Now, how did this tired, old, fat piece of shit get the drop on us? I don't know. He's...
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[after capturing Santa Claus and tying him up with Christmas lights]
Scrooge: Now, how did this tired, old, fat piece of shit get the drop on us?
Gingerbread: I don't know.
Candy Cane: He's not even armed. This bag is the only thing he had on him.
Scrooge: What's in there?
Gingerbread: [digs into the bag] Can't see anything.
[pulls out a present]
Scrooge: Here, give it to me.
Gingerbread: [tosses Scrooge the present and pulls out another one]
Scrooge: [opens the present] What kind of moron... carries a chess set with him?
Gingerbread: [pulls out a present shaped like a ukulele]
Scrooge: What the fuck?
Gingerbread: Doesn't make any sense. Look at all this shit.
[tosses the ukulele present]
Santa Claus: [wakes up chuckling]
Scrooge: So, you're gonna tell us what's the gimmick with the bag?
Santa Claus: It's magic. You put your hand in, out comes a present. I don't really understand how it works, either. So, you're Mr. Scrooge.
Scrooge: That's right. But who are you?
Santa Claus: Weihnachtsmann. Julenissen. Shèngdàn Laorén. Babbo Natale, Père Noel, Kris Kringle. Jolly old Saint Nick. People call me a lot of things.
Scrooge: Ha, ha, ha. Very funny. Or should I say, "Ho, ho, ho"?
Gingerbread: If you're Santa, where's your reindeer?
Santa Claus: They were on the roof until that guy I turned into an ice kebab just...
[imitates rapid gunfire]
Santa Claus: You don't believe me? Go check. Prancer left a tasty log up there.
Scrooge: This fucking guy.
Candy Cane: You don't think...
Scrooge: Now, I know you're an idiot, but don't be an idiot out loud. Come on, he's just in Santy Claus with a fucking trick bag.
[tosses the bag into the fireplace]
Santa Claus: Oh, no! That bag was full of kids' dreams!
Scrooge: Oh, come on. Everybody knows that Christmas dreams are bullshit. My father used to make a big deal out of it every Christmas. Every freaking Christmas with the presents and the candy and the decorations and the Christmas caroling and all that bullshit. And then when I was... I don't know, ten, 11, he got laid off, and that Christmas, couldn't even afford a tree. No Christmas dinner, no gifts. Nothing, nada, culo, dick. But our neighbors... our neighbors, oh, they had it all. I could see all that yuletide cheer through their window mocking me. So Christmas Eve rolls around, and... I waited for everybody to go to bed. And then I snuck in there to take it all. Only problem was that the gramps got up to take a piss and the two of us scared the shit out of each other. And, um, he fell down the stairs and-and broke his neck, and he died in the hospital. Everybody thought that I did it, and every time I tried to tell them, I tried to tell them that... Anyway, maybe I did do it. Maybe I did push him. Poor old fucker. So, you see, Christmas ruined my life. Okay? But you know what? It set me on the path and made me the great man that I am today.
Scrooge: I'm sorry, Jimmy. I really am. But I do gifts. I do Christmas cheer. I don't get involved in people's lives.
Scrooge: Oh, yeah? Yeah, well, maybe you fucking should!
Gingerbread: Um, how did he know your name?
Santa Claus: [to Gingerbread] Oh, Bjorn. What's your excuse? Huh? Didn't I get you that Huffy bike you wanted back in '82? One you wrote me 50 times about!
[to Candy Cane]
Santa Claus: What about you, Kira? Well, you made your brother eat worms. That's naughty!
Gingerbread: Okay, how does he know about my bike?
Scrooge: It's a lucky guess, like: "Hey, do you like big tits?". Come on, every kid wants a fucking bike.
Santa Claus: [as Scrooge is threatening him] Oh, Christ. No.
Scrooge: [pulls out his gun] You're gonna tell me who you work for... then you've got five seconds to tell me who you really are.
[aims his gun at Santa Claus]
Scrooge: Five, four, three, two...
Santa Claus: I'm Santa Claus!
Scrooge: Well, not anymore.
[clocks his gun and is about to shoot until the fake snow appears and music plays in the background]
Scrooge: Now, how did this tired, old, fat piece of shit get the drop on us?
Gingerbread: I don't know.
Candy Cane: He's not even armed. This bag is the only thing he had on him.
Scrooge: What's in there?
Gingerbread: [digs into the bag] Can't see anything.
[pulls out a present]
Scrooge: Here, give it to me.
Gingerbread: [tosses Scrooge the present and pulls out another one]
Scrooge: [opens the present] What kind of moron... carries a chess set with him?
Gingerbread: [pulls out a present shaped like a ukulele]
Scrooge: What the fuck?
Gingerbread: Doesn't make any sense. Look at all this shit.
[tosses the ukulele present]
Santa Claus: [wakes up chuckling]
Scrooge: So, you're gonna tell us what's the gimmick with the bag?
Santa Claus: It's magic. You put your hand in, out comes a present. I don't really understand how it works, either. So, you're Mr. Scrooge.
Scrooge: That's right. But who are you?
Santa Claus: Weihnachtsmann. Julenissen. Shèngdàn Laorén. Babbo Natale, Père Noel, Kris Kringle. Jolly old Saint Nick. People call me a lot of things.
Scrooge: Ha, ha, ha. Very funny. Or should I say, "Ho, ho, ho"?
Gingerbread: If you're Santa, where's your reindeer?
Santa Claus: They were on the roof until that guy I turned into an ice kebab just...
[imitates rapid gunfire]
Santa Claus: You don't believe me? Go check. Prancer left a tasty log up there.
Scrooge: This fucking guy.
Candy Cane: You don't think...
Scrooge: Now, I know you're an idiot, but don't be an idiot out loud. Come on, he's just in Santy Claus with a fucking trick bag.
[tosses the bag into the fireplace]
Santa Claus: Oh, no! That bag was full of kids' dreams!
Scrooge: Oh, come on. Everybody knows that Christmas dreams are bullshit. My father used to make a big deal out of it every Christmas. Every freaking Christmas with the presents and the candy and the decorations and the Christmas caroling and all that bullshit. And then when I was... I don't know, ten, 11, he got laid off, and that Christmas, couldn't even afford a tree. No Christmas dinner, no gifts. Nothing, nada, culo, dick. But our neighbors... our neighbors, oh, they had it all. I could see all that yuletide cheer through their window mocking me. So Christmas Eve rolls around, and... I waited for everybody to go to bed. And then I snuck in there to take it all. Only problem was that the gramps got up to take a piss and the two of us scared the shit out of each other. And, um, he fell down the stairs and-and broke his neck, and he died in the hospital. Everybody thought that I did it, and every time I tried to tell them, I tried to tell them that... Anyway, maybe I did do it. Maybe I did push him. Poor old fucker. So, you see, Christmas ruined my life. Okay? But you know what? It set me on the path and made me the great man that I am today.
Scrooge: I'm sorry, Jimmy. I really am. But I do gifts. I do Christmas cheer. I don't get involved in people's lives.
Scrooge: Oh, yeah? Yeah, well, maybe you fucking should!
Gingerbread: Um, how did he know your name?
Santa Claus: [to Gingerbread] Oh, Bjorn. What's your excuse? Huh? Didn't I get you that Huffy bike you wanted back in '82? One you wrote me 50 times about!
[to Candy Cane]
Santa Claus: What about you, Kira? Well, you made your brother eat worms. That's naughty!
Gingerbread: Okay, how does he know about my bike?
Scrooge: It's a lucky guess, like: "Hey, do you like big tits?". Come on, every kid wants a fucking bike.
Santa Claus: [as Scrooge is threatening him] Oh, Christ. No.
Scrooge: [pulls out his gun] You're gonna tell me who you work for... then you've got five seconds to tell me who you really are.
[aims his gun at Santa Claus]
Scrooge: Five, four, three, two...
Santa Claus: I'm Santa Claus!
Scrooge: Well, not anymore.
[clocks his gun and is about to shoot until the fake snow appears and music plays in the background]
Full Transcript
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until that guy I turned into an ice kebab just
00:00:06.255 --> 00:00:07.881
You don't believe me
00:00:07.881 --> 00:00:09.991
Go check
00:00:09.991 --> 00:00:11.076
Prancer left a tasty log up there
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This fucking guy
00:00:13.596 --> 00:00:15.306
You don't think
00:00:15.306 --> 00:00:18.475
Now I know you're an idiot but don't be an idiot out loud
00:00:18.475 --> 00:00:20.561
Come on he's just in Santy Claus
00:00:20.561 --> 00:00:22.563
with a fucking trick bag
00:00:22.563 --> 00:00:24.565
Oh no
00:00:24.565 --> 00:00:26.004
That bag was full of kids' dreams
00:00:26.004 --> 00:00:28.193
Oh come on
00:00:28.193 --> 00:00:30.487
Everybody knows that Christmas dreams are bullshit
00:00:31.028 --> 00:00:33.907
My father used to make a big deal out of it
00:00:33.907 --> 00:00:35.701
every Christmas
00:00:35.701 --> 00:00:37.087
Every freaking Christmas with the presents
00:00:37.087 --> 00:00:40.998
and the candy and the decorations
00:00:40.998 --> 00:00:43.876
and the Christmas caroling and all that bullshit
00:00:45.252 --> 00:00:47.546
And then when I was
00:00:47.546 --> 00:00:50.966
I don't know ten 11
00:00:50.966 --> 00:00:52.926
he got laid off and that Christmas
00:00:52.926 --> 00:00:54.428
couldn't even afford a tree
00:00:54.428 --> 00:00:55.971
No Christmas dinner no gifts
00:00:55.971 --> 00:00:58.599
Nothing nada culo dick
00:00:59.391 --> 00:01:00.768
But our neighbors
00:01:00.768 --> 00:01:02.645
our neighbors oh they had it all
00:01:02.645 --> 00:01:04.438
I could see all that yuletide cheer
00:01:04.438 --> 00:01:06.982
through their window mocking me
00:01:06.982 --> 00:01:10.001
So Christmas Eve rolls around and
00:01:10.001 --> 00:01:13.947
I waited for everybody to go to bed
00:01:13.947 --> 00:01:17.001
And then I snuck in there to take it all
00:01:18.285 --> 00:01:20.999
Only problem was that the gramps got up to take a piss
00:01:20.999 --> 00:01:23.248
and the two of us scared the shit out of each other
00:01:23.248 --> 00:01:26.001
And um he fell down the stairs
00:01:26.001 --> 00:01:30.839
and and broke his neck and he died in the hospital
00:01:30.839 --> 00:01:32.999
Everybody thought that I did it
00:01:32.999 --> 00:01:33.967
and every time I tried to tell them
00:01:33.967 --> 00:01:36.047
I tried to tell them that
00:01:37.001 --> 00:01:40.307
Anyway maybe I did do it
00:01:40.307 --> 00:01:42.351
Maybe I did push him
00:01:42.351 --> 00:01:44.001
Poor old fucker
00:01:44.001 --> 00:01:47.648
So you see Christmas ruined my life
00:01:47.648 --> 00:01:49.316
Okay But you know what
00:01:49.316 --> 00:01:50.651
It set me on the path
00:01:50.651 --> 00:01:52.999
and made me the great man that I am today
00:01:52.999 --> 00:01:54.738
I'm sorry Jimmy
00:01:55.001 --> 00:01:57.998
I really am
00:01:57.908 --> 00:01:59.952
But I do gifts I do Christmas cheer
00:01:59.952 --> 00:02:02.001
I don't get involved in people's lives
00:02:02.001 --> 00:02:06.997
Oh yeah Yeah well maybe you fucking should
00:02:10.999 --> 00:02:13.001
Um how did he know your name
00:02:13.001 --> 00:02:15.999
Oh Bjorn
00:02:15.999 --> 00:02:17.553
What's your excuse
00:02:17.553 --> 00:02:19.001
Huh
00:02:19.001 --> 00:02:22.999
Didn't I get you that Huffy bike you wanted back in '82
00:02:22.999 --> 00:02:25.001
One you wrote me 50 times about
00:02:25.001 --> 00:02:27.001
What about you Kira
00:02:27.001 --> 00:02:30.357
Well you made your brother eat worms
00:02:30.357 --> 00:02:31.001
That's naughty
00:02:31.001 --> 00:02:33.999
Okay how does he know about my bike
00:02:33.999 --> 00:02:37.197
Hey do you like big tits
00:02:37.197 --> 00:02:39.999
Come on every kid wants a fucking bike
00:02:39.999 --> 00:02:42.536
You're gonna tell me who you work for Oh Christ No
00:02:42.536 --> 00:02:45.999
then you've got five seconds to tell me who you really are
00:02:45.999 --> 00:02:48.667
Five four three two
00:02:48.667 --> 00:02:50.001
I'm Santa Claus
00:02:50.001 --> 00:02:52.999
Well not anymore
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Movie Summary
When a group of mercenaries attack the estate of a wealthy family, Santa Claus must step in to save the day (and Christmas).
