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Then you get her home, you crack off these Spanx
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Theo Von: No Offense

Then you get her home,you crack off these Spanx, it's like opening upa can of refrigerator...

Then you get her home,
you crack off these Spanx, it's like opening up
a can of refrigerator biscuits

Full Transcript

00:00:01.000 --> 00:00:03.378
Then you get her home, you crack off these Spanx,
00:00:03.461 --> 00:00:06.339
it's like opening up a can of refrigerator biscuits.
Duration
7 seconds
Views
31
Timestamp in Movie
00:48:23
Uploaded
Nov 02, 2025
Genres
comedy

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Movie Summary

Known for always saying the unexpected and telling it like it is, even at the expense of offending, Louisiana comedian Theo Von returns home to film his first stand-up comedy special for Netflix at the Civic Theater in New Orleans.
Like-- [popping] - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
Like-- [popping]
Like, "I-I'm just gonna jerk off in the can. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
Like, "I-I'm just gonna jerk off in the can.
My headache's tired. I love you." - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
My headache's tired. I love you."
Sometimes you gotta take one for the team, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
Sometimes you gotta take one for the team,
We hooked up, actually I was worried I mighta got her pregnant - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
We hooked up, actually I was worried I mighta got her pregna...
I didn't want to have a baby with her, 'cause I don't even know her, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
I didn't want to have a baby with her, 'cause I do...
"Yes, Your Honor, this is our boy, Headrick, but I don't know her." - Theo Von: No Offense 00:10
"Yes, Your Honor, this is our boy, Headrick, but I don&...
Like way up here. Like it auditioned to be a horn, but didn't get it. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Like way up here. Like it auditioned to be a horn, but didn&...
Way up here. Like, they smile and then smile again, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
Way up here. Like, they smile and then smile again,
Where'd your grill get a balcony?" - Theo Von: No Offense 00:12
Where'd your grill get a balcony?"
And I didn't want our first baby to have a special tooth - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
And I didn't want our first baby to have a special toot...
Only get himself a job with the carnival, working in a cage at night - Theo Von: No Offense 00:11
Only get himself a job with the carnival, working in a cage ...
I'm kissing her on her neck up in here, where all the sweet is, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
I'm kissing her on her neck up in here, where all the s...
Just rubbing my hand on her like this, just being real natural. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Just rubbing my hand on her like this, just being real natur...
Like a gentleman. Like a little husband. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
Like a gentleman. Like a little husband.
Just like a little handicapped fellow petting a scared sheep. You know, just... - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
Just like a little handicapped fellow petting a scared sheep...
"You quit shaking, Daisy, that's just a storm coming, you see. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
"You quit shaking, Daisy, that's just a storm comi...
You just keep growing your wool out, my little mitten-maker. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
You just keep growing your wool out, my little mitten-maker.
Don't you want more of daddy's Apple Jacks, my little lady angel?" - Theo Von: No Offense 00:09
Don't you want more of daddy's Apple Jacks, my lit...
And then I said, "Are you on birth control?" - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
And then I said, "Are you on birth control?"