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If Apple would spend a half hour on our sphincters
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Theo Von: No Offense

If Apple would spenda half hour on our sphincters, we wouldn't have this problem!

If Apple would spend
a half hour on our sphincters, we wouldn't have this problem!

Full Transcript

00:00:01.000 --> 00:00:03.794
If Apple would spend a half hour on our sphincters,
00:00:03.877 --> 00:00:06.297
we wouldn't have this problem!
Duration
7 seconds
Views
17
Timestamp in Movie
00:19:56
Uploaded
Nov 02, 2025
Genres
comedy

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Movie Summary

Known for always saying the unexpected and telling it like it is, even at the expense of offending, Louisiana comedian Theo Von returns home to film his first stand-up comedy special for Netflix at the Civic Theater in New Orleans.
It's like your booty trying to tell everybody all your secrets. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
It's like your booty trying to tell everybody all your ...
It's like, "Don't smell that, you'll know everything!" - Theo Von: No Offense 00:18
It's like, "Don't smell that, you'll kno...
Then somebody comes in the room 'cause they wanna "tell you somethin'." - Theo Von: No Offense 00:19
Then somebody comes in the room 'cause they wanna "...
Let's go talk by the wall. We never do that! - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
Let's go talk by the wall. We never do that!
Let's chat outside. It's raining? Who cares! We're young!" - Theo Von: No Offense 00:10
Let's chat outside. It's raining? Who cares! We�...
Probably somebody from Mississippi, okay? - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Probably somebody from Mississippi, okay?
I don't know if you guys have ever been to Mississippi or not. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
I don't know if you guys have ever been to Mississippi ...
If you haven't, let me save you a little bit of travel cash, okay? - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
If you haven't, let me save you a little bit of travel ...
Go home, urinate in your toilet, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
Go home, urinate in your toilet,
"Ooh! Mississippi!" - Theo Von: No Offense 00:10
"Ooh! Mississippi!"
They need to give it to the Palestinians and solve a damn world problem, okay? - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
They need to give it to the Palestinians and solve a damn wo...
I was there a month ago, I'm pumpin' gas at the gas station, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:13
I was there a month ago, I'm pumpin' gas at the ga...
We need to get Morgan Freeman out of there and then bomb that place. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
We need to get Morgan Freeman out of there and then bomb tha...
Not with bombs, but somethin' that'll really scare 'em: books! - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Not with bombs, but somethin' that'll really scare...
[shouting] "Algebra!" - Theo Von: No Offense 00:09
[shouting] "Algebra!"
[sighs] - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
[sighs]
And I said I gotta meet a woman the old-fashioned way. People interaction. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
And I said I gotta meet a woman the old-fashioned way. Peopl...
I said I'm gonna ask out the next woman that I see - Theo Von: No Offense 00:11
I said I'm gonna ask out the next woman that I see
So I met a girl, she had a brown tooth. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
So I met a girl, she had a brown tooth.
I'm gonna see the rest of her, see what else the Lord has built - Theo Von: No Offense 00:13
I'm gonna see the rest of her, see what else the Lord h...