Transcript:
Shela:
Couldn't we stop and rest a minute?
David Stillwell:
Oh, don't be a sissy.
Shela:
I'm a girl! I'm supposed to be a sissy! | Now a fist to the ear and there's another one What's supposed to be...

Transcript:
Ted Caselle:
I tell you one thing, I'm beginning to wish I had a gun.
David Stillwell:
You're kidding?
Ted Caselle:
Aw, filthy things, I can't stand them. You have one and sure as shootin' you end u...

Transcript:
Shela:
Oh, David. Help me, please, help me.
David Stillwell:
We'll help each other. That's really what it's all about, anyway. | he did fall 27 floors Frances Stop it You know how much I'll miss him ...

Transcript:
[Josephson is considering whether to side with David or the Major]

David Stillwell:
Dammit, Josephson, commit! If you're not committed to anything, you're just taking up space! | Commit Josephson If ...

Transcript:
Lester:
It's beginning to look like people are on their way out, all together.
David Stillwell:
Well, maybe the machines will keep us around for pets. | I tell you it's beginning to look like people ...

Transcript:
David Stillwell:
Wouldn't it be hilarious if you did know what you were doing?
Ted Caselle:
Yeah and how come I don't know what to do next?
David Stillwell:
Well, pretend you're James Bond, he alway...

Transcript:
[Talking about the Major]

David Stillwell:
Those people aren't even ants to him! They're articles of commerce! And I'm the cost accountant, trying to cut down his overhead with what you and he call "...

Transcript:
Dr. Broden:
But whatever that horrible thing that happened... I don't want to know about it!
David Stillwell:
Broden, there's no doubt you're a brilliant scientist. But you're not much of a doctor, o...

Scene Description:
a black and white photo of a man in a suit and tie.

Transcript:
Crawford Gilcuttie:
I'm tired of you, David. Just give me the formula and get the hell out of here!
David Stillwell:
What's the matter, Major? You seem nervous!
Crawford Gilcuttie:
...Why should I b...

Transcript:
Ted Caselle:
My secretary is out to lunch, my partner is out in a case. My name is Caselle. Who recommended you, Mr...?
David Stillwell:
Stillwell. David Stillwell. I saw the sign. | My secretary's o...

Transcript:
Ted Caselle:
What can I do for you?
David Stillwell:
To open it, you can find who I am.
Ted Caselle:
Sure, you are David Stillwell. That will be... hmm, ten bucks! | Now then sir What can I do for y...

Transcript:
Joe Turtle:
You work with Mr. Josephson, don't you? Do you know what he calls me? Sweetheart.
David Stillwell:
Well, you're losing touch, Sweetheart's what they call total strangers, these days.
Joe...

Transcript:
David Stillwell:
Josephson, if you heard I was taking a cruise the islands, why did you call?
Josephson:
I didn't know what time you'd be leaving and I didn't want you to go without saying aloha, boo...

Transcript:
Cocktail Waitress:
Good evening.
David Stillwell:
Hi. Scotch and lemon peel.
Cocktail Waitress:
Thank you.
Ted Caselle:
I'll have a Dr. Pepper.
David Stillwell:
That figures. | Good evening Scotch...

Transcript:
Shela:
Where's your friend?
David Stillwell:
Oh, he was just being polite. Hates instant coffee.
Shela:
I can't say I blame him. They might have included some instant taste. | Where's your friend He...

Transcript:
Shela:
I don't suppose you could use any help?
David Stillwell:
Who do you have in mind?
Shela:
Well, you could run an ad in the Times: Wanted, extremely lonely young lady with a fairly low opinion ...

Transcript:
Female Office Worker:
[Walking with a candle during a blackout in an office building]
Where are you going Louise?
Louise:
I don't know. I just had to get out of there. Mr. Hannick is grabby enough wh...

Transcript:
Witness to Suicide:
If I had the guts to step out of that window, I'd have had the guts to go on living. | If you have the courage to face that terrible thing that made you forget But whatever it is I...

Transcript:
David Stillwell:
What about your secretary? Don't you want to leave a note or something?
Ted Caselle:
I will tell the truth. I don't have a secretary and there is no partner. As a matter of fact, you...

Transcript:
Lester:
[Referring to the TV]
They got wrestling coming in from Chicago. I know it's supposed to be fixed, but so's everything else.
David Stillwell:
Why don't you just take the set?
Lester:
Eh, now...

Transcript:
Frank Carteret:
It's amazing! The things people ask of love. They expect it to protect them, keep them from being bored, make them work harder. In fact , they want everything except love. | It's amazi...

Transcript:
Cicely Hunt Tyler:
If it hadn't been for Kit, I don't think I would have been altogether faithful to your memory.
Christopher Tyler:
You know. I had made up my mind I wasn't going to ask you that. I ...

Transcript:
Stan:
Shakespeare.
Ollie:
Longfellow. What goes up the chimney?
Stan:
Santa Claus. | Shakespeare Longfellow What goes up the chimney Santa Claus

Transcript:
[Last lines]

Ollie:
That Laurel is the dumbest thing I ever saw.
Bert Hardy:
The other one is too.
Ollie:
You're absolutely right, Bert. Neither one of them can see any further than the end of thei...

Transcript:
Stan:
What would you like Bubbles?
Mrs. Betty 'Bubbles' Laurel:
Now, don't rush me, lover. I think I'll have a nice Welsh Rarebit.
Joe Grogan:
One Welsh Rarebit.
Stan:
With cheese.
Joe Grogan:
Wit...

Transcript:
Bert Hardy:
Garcon? Garcon?
Joe Grogan:
What do you mean Garcon? Grogan's the name. What'll you have?
Bert Hardy:
Why, I'd like a nice, large, cold flagon of beer.
Joe Grogan:
What's yours?
Alf La...

Scene Description:
three men sit at a table in a room with a man wearing a hat that says " the man in the middle is wearing a hat that says " the man in the middle. "

Transcript:
Finn:
[hands Hardy a bill]
Here, have yourselves a fling.
Bert Hardy:
A dollar? We can't do much flinging on a dollar. | There's a dollar between you A dollar We can't do much flinging on a dollar

Transcript:
Alice:
[At Denker's Beer Garden]
Joe, who are these men?
Joe Grogan:
When they were here before, they called themselves Mr. Laurel and Mr. Hardy.
Mrs. Daphne Hardy:
[Slaps the table]
That's all I wa...

Transcript:
Ollie:
I think I'll have...
Joe Grogan:
I know what you two guys are gonna have...
[walks off]

Mrs. Betty 'Bubbles' Laurel:
That's an awfully fresh waiter.
[Grogan returns and places a beer betwee...

Transcript:
Ollie:
Stan took me to see and Punch and Judy show; I haven't seen one of those since I was a kid. | Stan took me to see a Punch and Judy show First one I've seen since I was a kid

Transcript:
Stan:
Why would they feel like that? Everybody has a black sheep in their closet. | Why would they feel like that Everybody has a black sheep in their closet

Transcript:
Alf Laurel:
Did you see what I saw?
Bert Hardy:
Certainly, You know who they are? They're our twin brothers, Stan and Ollie
Alf Laurel:
What are they doing here?
Bert Hardy:
I don't know. | Did you...

Scene Description:
a black and white image of a fish in the water.

Transcript:
Stan:
Shakespeare.
Ollie:
Longfellow.
Stan:
Needles.
Ollie:
Pins. | Shakespeare Longfellow Needles Pins LAUGHS

Transcript:
Stan:
We'll see you before you go.
Mrs. Betty 'Bubbles' Laurel:
Oh, lover!
[Goodbye kiss] | See you before you go Oh lover

Transcript:
Ollie:
Come in, Mrs. Avaquist.
Stan:
It wasn't Mrs.Twiddlepass.
Ollie:
Not Twiddlepass, Addlequist, eh, Ataquist, eh, never mind who it was, who was it? | DOOR CLOSES Come in Mrs Addlequist It wasn'...

Scene Description:
a man sitting at a table with a plate of food on it.

Transcript:
Stan:
Shakespeare
Ollie:
Long - Not now! | Shakespeare Long Not now

Transcript:
Alf Laurel:
What's in the package, Cappy?
Captain of SS Periwinkle:
None of your business what's in it! Go on, get outta here. And don't call me Cappy! | What's in the package Cappy None of your busi...

Transcript:
Finn:
And No Monkey Tricks! | And no monkey tricks

Scene Description:
three men stand in a room with one wearing a cap and the other wearing a cap.

Transcript:
Bert Hardy:
Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into! | Well here's another nice mess you've gotten me into

Transcript:
Bert Hardy:
Hey, Finn! Are you coming back?
Finn:
I wouldn't say yes and I wouldn't say no. Oh, and if I see Alice and Lily, I'll give 'em your love. Maybe I'll give 'em a kiss for you! | BERT Hey Fi...

Scene Description:
a man is walking with a dog in front of a store.

Transcript:
Stan:
Shakespeare.
Ollie:
Longfellow.
Stan:
What goes up the chimney?
Ollie:
Smoke. | Shakespeare Longfellow What goes up the chimney Smoke

Transcript:
Alice:
[to Ollie]
Say, listen big boy, I don't think much of your taste. Ditching us for a couple of old frumps like these!
Mrs. Daphne Hardy:
I beg your pardon! Do you know who you're talking to?
A...

Transcript:
Lily:
What are you looking so innocent about?
Stan:
I'm not so innocent.
Mrs. Betty 'Bubbles' Laurel:
You bet you're not! And if you're as guilty, as I think you are, you ought to be ashamed of your...

Transcript:
Finn:
The last time I saw them they had no clothes on.
Mrs. Daphne Hardy:
They had no clothes on? Who is this man?
Ollie:
I don't know, Mommy, he's an absolute stranger to us, isn't he?
Stan:
He ce...

Transcript:
Ollie:
But, Momma, let me explain.
Mrs. Daphne Hardy:
Don't ever speak to me again - you overstuffed Casanova! | But Momma let me explain Don't ever speak to me again you over stuffed Casanova

Scene Description:
a group of men sitting at a table with drinks and one of them is wearing a black hat.

Transcript:
Ollie:
Do you realize what you've done?
Finn:
I don't care what I've done. Serves you right for not introducing me. Besides, they weren't so hot anyway. Where did you pick them up? Did you win them o...

Scene Description:
three men are sitting at a table with a tablecloth on it.

Transcript:
Ollie:
I'm going to teach them a lesson.
Stan:
How do you mean?
Ollie:
We are going to stay out all night! And we are not going home until they come to us and apologize!
Stan:
That's a good idea. W...

Transcript:
Drunk:
Hello, buddies. What's the trouble now?
Ollie:
Oh, we just had a little argument with the wives.
Stan:
Yeah, you see, they don't understand us. So we're going to teach them a lesson. Aren't w...

Transcript:
Stan, Ollie:
All for one and one for all!
Drunk:
All!
Stan:
Shakespeare.
Ollie:
Longfellow.
Drunk:
George Washington.
Ollie:
What goes down the flue?
Drunk:
A good slug of liquor!
Ollie:
R...

Scene Description:
three men are talking in a room with one wearing a hat and the other wearing a bow tie.

Transcript:
Alf Laurel:
Well, what do you think we better do?
Bert Hardy:
That's entirely up to you. You thought of a way to get us into this mess. Now, think of a way to get us out of it. | What do you think we...

Transcript:
Bert Hardy:
[Stranded in a hotel with no clothes, Laurel suggests they dress up like the "fellas that look like Eskimos" in "Singapore" - using bed quilts and towels as their set of clothes]
That soun...

Transcript:
Mrs. Betty 'Bubbles' Laurel:
Stan and Oliver have been arrested. And they haven't any clothes on! And they've taken them to the police station. Oh!
Mrs. Daphne Hardy:
Oh, this is a fine state of affa...

Transcript:
Alf Laurel:
What'd he say?
Bert Hardy:
I don't know?
Man wearing a Turban:
Don't you speak Arabic?
Bert Hardy:
Oh, no sir. We're a couple of Singapore Eskimos. | What did he say I don't know Do you...

Transcript:
Alf Laurel:
Funny looking dames, aren't they?
Bert Hardy:
I don't know. I kinda like that big, fat blonde.
Alf Laurel:
The little one wasn't so bad.
Bert Hardy:
They're cute. | Me too Funny looking...

Transcript:
Bert Hardy:
Hey, listen, sailor. Lay off of the blonde! I saw her first! | Hey listen sailor lay off of the blonde I saw her first

Transcript:
Bert Hardy:
What's the matter? We can explain everything?
Alice:
You can't explain those two old cronies!
Alf Laurel:
They're not old cronies. They're a couple of old welfare workers. | Well Alice W...

Transcript:
Alice:
Well, sit down and have a drink.
Bert Hardy:
We will as soon as we get rid of these two old battle-axes.
Alf Laurel:
Yeah, we'll soon get rid of them.
[the two old battle-axes walk up behind...

Transcript:
Captain of SS Periwinkle:
You double-crossing swab, give me that ring.
Ollie:
Are you trying to frighten me? Go ahead, little boy, and peddle your fish. | You double crossing swab give me that ring A...

Transcript:
Drunk:
Ya, ya know the trouble with him? He's drunk. | You know where it is Aye sir

Transcript:
Finn:
Before, it was two to one. Now, it's three to two. That makes it even.
Alf Laurel:
You must be balmy. We haven't seen you since...
Finn:
Balmy, am I! At 'em boys! | What's he talking about Bef...

Transcript:
Alf Laurel:
You're sure lookin' good, Stanley. But, how you have altered.
Stan:
You've altered too, but, you haven't changed a bit. | You're sure looking good Stanley but how you have altered You've ...

Transcript:
Alice:
[seeing Bert and Alf enter Denker's]
Looks like the fleet's in. | Lil looks like the fleet's in

Transcript:
Mr. Geary:
Did you see the girls out there?
Justin Cobb:
Yeah.
Mr. Geary:
Okay, go round 'em up. Bring 'em in here.
Justin Cobb:
[hesitant]
... Men's room.
Mr. Geary:
[nodding]
That's okay, I'm a ...

Transcript:
Justin Cobb:
We have to overcome the idea that everyone is the same. | We have to overcome the idea that everyone is the same

Transcript:
[from trailer]

Dr. Perry Lyman:
There's only so much I can do with traditional orthodontics. Justin, are you ready to let go of your thumb?
Justin Cobb:
Why are you talking like that? | There's only...

Transcript:
Dr. Perry Lyman:
I stopped trying to be anything. I accepted myself in all my human disorder. You might wanna do the same. | I guess I stopped trying to be anything I accepted myself and all my human ...

Transcript:
[Justin lays back in the chair of his dentist who suggests a way to help him stop his thumb sucking condition]

Dr. Perry Lyman:
It's time we were honest with each other.
Justin Cobb:
Yeah?
Dr. Perr...

Transcript:
[Justin and Mr. Geary have a final word with one another]

Mr. Geary:
Justin, it's... in my professional opinion that you've become a monster.
Justin Cobb:
What? You used to love me.
Mr. Geary:
Don'...

Transcript:
[Joel works out stretching in front of his bedroom mirror when Justin walks in]

Joel Cobb:
What?
Justin Cobb:
Nothing. Ass.
Joel Cobb:
Be quiet.
Justin Cobb:
Joel.
Joel Cobb:
Yeah?
Justin Cobb:
...