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Last thing I'm doing is being myself. Not on my watch!
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Theo Von: No Offense

Last thing I'm doing is being myself.Not on my watch!

Last thing I'm doing is being myself.
Not on my watch!

Full Transcript

00:00:01.000 --> 00:00:04.587
Last thing I'm doing is being myself. Not on my watch!
Duration
6 seconds
Views
28
Timestamp in Movie
00:13:40
Uploaded
Nov 02, 2025
Genres
comedy

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Movie Summary

Known for always saying the unexpected and telling it like it is, even at the expense of offending, Louisiana comedian Theo Von returns home to film his first stand-up comedy special for Netflix at the Civic Theater in New Orleans.
What am I gonna say to a girl? "Hey, my name is Theo. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
What am I gonna say to a girl? "Hey, my name is Theo.
Mostly, I just Netflix and keep my hopes up." - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
Mostly, I just Netflix and keep my hopes up."
But these days you don't have to be yourself 'cause they have Internet. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
But these days you don't have to be yourself 'caus...
I hit her up, I said, "Let's get some coffee." - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
I hit her up, I said, "Let's get some coffee."...
Didn't you read my profile? I'm adventurous. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Didn't you read my profile? I'm adventurous.
I wanna go skydiving on our first date." [whines] - Theo Von: No Offense 00:13
I wanna go skydiving on our first date." [whines]
That shit ain't hittin' my bottom line. I keep unknown bitches at sea level. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
That shit ain't hittin' my bottom line. I keep unk...
So, I wrote her back. I said, "Well, listen here, fancy, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:09
So, I wrote her back. I said, "Well, listen here, fancy...
Why don't you come over here, I'll assist you off the balcony - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
Why don't you come over here, I'll assist you off ...
If you're still feeling all adventurous down on the flower beds, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
If you're still feeling all adventurous down on the flo...
But the caffeine ain't gonna save your legs, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
But the caffeine ain't gonna save your legs,
Now, I'm angry at a woman that I've never even met. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Now, I'm angry at a woman that I've never even met...
Do you know what it's like to be angry at bitches you don't even know? - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Do you know what it's like to be angry at bitches you d...
My buddy Sherman's like, "What's wrong?" - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
My buddy Sherman's like, "What's wrong?"
She's a skydiver. Let's wait for her ass." - Theo Von: No Offense 00:11
She's a skydiver. Let's wait for her ass."
Wait till you feel 'bitch' in the air. That's probably her!" - Theo Von: No Offense 00:13
Wait till you feel 'bitch' in the air. That's...
You just gon' keep stressing till you pop, huh? - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
You just gon' keep stressing till you pop, huh?
But, yeah, it's hard, man, it's hard to relax. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
But, yeah, it's hard, man, it's hard to relax.
I tried the marijuanas. I know a lot of people's on the marijuanas. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
I tried the marijuanas. I know a lot of people's on the...
It's like my whole head turns into a haunted house. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
It's like my whole head turns into a haunted house.