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'Cause I wouldn't be reaching for no candies
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Theo Von: No Offense

'Cause I wouldn't bereaching for no candies 'cause I know we don't keep candiesin the...

'Cause I wouldn't be
reaching for no candies 'cause I know we don't keep candies
in the house

Full Transcript

00:00:01.000 --> 00:00:03.337
'Cause I wouldn't be reaching for no candies
00:00:03.421 --> 00:00:05.839
'cause I know we don't keep candies in the house.
Duration
7 seconds
Views
19
Timestamp in Movie
00:34:17
Uploaded
Nov 02, 2025
Genres
comedy

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Movie Summary

Known for always saying the unexpected and telling it like it is, even at the expense of offending, Louisiana comedian Theo Von returns home to film his first stand-up comedy special for Netflix at the Civic Theater in New Orleans.
It's like he's reaching for a candy, like, he trying to get a butterscotch. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
It's like he's reaching for a candy, like, he tryi...
The second time I was gay was when I met Brad Pitt. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
The second time I was gay was when I met Brad Pitt.
'Cause Brad only lives on beautiful days. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
'Cause Brad only lives on beautiful days.
And I'm walking. I'm going to an audition on the Fox lot in Los Angeles. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
And I'm walking. I'm going to an audition on the F...
Probably for a big movie like League of their Own II or something heavy. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Probably for a big movie like League of their Own II or some...
The rays are just coming down and just touching me on my neck and hair. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
The rays are just coming down and just touching me on my nec...
Like the Lord just petting me, letting me know I'm still his boy. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Like the Lord just petting me, letting me know I'm stil...
I say a man, but I'm talking about the most beautiful woman - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
I say a man, but I'm talking about the most beautiful w...
Poseidon had been raising a secret little baby boy down in the ocean. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Poseidon had been raising a secret little baby boy down in t...
And when that boy was full grown, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
And when that boy was full grown,
You live out there now." - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
You live out there now."
So, I'm walking and he's walking, we're both going to the same building. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
So, I'm walking and he's walking, we're both ...
I don't even know if Brad Pitt even walks anymore, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:13
I don't even know if Brad Pitt even walks anymore,
Like, God has a chessboard with one piece and it's Brad-fucking-Pitt. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Like, God has a chessboard with one piece and it's Brad...
We're both going to the same building, I'm looking at him, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:15
We're both going to the same building, I'm looking...
I don't know what to do now, 'cause they don't teach you what to do - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
I don't know what to do now, 'cause they don'...
If you're on fire, little buddy, stop, drop and roll. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
If you're on fire, little buddy, stop, drop and roll.
If you're going to argue with a short man, don't argue with him in a prone position. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
If you're going to argue with a short man, don't a...
Argue with him like this and be ready for his little actions. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
Argue with him like this and be ready for his little actions...
But they don't teach you how to meet Brad-frikking-Pitt - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
But they don't teach you how to meet Brad-frikking-Pitt