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"Two and a Half Men" quotes

Two and a Half Men poster
A hedonistic jingle writer's free-wheeling life comes to an abrupt halt when his brother and 10-year-old nephew move into his beach-front house.

Director: N/A
Writer: Lee Aronsohn, Chuck Lorre
Production:
Genre: comedy, romance
Year: 2003
MetaScore: N/A/100
ImdbRating: 7.1
BoxOffice:
Released: 22 Sep 2003
Awards: Won 9 Primetime Emmys. 30 wins & 73 nominations total

1201 Clips

BertaMargaretAlan HarperWalden SchmidtLaurenEvelyn HarperLouisRussellRoseJake HarperMiaJudith HarperMelissaJeanPrudenceMissiJerome BurnettTv Announcer (v.o.)JasmineHarveyChelseaNormaFernando
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Zoey, will you do me the honor of becoming - Two and a Half Men 00:20 Zoey, will you do me the honor of becoming You're writing a report on The Taming of the Shrew - Two and a Half Men 00:29 You're writing a report on The Taming of the Shrew You're not going to believe what I just did. - Two and a Half Men 00:28 You're not going to believe what I just did. You're going to need a bigger house. - Two and a Half Men 00:07 You're going to need a bigger house. You're angry and resentful - Two and a Half Men 00:30 You're angry and resentful You're a great cook, Uncle Charlie. - Two and a Half Men 00:20 You're a great cook, Uncle Charlie. You want to take your hand off my leg? - Two and a Half Men 00:06 You want to take your hand off my leg? You want me to put this in a travel mug? - Two and a Half Men 00:12 You want me to put this in a travel mug? You want a cup of coffee before you go? - Two and a Half Men 00:22 You want a cup of coffee before you go? You think you've beaten me, don't you? - Two and a Half Men 00:20 You think you've beaten me, don't you? You tell Judith if she wants me to be a bridesmaid - Two and a Half Men 00:19 You tell Judith if she wants me to be a bridesmaid You sure my Mercedes is okay parked on the street? - Two and a Half Men 00:17 You sure my Mercedes is okay parked on the street? You sure he's okay? - Two and a Half Men 00:06 You sure he's okay? You sure you don't want some turkey for the road? - Two and a Half Men 00:17 You sure you don't want some turkey for the road? You son of a bitch - Two and a Half Men 00:03 You son of a bitch You see? - Two and a Half Men 00:19 You see? You son of a bitch - Two and a Half Men 00:06 You son of a bitch You said Alan, right? - Two and a Half Men 00:18 You said Alan, right? You said Alan, right? - Two and a Half Men 00:30 You said Alan, right? You were right. - Two and a Half Men 00:08 You were right. You really are a terrific mom. - Two and a Half Men 00:29 You really are a terrific mom. You rat bastard - Two and a Half Men 00:04 You rat bastard You rat bastard - Two and a Half Men 00:04 You rat bastard You miserable son of a bitch - Two and a Half Men 00:04 You miserable son of a bitch You make love like a woman, but you throw like a man. - Two and a Half Men 00:07 You make love like a woman, but you throw like a man. You lowlife son of a bitch - Two and a Half Men 00:04 You lowlife son of a bitch You know, if you guys were queer... - Two and a Half Men 00:07 You know, if you guys were queer... You know what Jake would really get a kick out of? - Two and a Half Men 00:17 You know what Jake would really get a kick out of? You know. - Two and a Half Men 00:11 You know. You know, I-I, um, I not only loved Zoey. - Two and a Half Men 00:13 You know, I-I, um, I not only loved Zoey. You know a lawyer? - Two and a Half Men 00:06 You know a lawyer? You have gas on your breath. - Two and a Half Men 00:26 You have gas on your breath. -You forget one thing. -Oh, what's that? - Two and a Half Men 00:07 -You forget one thing. -Oh, what's that? You don't scare me. - Two and a Half Men 00:14 You don't scare me. You crazy son of a bitch - Two and a Half Men 00:04 You crazy son of a bitch ♪ You better watch out, you better not cry ♪ - Two and a Half Men 00:21 ♪ You better watch out, you better not cry ♪ * Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up * - Two and a Half Men 00:09 * Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up * Yeppers - Two and a Half Men 00:03 Yeppers Yeah. You're fine. - Two and a Half Men 00:10 Yeah. You're fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny. - Two and a Half Men 00:13 Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny. Yeah What are you doing - Two and a Half Men 00:04 Yeah What are you doing Yeah, take care of her, - Two and a Half Men 00:31 Yeah, take care of her, Yeah, like I don't have ice. - Two and a Half Men 00:08 Yeah, like I don't have ice. Yeah, a while. But, you know, not exclusive. - Two and a Half Men 00:20 Yeah, a while. But, you know, not exclusive. - Yeah. - A little. - Two and a Half Men 00:25 - Yeah. - A little. Wow, you're really good at that. - Two and a Half Men 00:21 Wow, you're really good at that. - Wow, that went surprisingly well. - Damn. - Two and a Half Men 00:12 - Wow, that went surprisingly well. - Damn. Would you like the last sausage? - Two and a Half Men 00:13 Would you like the last sausage? Wonder how many bars he gets in there. - Two and a Half Men 00:18 Wonder how many bars he gets in there. Will you please stop that? - Two and a Half Men 00:28 Will you please stop that? Why the hell are you here - Two and a Half Men 00:04 Why the hell are you here Why don't you put some music on? - Two and a Half Men 00:13 Why don't you put some music on? Why are we running? - Two and a Half Men 00:32 Why are we running? Whoa Whoa - Two and a Half Men 00:06 Whoa Whoa Whoa - Two and a Half Men 00:19 Whoa Whoa. - Two and a Half Men 00:25 Whoa. Whoa. - Two and a Half Men 00:19 Whoa. Whoa... - Two and a Half Men 00:14 Whoa... -Who were you calling? -l was just ordering a little chicken. - Two and a Half Men 00:06 -Who were you calling? -l was just ordering a little chicken... Who the hell are you - Two and a Half Men 00:04 Who the hell are you Who the hell are you - Two and a Half Men 00:03 Who the hell are you Prudence what the hell are you doing here - Two and a Half Men 00:05 Prudence what the hell are you doing here Who likes magic? - Two and a Half Men 00:14 Who likes magic? Who is Alan Harper - Two and a Half Men 00:08 Who is Alan Harper Where does she get off calling me a child? - Two and a Half Men 00:29 Where does she get off calling me a child? - What's in the bucket? - Chum. - Two and a Half Men 00:30 - What's in the bucket? - Chum. What's happening? - Two and a Half Men 00:19 What's happening? What's going on with you... - Two and a Half Men 00:15 What's going on with you... What's going on? - Two and a Half Men 00:16 What's going on? What's going on? - Two and a Half Men 00:13 What's going on? What's going on? - Two and a Half Men 00:10 What's going on? What What are you doing up - Two and a Half Men 00:04 What What are you doing up What what are you doing - Two and a Half Men 00:04 What what are you doing What what are you doing - Two and a Half Men 00:04 What what are you doing What what are you doing - Two and a Half Men 00:03 What what are you doing What what are you doing here - Two and a Half Men 00:04 What what are you doing here What is this, your phone number? - Two and a Half Men 00:13 What is this, your phone number? What the hell's he doing - Two and a Half Men 00:04 What the hell's he doing What the hell is your mom - Two and a Half Men 00:05 What the hell is your mom
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Cast

Alan Harper - Jon Cryer
Jake Harper - Angus T. Jones
Berta - Conchata Ferrell
Charlie Harper - Charlie Sheen
Evelyn Harper - Holland Taylor
All Cast