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Theo Von: No Offense

Haters welcome." - Yep!-I don't have a nice car

Haters welcome." -[audience member] Yep!
-I don't have a nice car

Full Transcript

00:00:01.000 --> 00:00:02.584
Haters welcome."
00:00:04.252 --> 00:00:06.546
-[audience member] Yep! -I don't have a nice car.
Duration
8 seconds
Views
24
Timestamp in Movie
00:11:59
Uploaded
Nov 02, 2025
Genres
comedy

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Movie Summary

Known for always saying the unexpected and telling it like it is, even at the expense of offending, Louisiana comedian Theo Von returns home to film his first stand-up comedy special for Netflix at the Civic Theater in New Orleans.
I have that car where you act like you don't remember where you parked, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
I have that car where you act like you don't remember w...
And when nobody's looking, you fuckin' get in and you escape. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
And when nobody's looking, you fuckin' get in and ...
They're like, "They're renting '97 Accords to people?" - Theo Von: No Offense 00:12
They're like, "They're renting '97 Accor...
Yeah, every time I floor it, a blind boy can see four seconds. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Yeah, every time I floor it, a blind boy can see four second...
So, I get a lot of speeding tickets, you know, for his little dark ass." - Theo Von: No Offense 00:11
So, I get a lot of speeding tickets, you know, for his littl...
My friend Maurice is blind, and he said it ain't that bad in there. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
My friend Maurice is blind, and he said it ain't that b...
If you don't have money, you gotta have the other money: drugs. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
If you don't have money, you gotta have the other money...
They don't answer your calls, your texts, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:09
They don't answer your calls, your texts,
Blow!" - Theo Von: No Offense 00:09
Blow!"
Now come to daddy." - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
Now come to daddy."
Fuck that, man. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
Fuck that, man.
Last thing I'm doing is being myself. Not on my watch! - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Last thing I'm doing is being myself. Not on my watch!
What am I gonna say to a girl? "Hey, my name is Theo. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
What am I gonna say to a girl? "Hey, my name is Theo.
Mostly, I just Netflix and keep my hopes up." - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
Mostly, I just Netflix and keep my hopes up."
But these days you don't have to be yourself 'cause they have Internet. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
But these days you don't have to be yourself 'caus...
I hit her up, I said, "Let's get some coffee." - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
I hit her up, I said, "Let's get some coffee."...
Didn't you read my profile? I'm adventurous. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Didn't you read my profile? I'm adventurous.
I wanna go skydiving on our first date." [whines] - Theo Von: No Offense 00:13
I wanna go skydiving on our first date." [whines]
That shit ain't hittin' my bottom line. I keep unknown bitches at sea level. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
That shit ain't hittin' my bottom line. I keep unk...
So, I wrote her back. I said, "Well, listen here, fancy, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:09
So, I wrote her back. I said, "Well, listen here, fancy...