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I feel lucky my penis lived after it was in there.
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Theo Von: No Offense

I feel lucky my penis livedafter it was in there."

I feel lucky my penis lived
after it was in there."

Full Transcript

00:00:01.000 --> 00:00:04.067
I feel lucky my penis lived after it was in there."
Duration
6 seconds
Views
29
Timestamp in Movie
00:52:06
Uploaded
Nov 02, 2025
Genres
comedy

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Movie Summary

Known for always saying the unexpected and telling it like it is, even at the expense of offending, Louisiana comedian Theo Von returns home to film his first stand-up comedy special for Netflix at the Civic Theater in New Orleans.
I don't know how old some of you are, but maybe the 1800s or whatever. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
I don't know how old some of you are, but maybe the 180...
Back then, you just walked out of your house, if you were a man, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:11
Back then, you just walked out of your house, if you were a ...
She's like, "Where are we going?" - Theo Von: No Offense 00:09
She's like, "Where are we going?"
And I'm not saying it was perfect, I'm just saying that it worked. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
And I'm not saying it was perfect, I'm just saying...
I don't think it was ideal for anybody, but the kids were fat, the cat was fed. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
I don't think it was ideal for anybody, but the kids we...
You got home, your wife was there with the mail, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:13
You got home, your wife was there with the mail,
And then women started wanting to do everything. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
And then women started wanting to do everything.
"We wanna chew gum, we wanna wear hats, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:12
"We wanna chew gum, we wanna wear hats,
Y'all are doing chin-ups in an abandoned shed all morning? - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
Y'all are doing chin-ups in an abandoned shed all morni...
Don't make that thing any harder for daddy to get into." - Theo Von: No Offense 00:11
Don't make that thing any harder for daddy to get into....
When I was young, they had four machines at the gym for ladies, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
When I was young, they had four machines at the gym for ladi...
"I'm gonna do chest and tris. Why don't you do that manicotti we love?" - Theo Von: No Offense 00:12
"I'm gonna do chest and tris. Why don't you d...
A lot of relationships don't work anymore because opposites attract. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
A lot of relationships don't work anymore because oppos...
But if y'all are doing all the women's and men's stuff, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
But if y'all are doing all the women's and men...
I have on facial moisturizer right now. I don't know what's going on. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
I have on facial moisturizer right now. I don't know wh...
You got women doin' dead lifts all day, wondering why they don't have a boyfriend. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
You got women doin' dead lifts all day, wondering why t...
I don't wanna hug a woman and come in second! - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
I don't wanna hug a woman and come in second!
You'll have a boyfriend in five minutes. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
You'll have a boyfriend in five minutes.
Women are always like, "You men look good into your sixties. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
Women are always like, "You men look good into your six...
We start falling apart in our thirties." That's bullshit. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
We start falling apart in our thirties." That's bu...