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If I had my old nuts, I'd bring them right to you
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Theo Von: No Offense

If I had my old nuts,I'd bring them right to you, you could pass 'em to your friend and...

If I had my old nuts,
I'd bring them right to you, you could pass 'em to your friend and get
a look, get a snap with your phone

Full Transcript

00:00:01.000 --> 00:00:03.071
If I had my old nuts, I'd bring them right to you,
00:00:03.794 --> 00:00:07.632
you could pass 'em to your friend and get a look, get a snap with your phone.
Duration
9 seconds
Views
22
Timestamp in Movie
00:56:54
Uploaded
Nov 02, 2025
Genres
comedy

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Movie Summary

Known for always saying the unexpected and telling it like it is, even at the expense of offending, Louisiana comedian Theo Von returns home to film his first stand-up comedy special for Netflix at the Civic Theater in New Orleans.
Looked like the Lord had one Christmas ornament, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
Looked like the Lord had one Christmas ornament,
The other one loved his buddy's idea, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
The other one loved his buddy's idea,
And I never took my nuts in the sun 'cause I'm with Christ, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
And I never took my nuts in the sun 'cause I'm wit...
Naturally tanned, like angels came at night - Theo Von: No Offense 00:09
Naturally tanned, like angels came at night
Now, my nuts look like somebody else been using 'em when I'm not around. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
Now, my nuts look like somebody else been using 'em whe...
I bet it was the Thompsons, check the log!" - Theo Von: No Offense 00:09
I bet it was the Thompsons, check the log!"
I gotta pinch my penis when I fart so it doesn't drip a little. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
I gotta pinch my penis when I fart so it doesn't drip a...
And that ain't a disease I have, that's every man in here - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
And that ain't a disease I have, that's every man ...
When you see your husband in the hallway like this, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
When you see your husband in the hallway like this,
I shit myself last year. I'll tell you about it, bro. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
I shit myself last year. I'll tell you about it, bro.
I shit myself last year. I was driving my car, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
I shit myself last year. I was driving my car,
I was just driving, and I reached to put the window down, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:09
I was just driving, and I reached to put the window down,
'Cause you can't trust a fart after 29, that's why. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
'Cause you can't trust a fart after 29, that'...
I used to be young and fart with both my eyes open like a ass gangster. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
I used to be young and fart with both my eyes open like a as...
[blowing air] - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
[blowing air]
'Cause you will shit your sweet Christian self. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
'Cause you will shit your sweet Christian self.
I look more forward to the fart after sex than I do to sex itself. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
I look more forward to the fart after sex than I do to sex i...
I was dating this gal for a while, and she had a little cat, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
I was dating this gal for a while, and she had a little cat,
And I'd be back in the room, just going at it, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:13
And I'd be back in the room, just going at it,
That's the pussy that's really gonna get it here tonight. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
That's the pussy that's really gonna get it here t...