Transcript:
Austin Millbarge:
Hard to believe its been only 15 minutes since I destroyed the world. In another 15 minutes, it'll all be over. Such a short time to destroy a world. And to think my high school guid...

Transcript:
Russian Interregator #1:
Why are you here?
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Why am I here? Why are you here? Why is anybody here? I think it was Jean-Paul Sartre who once said... how do you spell spell Sartre?
[so...

Transcript:
Austin Millbarge:
For once I'm completely in agreement with my partner. I'm not going down there. Do you know what those things can do? Suck the paint off your house and give your family a permanent o...

Scene Description:
a woman is wearing a fur hat and a fur hat.

Transcript:
Austin Millbarge:
[Listening to faint music]
It's... "Soul Finger" by the Bar Kays
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
They must be havin' a hard time getting gigs. | It's Soul Finger by the Bar kays They must be havi...

Transcript:
Alice, Fitz-Hume's Supervisor:
You're not going to give me some bullshit that you're dying, are you?
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
No... not now. | You're not gonna give me some bullshit that you're dying are yo...

Transcript:
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
What did she say?
Austin Millbarge:
She wants to know why we'd do such a thing.
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Tell her so do we. | She wants to know why we would do such a thing Tell her so do...

Transcript:
Golfer:
[a golf ball rolls into the tent where Emmett Fitz-Hume and Austin Millbarge are working as doctors, and in walks Bob Hope]
Ah! Mind if I play through.
[He hits his golf ball out of the tent]...

Scene Description:
two men are talking in front of a tent with the word war on it.

Transcript:
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Why are you still hitting me? He's going to cut my fingers off!
Russian Interregator #2:
You have 30 seconds.
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
You're not going to start humming the theme to Jeopa...

Transcript:
Austin Millbarge:
They're saying it'll be 28 minutes before the rocket detonates above it's target, somewhere inside the continental United States. Let's see, 28 minutes, that's 18 until it's inside t...

Transcript:
Austin Millbarge:
These are the Yusufzai. They're Afghani freedom fighters! They're our allies!
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Oh! We're Americans! | These are the Yusufzai They're Afghani freedom fighters They'r...

Transcript:
Col. Rhumbus:
Boys, it would be a shame to have to kill you now. | Boys it would be a shame to have to kill you now

Scene Description:
two men in military uniforms, one of which is wearing a green uniform.

Transcript:
[Surrounded by Ninja warriors]

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Alright. Stop right there... and I'll bring back the sun. Okay...
[Shows a picture from his wallet]

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
This is my sister. You can all...

Scene Description:
two men in military uniforms stand side by side.

Transcript:
Austin Millbarge:
Find a rock! Go the the SatScram terminal! Smash that thing!
[Fitz-Hume smashes terminal]

Emmett Fitz-Hume:
It's broken.
Austin Millbarge:
Bring it here.
[Fitz-Hume shrugs and wa...

Scene Description:
a man is holding a rock in his hand and a large tank is behind him.

Transcript:
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
[catches a live grenade]
Hey! What's this?
Austin Millbarge:
You don't want it!
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
[stands up and casually throws the grenade back] | What's this You don't want it

Transcript:
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
[trying to buy time by making something up]
All right! All right, I'm an American agent!
Russian Interregator #2:
And...?
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
And? And... uhh... they... they sent me ...

Scene Description:
a knife with a red star and a symbol on it.

Transcript:
Karen Boyer:
You might think I'm silly to worship you the way I do; but, in my estimation - you're a genius.
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Well, I think genius is a pretty strong word; but, if you insist on usin...

Transcript:
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Well, what are you saying? That they're Spies Like Us?
Austin Millbarge:
They're spies - but, not necessarily on our side. | Well what are you saying That they're spies like us They...

Transcript:
Austin Millbarge:
[selects a Trivial Pursuit card]
Comrade, okay, what Little Richard song was the title of a 1950s movie starring Jayne Mansfield?
Russian Rocket Crew #1:
Guud Golly, Miss Molly?
Ru...

Transcript:
[Ninjas emerge and surround Millbarge and Fitz-Hume]

Austin Millbarge:
We need a plan.
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Let's play dead. | We need a plan Let's play dead

Transcript:
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
My objective? Well I object to taking a girl out, you know, and buying her dinner and then she won't put out for you. | I object to taking a girl out and buying her dinner and then s...

Transcript:
[Arguing surgical techniques]

Austin Millbarge:
We mock what we don't understand. | We mock what we don't understand Yeah

Transcript:
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
So thanks for the bruises and you can keep the ahhh... stool samples! | So thanks for the bruises and you can keep the stool samples

Transcript:
Karen Boyer:
When you walked into this tent, it was the most exciting moment of my life.
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
[smiles]
Well, you just wait. | Dr Trowbridge Homer when you walked into this tent it was th...

Scene Description:
a woman is smiling next to a man in a white shirt.

Transcript:
Austin Millbarge:
They aren't doctors.
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
What do you mean?
Austin Millbarge:
That metal case she was packing on her horse.
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Well, what about it?
Austin Millbarge:
...

Transcript:
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
I think it's our duty as American operatives to follow her and find out what she's up to.
Austin Millbarge:
You just want to follow her.
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
No.
Austin Millbarge:
Yo...

Transcript:
Austin Millbarge:
No wonder neither of you could do that appendix operation. You're Spies Like Us!
Karen Boyer:
You mean you're...
Austin Millbarge:
Austin Milbarge. I'm a GLG-20. | No wonder neithe...

Transcript:
Karen Boyer:
Gentlemen, I think you both should realize the gravity of this moment. I've spent the last two-and-a-half years of my life preparing for this penetration. | Gentlemen I think you both sho...

Scene Description:
a horse with a blanket on its back stands in the snow.

Transcript:
Austin Millbarge:
I think we can recall it.
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
What do you mean recall it? You mean, like a defective Pinto? | I think we can recall it What do you mean You mean like a defective Pinto

Transcript:
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
[in celebration after saving the human race]
... Can I borrow your tent? | Can I borrow your tent

Scene Description:
a man with a cigarette in his mouth is holding another man's hand.

Transcript:
Austin Millbarge:
[while rescuing Fitz-Hume]
You know, I must really like you, because I don't like horses and I hate guns! | You know I must really like you because I don't like horses and I hate gun...

Transcript:
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Feet!
Austin Millbarge:
Hat! | Feet Hat

Scene Description:
two men are laughing and one of them is wearing a khaki hat.

Transcript:
Austin Millbarge:
And now, the first incision. - - - And now, I will incise...
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Cut the sucker! | And now the first incision And now I will incise Cut the sucker

Scene Description:
two men in scrubs stand in a hospital room, one of which is wearing a surgical mask.

Transcript:
Austin Millbarge:
Listen, Fitz-Hume is in the custody of the Tajik Highway Patrol because of you. | Project Fitz Hume is in the custody of the Tadzhik highway patrol because of you

Transcript:
Emmett Fitz-Hume:
Okay, Dostoevsky, what does it say?
Austin Millbarge:
It says: approach SS-50, source programmable rocket. | Okay Dostoyevsky what does it say It says Approach SS 50 source programm...

Transcript:
General Miegs:
Release Full Pulse. | Release full pulse

Transcript:
General Sline:
I'm sure it'll only be a matter of minutes before the President commits the total release. | I'm sure it will only be a matter of minutes before the president commits to total release

Transcript:
Edwin Newman:
Mr. Emmett Fitz-Hume, chief State Department negotiator, here at the disarmament talks, reentering what he has called the "delicately balanced" negotiations. | Mr Emmett Fitz Hume chief ...

Transcript:
Coalhouse Walker Jr.:
I read music so good, white folks think I'm fakin' it. | I read music so good white folks think I'm fakin' it

Transcript:
Younger Brother:
I design fireworks. That's my job.
[the black anarchists laugh in derision]

Younger Brother:
. I can make bombs.
[They stop laughing and take him seriously] | I design fireworks Th...

Transcript:
Younger Brother:
What kind of music do you play?
Coalhouse Walker Jr.:
Anything they ask me to, and then I play ragtime. | What kind of music do you play Anything they ask me to and then I play ragti...

Transcript:
Rheinlander Waldo:
Where is J. P. Morgan?
Vernon Elliott:
Oh, he's on an expedition down the Nile... in Egypt.
Rheinlander Waldo:
Hmmm... Lucky him!
[Looks at the Captain]

Police Captain #1:
Yes, ...

Transcript:
Coalhouse Walker Jr.:
[praying]
Lord, I'd hoped I'd have the courage to know what I should do now. You must see how sick at heart I've been... and how I've performed this thing with little appetite.
...

Transcript:
Black Lawyer:
[Coalhouse tries to sue for his car being damaged]
Well, what's your financial situation like?
Coalhouse Walker Jr.:
[sighs]
I have a little laid by. I planned to use it on my wedding, ...

Scene Description:
a man in a suit sits at a desk in front of a sign that says'i love you '.

Transcript:
Sarah:
[about Coalhouse]
He say one thing, and then he say another thing. And he make it all sound so good. It ain't nuthin' but talk, Ma'am. It ain't nuthin' but talk! | Why He say one thing and then...

Transcript:
Rheinlander Waldo:
[refering to the anarchists in the library]
Well, Mr. Elliot, why don't you go in and have a word with them?
Vernon Elliott:
I beg your pardon?
Rheinlander Waldo:
Just explain the...

Transcript:
[Coalhouse has just learned that his friends have safely escaped]

Father:
[trepidatiously]
Well, shouldn't we... uh... tell them... that we're... we're coming?
Coalhouse Walker Jr.:
[calmly]
Yeah. Y...

Transcript:
Coalhouse Walker Jr.:
[Speaking to Booker T. Washington]
You speak like an angel, Mr. Washington. It's too bad we're living on the earth. | But you speak like an angel Mr Washington It's too bad we're...

Scene Description:
a man in a grey suit and a bow tie looks at the camera.

Transcript:
Evelyn Nesbit:
This little piggy went wee weee wee wee all the way to the bank. | this little piggy went wee wee wee wee all the way to the bank

Transcript:
P.C. O'Donnell:
Nobody's intimidating me, Mister. You just don't know what you're getting yourself into, and I'm trying to keep your nose clean. Now, would you be a good boy and just get along.?
Coal...

Transcript:
Booker T. Washington:
[to Walker in the library]
What you have done here has set our race back a distance I can't measure. | What you have done here has set our race back a distance I can't measure

Transcript:
[last lines]

[Sgt. Blake orders the cache of repeating rifles burned to keep them from being captured by Apaches]

Pvt. Zach:
We lugged those rifles for a hundred miles... a hundred miles for nothing...

Transcript:
[first lines]

Narrator:
In the early '30s, Adolf Hitler and his inner circle became obsessed with the occult, believing that the black arts were key to their plan for world domination. Nazi agents tr...

Transcript:
Richard Wirth:
Those who came before rule the blood. And when you rule the blood, death is no longer the end. | The window He can come in through the window Come on This rune is the only reason he has...

Transcript:
Victor Marshall:
All those times you asked me what I did in the war - what it was like...
Evan Marshall:
Don't throw that goddamn war at me. I said I was gonna enlist. You signed up behind my back. A...

Scene Description:
two men are walking in a field with a house in the background.

Transcript:
Evan Marshall:
If I could go back there and switch places with him... I would in a minute. | If I could go back there and switch places with him I would in a minute

Transcript:
Victor Marshall:
[to Evan]
I need your help tonight. I need your help. No questions. | I need your help tonight I need your help No questions

Transcript:
Victor Marshall:
You want to get sympathetic, Evan? Don't shoot someone in the stomach. It hurts like hell, and it takes too long to die. | You want to get sympathetic Evan Don't shoot someone in the ...

Transcript:
Liese Wollner:
This is his doing. Time doesn't touch us.
Evan Marshall:
You're lying.
Liese Wollner:
I've been 17 longer than you've been alive. | This is his doing Time doesn't touch us You're lyin...

Transcript:
Otto Wollner:
Your bullets won't hurt him! Run! | Your bullets won't hurt him

Transcript:
[last lines]

Liese Wollner:
Don't hate us. | Don't hate us

Transcript:
Mrs. Wollner:
We should have asked more questions.
Otto Wollner:
We can ask in the morning.
Mrs. Wollner:
I mean, weeks ago. | I would in a minute I need you to know that I know Good night and Jeffe...

Transcript:
Victor Marshall:
No one's to know I'm back till this is done. | No one's to know I m back till this is done

Transcript:
Victor Marshall:
You want out of this, you tell me now before it's too late. You do this with me, nothing will ever be the same. You'll never be the same. You ought to know that. It wouldn't be right ...

Transcript:
Evan Marshall:
We searched every inch of ground within 10 miles of here.
Victor Marshall:
Well, you missed me. | We searched every inch of ground within 10 miles of here Well you missed me

Transcript:
Evan Marshall:
You didn't say anything about a family.
Victor Marshall:
You want to worry about a family, worry about ours.
Evan Marshall:
You got to give me some kind of reason.
Victor Marshall:
[...

Transcript:
Liese Wollner:
We had him contained until you came here. The next time he kills, it'll be on your conscience, not mine. | We had him contained until you came here The next time he kills it'll be on yo...

Transcript:
Victor Marshall:
I'm gonna kill you.
Richard Wirth:
No. You're going to feed me. | I'm gonna kill you No You're going to feed me

Transcript:
Richard Wirth:
[to Victor]
Your reward for helping me - you get to see your brother die. | Your reward for helping me you get to see your brother die

Transcript:
Gabrilla Montez:
When I was singing with you, I felt like just a girl.
Troy Bolton:
You even look like one too! | When I was singing with you I just felt like a girl You even look like one too