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Whitney Cummings: Jokes

Plot under wraps.

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Marcus Raboy

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Whitney Cummings

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You better have a party coming up, - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

You better have a party coming up,

Day one, you look at those brand-new avocados,

Like my dude, I tell him,
"I don't give a shit." - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

Like my dude, I tell him, "I don't give a shit.&qu...

Don't you dare shoot my neck
from this fuckin' angle, either. - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

Don't you dare shoot my neck from this fuckin' ang...

No, I do not understand why women
don't propose to men more. - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

No, I do not understand why women don't propose to men ...

"Why don't I get down
on one knee and propose?" - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

"Why don't I get down on one knee and propose?&quo...

"Okay, I'm going
to get down on one knee…" - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

"Okay, I'm going to get down on one knee…"

And I realized that
if you're a woman proposing to a man, - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

And I realized that if you're a woman proposing to a ma...

I would have to open with, - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

I would have to open with,

"I thought that maybe - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

"I thought that maybe

I'd be like, "Alex, will you make me
the happiest woman in the world - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

I'd be like, "Alex, will you make me the happiest ...

But this is the first guy
I've ever dated - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

But this is the first guy I've ever dated

Your kids will be getting into college,
so congratulations. - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

Your kids will be getting into college, so congratulations.

But no one will let me take that test.
They'll be like, - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

But no one will let me take that test. They'll be like,

They'll be like, "They're gonna have
your phone number and email address." - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

They'll be like, "They're gonna have your pho...

They were all over
people's porches, in bags. - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

They were all over people's porches, in bags.

Homeless people would wipe
their assholes with your data. - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

Homeless people would wipe their assholes with your data.

No one wants your fuckin' data, - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

No one wants your fuckin' data,

Everyone in the audience in their twenties
is like, "She doesn't get it." - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

Everyone in the audience in their twenties is like, "Sh...

I have a 25-year-old guy
working in my office. - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

I have a 25-year-old guy working in my office.

He's like, "I can't email this document." - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

He's like, "I can't email this...

To a communal tray. - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

To a communal tray.

Our encryption, it was something
called a "cover page." - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

Our encryption, it was something called a "cover page.&...

You go to the front of the line,
like, "Hey, um, - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

You go to the front of the line, like, "Hey, um,

"They don't deserve to see
this V-neck and this dick." - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

"They don't deserve to see this V-neck and this di...

You don't know, you're not sure.
That means, "Yes, every 20 seconds." - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

You don't know, you're not sure. That means, "...

Where is our homie, where is 65?
Where is our guy? Did he pass on? - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

Where is our homie, where is 65? Where is our guy? Did he pa...

Okay, there he is. Um… - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

Okay, there he is. Um…

Listen, they… watch all the porn
on the Internet, - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

Listen, they… watch all the porn on the Internet,

Do you have any idea what he had to do
when he wanted to see a pair of titties? - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

Do you have any idea what he had to do when he wanted to see...

He had to drive into town. - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

He had to drive into town.

He had to look a grown man in the eye - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

He had to look a grown man in the eye

His cookies was a human man! - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

His cookies was a human man!

Who he could run into
at the grocery store or church whenever. - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

Who he could run into at the grocery store or church wheneve...

If he wanted to delete his cookies,
he had to kill his friend! - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

If he wanted to delete his cookies, he had to kill his frien...

[laughter and applause] - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

[laughter and applause]

I feel I might be a little desensitized
to all the privacy stuff. - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

I feel I might be a little desensitized to all the privacy s...

Uh, if you didn't hear,
a couple of years ago, - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

Uh, if you didn't hear, a couple of years ago,

Uh, and I'm gonna tell you something
right now, Newark, New Jersey. - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

Uh, and I'm gonna tell you something right now, Newark,...

Uh… - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

I was like, "You guys can have my titties,
but please don't tell anyone - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

I was like, "You guys can have my titties, but please d...

It was a screen grab of a video - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

It was a screen grab of a video

-[scattered laughter]
-So… - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

-[scattered laughter] -So…

And you know when you post something
on social media and you're like, - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

And you know when you post something on social media and you...

"14 missed calls." - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

"14 missed calls."

And it was a very long video, because… - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

And it was a very long video, because…

I was like, "Not tonight, side table.
Not tonight." - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

I was like, "Not tonight, side table. Not tonight."...

Three months later,
I get this very cryptic email - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

Three months later, I get this very cryptic email

I open it, and it was a guy
who was trying to extort me. - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

I open it, and it was a guy who was trying to extort me.

He goes, "If you don't give me $10,000, - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

He goes, "If you don't give me $10,000,

Um… - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

And on a bit of a serious note,
if you guys saw my last special, - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

And on a bit of a serious note, if you guys saw my last spec...

I said all that
before I had seen titties from this angle. - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

I said all that before I had seen titties from this angle.

Uh, nobody told me,
no matter how perky your tits are, - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

Uh, nobody told me, no matter how perky your tits are,

Like traffic cones where someone
kicked in the side of the… - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

Like traffic cones where someone kicked in the side of the…...

I had seen a glimpse of myself having
doggie-style sex in a mirror before, - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

I had seen a glimpse of myself having doggie-style sex in a ...

And I know on my last special
I talked about having fake boobs, - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

And I know on my last special I talked about having fake boo...

You thought they'd stay cute, they don't.
They get long and pointy and weird. - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

You thought they'd stay cute, they don't. They get...

And the only real difference
between fake boobs and real boobs - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

And the only real difference between fake boobs and real boo...

They're like,
"Bitch, I did my job. Peace!" - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

They're like, "Bitch, I did my job. Peace!"

The first time I lied down naked
in front of him, he literally-- - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

The first time I lied down naked in front of him, he literal...

I would say, "What?" - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

I would say, "What?"

It's very… - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

And, uh… - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

My favorite prank used to be when I would
hook up with a guy for the first time, - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

My favorite prank used to be when I would hook up with a guy...

Um… - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

So I was like, "Oh, God,
this is such an ethical dilemma." - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

So I was like, "Oh, God, this is such an ethical dilemm...

I scheduled the post, and then - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

I scheduled the post, and then

Your Auntie Whitney trending on Porn Hub. - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

Your Auntie Whitney trending on Porn Hub.

I feel like… - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

People blame me, like,
"Why were your photos in the cloud?" - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

People blame me, like, "Why were your photos in the clo...

We used to take a roll of film, - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

We used to take a roll of film,

And then we found out whatever the fuck
he was doing only took an hour. - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

And then we found out whatever the fuck he was doing only to...

Those prints came back sticky as hell.
You know I'm right. - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

Those prints came back sticky as hell. You know I'm rig...

The only time I ever get
a little bit suspicious of technology - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

The only time I ever get a little bit suspicious of technolo...

They were like, "Ma'am,
we need to take your temperature." - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

They were like, "Ma'am, we need to take your tempe...

They were like,
"Ma'am, we haven't done that - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

They were like, "Ma'am, we haven't done that

And we had anal sex with thermometers
our entire childhoods? - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

And we had anal sex with thermometers our entire childhoods?

'Cause I would like to discuss
reparations at some point. - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

'Cause I would like to discuss reparations at some poin...

If you think about what it was like
for us to be at the doctor as kids, - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

If you think about what it was like for us to be at the doct...

When I was a kid,
you got buck naked at every doctor. - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

When I was a kid, you got buck naked at every doctor.

Old habits, dude.
I just want to get out of there quickly, - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

Old habits, dude. I just want to get out of there quickly,

If a doctor walks in, they'll be like,
"No, ma'am, you've got to put on a robe." - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

If a doctor walks in, they'll be like, "No, ma...

For the first time ever,
there was, all of the sudden, - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

For the first time ever, there was, all of the sudden,

There's a chaperone
during the gynecological-- - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

There's a chaperone during the gynecological--

I was like, "My only opportunity
to get fingered by an older man, - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

I was like, "My only opportunity to get fingered by an ...

No, I feel like I'm the most
pro-technology of all my friends. - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

No, I feel like I'm the most pro-technology of all my f...

As soon as my friends become parents,
they get freaked out about technology. - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

As soon as my friends become parents, they get freaked out a...

They're like, "These kids, now they're
on their phones eight hours a day." - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

They're like, "These kids, now they're on the...

You want to put your kids on the shit
we played on when we were children? - Whitney Cummings: Jokes

You want to put your kids on the shit we played on when we w...

Whitney Cummings: Jokes poster

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

Plot under wraps.

User Rating: 0.0 (0 ratings)

Director: Marcus Raboy

Writer: N/A

Production: N/A

Genre: comedy

Year: 2022

MetaScore: N/A/100

ImdbRating: 5.6

BoxOffice: N/A

Released: 26 Jul 2022

Awards: N/A

Homepage:

Also watch: Facing Nolan, Hasan Minhaj: The King's Jester, Chris Rock: Selective Outrage, A Man Called Otto, Oppenheimer, Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse, Interstellar, Society of the Snow, Boston Strangler, Tenet, Green Book, Evil Dead Rise, Parasite, Spider Man: No Way Home, The Boy and the Heron, Knives Out, Poor Things, Another Round