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Theo Von: No Offense

"Yes, Your Honor, this is our boy,Headrick, but I don't know her." Second of all, I didn't...

"Yes, Your Honor, this is our boy,
Headrick, but I don't know her." Second of all, I didn't wanna have
a baby with her

Full Transcript

00:00:01.000 --> 00:00:05.462
"Yes, Your Honor, this is our boy, Headrick, but I don't know her."
00:00:06.797 --> 00:00:09.215
Second of all, I didn't wanna have a baby with her.
Duration
10 seconds
Views
24
Timestamp in Movie
00:49:22
Uploaded
Nov 02, 2025
Genres
comedy

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Movie Summary

Known for always saying the unexpected and telling it like it is, even at the expense of offending, Louisiana comedian Theo Von returns home to film his first stand-up comedy special for Netflix at the Civic Theater in New Orleans.
Like way up here. Like it auditioned to be a horn, but didn't get it. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Like way up here. Like it auditioned to be a horn, but didn&...
Way up here. Like, they smile and then smile again, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
Way up here. Like, they smile and then smile again,
Where'd your grill get a balcony?" - Theo Von: No Offense 00:12
Where'd your grill get a balcony?"
And I didn't want our first baby to have a special tooth - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
And I didn't want our first baby to have a special toot...
Only get himself a job with the carnival, working in a cage at night - Theo Von: No Offense 00:11
Only get himself a job with the carnival, working in a cage ...
I'm kissing her on her neck up in here, where all the sweet is, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
I'm kissing her on her neck up in here, where all the s...
Just rubbing my hand on her like this, just being real natural. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Just rubbing my hand on her like this, just being real natur...
Like a gentleman. Like a little husband. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
Like a gentleman. Like a little husband.
Just like a little handicapped fellow petting a scared sheep. You know, just... - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
Just like a little handicapped fellow petting a scared sheep...
"You quit shaking, Daisy, that's just a storm coming, you see. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
"You quit shaking, Daisy, that's just a storm comi...
You just keep growing your wool out, my little mitten-maker. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
You just keep growing your wool out, my little mitten-maker.
Don't you want more of daddy's Apple Jacks, my little lady angel?" - Theo Von: No Offense 00:09
Don't you want more of daddy's Apple Jacks, my lit...
And then I said, "Are you on birth control?" - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
And then I said, "Are you on birth control?"
Kind of felt like my heart had to take a shit. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
Kind of felt like my heart had to take a shit.
And then I was like, "If you had a baby, would you keep it, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:11
And then I was like, "If you had a baby, would you keep...
And she goes, "Actually, I can't conceive." - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
And she goes, "Actually, I can't conceive."
Just cheap shit she had on the walls, like pictures of her family at the beach. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Just cheap shit she had on the walls, like pictures of her f...
She's like, "Calm down, it's real sad. I've had two miscarriages." - Theo Von: No Offense 00:12
She's like, "Calm down, it's real sad. I'...
You say things you shouldn't say, 'cause the words go from your brain - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
You say things you shouldn't say, 'cause the words...
I feel lucky my penis lived after it was in there." - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
I feel lucky my penis lived after it was in there."