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Theo Von: No Offense

Just... For no reason at all, I have a mating callfor women with osteoporosis built into...

Just... [clicking] For no reason at all, I have a mating call
for women with osteoporosis built into my body. Okay?

Full Transcript

00:00:01.000 --> 00:00:04.379
Just... [clicking]
00:00:04.463 --> 00:00:08.258
For no reason at all, I have a mating call for women with osteoporosis
00:00:08.342 --> 00:00:12.137
built into my body. Okay?
Duration
13 seconds
Views
22
Timestamp in Movie
00:55:52
Uploaded
Nov 02, 2025
Genres
comedy

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Movie Summary

Known for always saying the unexpected and telling it like it is, even at the expense of offending, Louisiana comedian Theo Von returns home to film his first stand-up comedy special for Netflix at the Civic Theater in New Orleans.
My body used to be separate parts. Remember that, guys? - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
My body used to be separate parts. Remember that, guys?
When your shoulder was separate from this, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:09
When your shoulder was separate from this,
Now it's like I'm living in a fat-muscle onesie I can't find the zipper to. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
Now it's like I'm living in a fat-muscle onesie I ...
"Do you like my arm-leg-backceps?" - Theo Von: No Offense 00:09
"Do you like my arm-leg-backceps?"
Yeah, ladies, that means my head is dying. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Yeah, ladies, that means my head is dying.
And the first thousand gray hairs, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:10
And the first thousand gray hairs,
Like they're crack hairs, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
Like they're crack hairs,
Just comb me, homie." - Theo Von: No Offense 00:10
Just comb me, homie."
If I had my old nuts, I'd bring them right to you, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:09
If I had my old nuts, I'd bring them right to you,
Looked like the Lord had one Christmas ornament, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
Looked like the Lord had one Christmas ornament,
The other one loved his buddy's idea, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
The other one loved his buddy's idea,
And I never took my nuts in the sun 'cause I'm with Christ, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
And I never took my nuts in the sun 'cause I'm wit...
Naturally tanned, like angels came at night - Theo Von: No Offense 00:09
Naturally tanned, like angels came at night
Now, my nuts look like somebody else been using 'em when I'm not around. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
Now, my nuts look like somebody else been using 'em whe...
I bet it was the Thompsons, check the log!" - Theo Von: No Offense 00:09
I bet it was the Thompsons, check the log!"
I gotta pinch my penis when I fart so it doesn't drip a little. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
I gotta pinch my penis when I fart so it doesn't drip a...
And that ain't a disease I have, that's every man in here - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
And that ain't a disease I have, that's every man ...
When you see your husband in the hallway like this, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
When you see your husband in the hallway like this,
I shit myself last year. I'll tell you about it, bro. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
I shit myself last year. I'll tell you about it, bro.
I shit myself last year. I was driving my car, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
I shit myself last year. I was driving my car,