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Theo Von: No Offense

"You got any condoms?""No, but I got this here." That's that Alabama birth control, baby

"You got any condoms?"
"No, but I got this here." That's that Alabama birth control, baby

Full Transcript

00:00:01.000 --> 00:00:05.213
"You got any condoms?" "No, but I got this here."
00:00:05.296 --> 00:00:07.631
That's that Alabama birth control, baby.
Duration
9 seconds
Views
20
Timestamp in Movie
00:07:06
Uploaded
Nov 02, 2025
Genres
comedy

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Movie Summary

Known for always saying the unexpected and telling it like it is, even at the expense of offending, Louisiana comedian Theo Von returns home to film his first stand-up comedy special for Netflix at the Civic Theater in New Orleans.
And my friends are like, "Theo, you shouldn't make fun of your conception. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
And my friends are like, "Theo, you shouldn't make...
You should be happy you were born. You were that lucky sperm." - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
You should be happy you were born. You were that lucky sperm...
I shot out of a 70-year-old cannon, bro." - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
I shot out of a 70-year-old cannon, bro."
I had to shut down the nuts. I had to close all the windows, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
I had to shut down the nuts. I had to close all the windows,
On the way out, I passed a skeleton of a sperm - Theo Von: No Offense 00:09
On the way out, I passed a skeleton of a sperm
That's not an orgasm. That's musket fire. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
That's not an orgasm. That's musket fire.
So when I say I'm happy to be somewhere, I'm just happy to be. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
So when I say I'm happy to be somewhere, I'm just ...
Except at Denny's. They a bunch of child molesters over there. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
Except at Denny's. They a bunch of child molesters over...
I wish people would quit shootin' up movie theaters - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
I wish people would quit shootin' up movie theaters
'Cause if you get gunned up at a Denny's, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
'Cause if you get gunned up at a Denny's,
Have some respect and take your family to IHOP like a real man. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
Have some respect and take your family to IHOP like a real m...
Denny's suck. Everything at Denny's tastes like eggs and onions. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Denny's suck. Everything at Denny's tastes like eg...
The air, the pie, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:08
The air, the pie,
What do they clean the tables with? Syrup? - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
What do they clean the tables with? Syrup?
Like once you sit down, you can't even get up. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:05
Like once you sit down, you can't even get up.
"Guess we're staying for lunch. I'm trapped!" - Theo Von: No Offense 00:11
"Guess we're staying for lunch. I'm trapped!&...
Or they just have like a special mirror, and if you look like shit... - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
Or they just have like a special mirror, and if you look lik...
But you gotta wear a hat, - Theo Von: No Offense 00:07
But you gotta wear a hat,
"Put on your hat, shitty. Waffle up." - Theo Von: No Offense 00:09
"Put on your hat, shitty. Waffle up."
Shave your ladies before you put them on the dance floor. - Theo Von: No Offense 00:06
Shave your ladies before you put them on the dance floor.