherman's like,
"What's wrong?" - Theo Von: No Offense

My buddy Sherman's like, "What's wrong?"

She's a skydiver.
Let's wait for her ass." - Theo Von: No Offense

She's a skydiver. Let's wait for her ass."

Wait till you feel 'bitch' in the air.
That's probably her!" - Theo Von: No Offense

Wait till you feel 'bitch' in the air. That's...

You just gon' keep
stressing till you pop, huh? - Theo Von: No Offense

You just gon' keep stressing till you pop, huh?

But, yeah, it's hard, man,
it's hard to relax. - Theo Von: No Offense

But, yeah, it's hard, man, it's hard to relax.

I tried the marijuanas. I know a
lot of people's on the marijuanas. - Theo Von: No Offense

I tried the marijuanas. I know a lot of people's on the...

It's like my whole head
turns into a haunted house. - Theo Von: No Offense

It's like my whole head turns into a haunted house.

This shit's strong, man." - Theo Von: No Offense

This shit's strong, man."

Theo Von: No Offense poster

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

Known for always saying the unexpected and telling it like it is, even at the expense of offending, Louisiana comedian Theo Von returns home to film his first stand-up comedy special for Netflix at the Civic Theater in New Orleans.

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Genre: comedy

Year: 2016

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