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He gotta learn to crawl side to side, around it
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Theo Von: No Offense

He gotta learn to crawl side to side,around it

He gotta learn to crawl side to side,
around it

Full Transcript

00:00:01.000 --> 00:00:04.462
He gotta learn to crawl side to side, around it.
Duration
5 seconds
Views
15
Timestamp in Movie
00:46:57
Uploaded
Nov 02, 2025
Genres
comedy

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Movie Summary

Known for always saying the unexpected and telling it like it is, even at the expense of offending, Louisiana comedian Theo Von returns home to film his first stand-up comedy special for Netflix at the Civic Theater in New Orleans.
Don't hook somebody up with the same shit they already have. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
Don't hook somebody up with the same shit they already ...
If you got a one-legged friend, don't hook him up with another one-legged friend. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
If you got a one-legged friend, don't hook him up with ...
They're just gonna lean against each other somewhere where it's level? - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
They're just gonna lean against each other somewhere wh...
Fuck no, man! Two people need at least three legs! - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Fuck no, man! Two people need at least three legs!
Look at a leg chart, you animals! - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Look at a leg chart, you animals!
And ladies, if you got a big head, work your head out. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
And ladies, if you got a big head, work your head out.
Put on some head Spanx. Spank your head up. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
Put on some head Spanx. Spank your head up.
I don't know if you guys know what a Spanx are, it's a special suit - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
I don't know if you guys know what a Spanx are, it'...
It pushes all their body into their shoes, okay? - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
It pushes all their body into their shoes, okay?
I call it "cramouflage." - Theo Von: No Offense 00:11
I call it "cramouflage."
Like-- [boat-like sounds] - Theo Von: No Offense 00:14
Like-- [boat-like sounds]
Look like a sweet little vase you wanna put all your dick flowers in. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Look like a sweet little vase you wanna put all your dick fl...
Then you get her home, you crack off these Spanx, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
Then you get her home, you crack off these Spanx,
Like-- [popping] - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
Like-- [popping]
Like, "I-I'm just gonna jerk off in the can. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
Like, "I-I'm just gonna jerk off in the can.
My headache's tired. I love you." - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
My headache's tired. I love you."
Sometimes you gotta take one for the team, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
Sometimes you gotta take one for the team,
We hooked up, actually I was worried I mighta got her pregnant - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
We hooked up, actually I was worried I mighta got her pregna...
I didn't want to have a baby with her, 'cause I don't even know her, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
I didn't want to have a baby with her, 'cause I do...
"Yes, Your Honor, this is our boy, Headrick, but I don't know her." - Theo Von: No Offense 00:10
"Yes, Your Honor, this is our boy, Headrick, but I don&...