Transcript:
[Justin and Rebecca kiss in her bedroom when she notices the MFC written on his thumb]

Justin Cobb:
[Chuckles]
What's MFC? Justin? Justin.
[Justin becomes shy when he's reminded that MFC is his dad'...

Transcript:
[Justin tells his father at work that he was accepted into college]

Mike Cobb:
Well, you know, what does it mean?
Justin Cobb:
It means I want to go.
Mike Cobb:
Just like that?
Justin Cobb:
They w...

Transcript:
Justin Cobb:
The only way somebody like me could get her attention is by being her kid. | The only way somebody like me could ever get her attention is by being her kid

Transcript:
[Justin talks with Mr. Geary about how his medication is going]

Mr. Geary:
How are you doing with the, uh, medication?
Justin Cobb:
I read Moby Dick straight through.
Mr. Geary:
That's great. But h...

Scene Description:
a teacher stands in front of a white board that says " moby dick ".

Transcript:
Mike Cobb:
I... I never know what you two are thinking. | I never know what the two of you are thinking

Transcript:
[first lines]

Audrey Cobb:
You're good at stuff like this. I have to find something distinctive about myself.
Justin Cobb:
You're beautiful, Audrey.
Audrey Cobb:
Seriously. | You're good at stuff l...

Transcript:
[Justin listens and smiles at Rebecca giving her debate speech in Mr. Geary's class]

Rebecca:
The ocean contains 97 percent of the Earth's water and generates over 70 percent of the Earth's oxygen, a...

Transcript:
[Justin lays back in the dentist chair talking to Dr. Perry]

Dr. Perry Lyman:
Justin, do they teach you about the subconscious at school?
Justin Cobb:
A little.
Dr. Perry Lyman:
Ever heard of subco...

Transcript:
[Justin calls Mr. Geary in the next room so that Geary can buy him and the female debaters beer while staying in a hotel room]

Mr. Geary:
[Mr. Geary on the phone]
Are you trying to put me in a positi...

Transcript:
[Justin plays the blindfold game with Rebecca]

Rebecca:
We're not in a relationship, Justin.
Justin Cobb:
Why not?
Justin Cobb:
[Justin takes off the blindfold]
Rebecca... I love you.
Rebecca:
God...

Transcript:
[last lines]

[Justin has a dream of himself as a newsman with all of his family and friends watching him, when he's suddenly unable to say the words from the teleprompter]

[Justin slowly opens his e...

Transcript:
[Justin draws while his little brother Joel bothers him with questions about girls]

Joel Cobb:
You never even had a girlfriend.
Justin Cobb:
So what?
Joel Cobb:
You don't even hang out with girls. ...

Transcript:
[Justin sits in the school library when Rebecca sits across from him and draws]

Rebecca:
You like that book?
Justin Cobb:
Oh, yeah. It's, um - It's got great stuff on Greenpeace.
Rebecca:
Yeah, it'...

Transcript:
[Justin and Rebecca walk along the stream together]

Justin Cobb:
It's hot today.
Rebecca:
Yeah.
Justin Cobb:
I think I'm gonna take my shirt off.
Rebecca:
Yeah? Go ahead.
Justin Cobb:
You should,...

Transcript:
[Justin calls Dr. Perry asking him to take back the hypnosis he still feels under]

Justin Cobb:
Perry. It worked.
Dr. Perry Lyman:
That's wonderful.
Justin Cobb:
No, I - I didn't think it would be ...

Scene Description:
a man and a woman are walking away from each other.

Transcript:
[Justin and his little brother Joel both walk to the bike race that Dr. Perry is a contestant in, to make Perry crash his bicycle by holding up animal photos crossed with red X's]

Joel Cobb:
This is ...

Transcript:
[Justin begins his first real debate]

Debate Official:
Okay, today's topic for spar is the media, with an emphasis on TV violence. Elise Burns.
Debater Elise - 'TV Violence Kills Morality':
It's jus...

Transcript:
[Justin talks to Mr. Geary in the restroom, who is nervously trying to comb his hair]

Mr. Geary:
[sighs]
I wish I was bald. Bitch.
Justin Cobb:
[stares at Mr. Geary through the mirror]
Your hair see...

Transcript:
[Mike and Audrey Cobb lay in bed together discussing the sudden success of Justin in his debating skills]

Audrey Cobb:
You know, you should see him. He wears this tie.
[laughs]

Audrey Cobb:
It's im...

Transcript:
[Justin and Mr. Geary driving home from a debate]

Mr. Geary:
How do you feel?
Justin Cobb:
Tired. But good.
Mr. Geary:
Why do you feel good?
Justin Cobb:
'Cause I'm winning.
Mr. Geary:
How about ...

Scene Description:
a man is giving a speech to a man who is holding a trophy.

Transcript:
[Debater Mark catches Justin in the bathroom with a bottle of pills]

Justin Cobb:
What are you doing?
Debater Mark - 'Whatever, Speedfreak':
No wonder. You know this stuff's just speed right?
Justi...

Transcript:
[Justin talks to his mom at breakfast, who works at the rehab for celebrities]

Justin Cobb:
How was work? How was work?
Audrey Cobb:
It was really good actually. It was really good.
Justin Cobb:
Do...

Transcript:
[Justin sneaks to his mother's place of work at the rehab center for celebrities, while outside he bumps into his mom's favorite celebrity smoking outside, Matt Schramm]

Matt Schramm:
So, what, are y...

Transcript:
[Justin walks into Audrey's room after she knows he's been accepted to a college in New York]

Audrey Cobb:
[sniffles]
You know I'm happy for you. I am. It's just... I don't know. If it was Belgium, o...

Transcript:
Rudy Duncan:
You're sending me into an Indian casino dressed as a COWBOY, thought this through entirely?
Pug:
It was either that or a ballerina. | You're sending me into an I ndian casino dressed lik...

Transcript:
Rudy Duncan:
Rule one! Never put a car thief behind the wheel! | Rule one never put a car thief behind the wheel

Transcript:
[shooting at a group of robbers in Santa Claus suits]

Jack Bangs:
Hey, Santa Claus! Welcome to the Tomahawk! | Hey Santa Claus Welcome to the Tomahawk

Transcript:
Gabriel Mercer:
Ever since you started going to night school you've been giving me headaches. | Ever since you been goin' to night school you been giving me headaches Jumpy

Scene Description:
a close up of a man with long hair wearing a black jacket.

Transcript:
Gabriel Mercer:
I read your letters, convict. Don't play no reindeer games with me. | I read your letters convict Don't play no reindeer games with me

Transcript:
Rudy Duncan:
Naw-uh, fuck that. Nick doesn't do anything until Nick gets something for Nick. I want some hot chocolate. You want to hear about some Indian casino, I want to see some goddamn hot chocol...

Transcript:
Rudy Duncan:
Sounds pretty mature for twenty-five.
Nick Cassidy:
Grow up in Detroit, you mature real quickly.
Rudy Duncan:
Yeah. Either that or those pictures are ten years old. | She sounds pretty ...

Transcript:
[last lines]

Rudy Duncan:
[Rudy narrates a quote he said earlier in the film while walking home in his Santa outfit]
All I wanna do is make it back to Sidnaw, sit down for Christmas dinner, watch som...

Scene Description:
a snow covered road with a sign that says " s " on it.

Transcript:
[Gabriel kicks Rudy down on the ground]

Gabriel Mercer:
So... You wanted a weapon, convict?
Rudy Duncan:
[Gabriel pulls out a handgun and aims it down at Rudy]
Ahh! No. Dont'! Ahh!
[Gabriel pulls t...

Transcript:
Ashley Mercer:
When I get in there you better be wearing nothing but a candy cane! | When I get back in that room you better be wearing nothing but a candy cane

Transcript:
Jumpy:
It says here the retail industry does 50% of its business between December 1st and December 25th. That's half a year's business in one month's time. It seems to me, an intelligent country would...

Transcript:
[Rudy Duncan and Nick Cassidy in the prisoner cafeteria line receiving green jello]

Nick Cassidy:
What's this?
Prisoner:
Holiday jello.
Nick Cassidy:
What's this shit in it?
Prisoner:
Swallow it a...

Transcript:
[the inmate Zook spits out a mouthful of jello at the prison cafeteria table across from Rudy and Nick]

Zook:
Come on man, what's wrong with you?
Zook:
Monsters... in the gelatin.
Nick Cassidy:
It'...

Transcript:
[Gabriel tells his life story while playing a game of darts, with Rudy as the dartboard]

Gabriel Mercer:
I've been driving rigs a long time, convict. Four, five million miles of road. Hard road.
[ch...

Transcript:
[Rudy and Gabriel talk about how they're going to pull off the robbery]

Rudy Duncan:
I can tell you right now, going in there with A.K.s and ski masks ain't gonna do that.
Gabriel Mercer:
[chuckles]...

Transcript:
[Rudy sits in the back of Gabriel's diesel truck contemplating on what to do]

Rudy Duncan:
[narrating]
You hang around with criminals, you end up making a lot of plans. But all the jobs I ever pulled...

Transcript:
Ashley Mercer:
There's no future for people like you and me, Nick. The places we come from - plant towns, mill towns, small lives! No future, just more of the same! You want a future you got to stand ...

Transcript:
Rudy Duncan:
I had better sex in prison. | I had better sex in prison

Scene Description:
a man is holding a man's neck in a dark room.

Transcript:
Merlin:
Man, they got a shit load of cookies! | Man they got a shitload of cookies

Transcript:
Baby Oopsy-Daisy:
You'll love it! It's really gonna tear you up. | I love it It's really going to tear you up

Transcript:
Baby Oopsy-Daisy:
Well, well the bitch is back for another ass kicking! | This one's back for another ass kicking

Transcript:
Baby Oopsy-Daisy:
[to Judith]
Ha, your bullets are shit! It takes magic to fight magic bitch! | You're full of this shit It takes magic to fight magic bitch

Transcript:
Brick Bardo:
Pop goes the weasel. | Brick Bardo Pop goes the weasel

Scene Description:
a man is laying on a bed in a dark room.

Transcript:
Baby Oopsy-Daisy:
[to Ray]
Psycho? all bitches are crazy squirt! Don't look so surprised jerkweed!, I know all about women!
[Ray falls over]

Baby Oopsy-Daisy:
nice balance half pint! you've got shit...

Transcript:
Brick Bardo:
What the hell are you talking about? You're a fucking toy!
Baby Oopsy-Daisy:
Yeah that's right I'm a fucking toy!, and comes midnight that's exactly what I'll be doing to doll chick! | B...

Scene Description:
a house at night with the lights on.

Transcript:
Baby Oopsy-Daisy:
[to a dead bum]
Thanks a lot asshole!,
[Jack Attack laughs]

Baby Oopsy-Daisy:
Okay lets get rid of this creep
[makes him disappear into a vortex] | Screw was a wart on the asshole...

Transcript:
Baby Oopsy-Daisy:
[Explaining their master's origin]
About 67 years ago on Halloween night some dipshit tried to give him a body by letting the Master do the nasty with some bimbo!, unfortunately they...

Scene Description:
a close up of a baby face with the word " baby " on it.

Transcript:
Brick Bardo:
What the matter? You never seen a cop before? | Brick Bardo What's the matter You never seen a cop before

Scene Description:
a calendar on the wall says nicks on it.

Transcript:
Baby Oopsy-Daisy:
[as he starts up a remote control car to try and tear Brick in half]
Split him a new asshole! | Split him a new asshole

Transcript:
Baby Oopsy-Daisy:
[after Brick breaks free from the ropes]
What the fuck? | What's the matter

Transcript:
[repeated line]

Dr. Clement:
The abused becomes the abuser. | Abused becomes the abuser

Scene Description:
a close up of a woman's face with an eyeball.

Transcript:
Roslyn:
What are these - what are these Xs here? They're where the murders have occurred, right?
Det. Marling:
Yeah. All within the two-mile radius of the central point.
Roslyn:
Which is uhm... wher...

Transcript:
Cole:
I need a drink.
Roslyn:
I thought you gave up drinking.
Cole:
Yeah babe, like you quit smoking?
Cole:
[turns an ashtray upside down] | I need a drink I thought you gave up drinking Yeah Hmm B...

Transcript:
Valerie:
I didn't want you to think Earth girls were easy.
Mac:
What is "easy"?
Valerie:
[kissing him]
This is "easy". | Well I just don't want you to think Earth girls are easy What is easy This is...

Transcript:
[from the song "'Cause I'm A Blonde"]

Candy:
I just want to say that being chosen as this month's Miss August is like a compliment I'll remember for as long as I can. Right now I'm a freshman in my f...

Transcript:
Zeebo:
[imitating Candy]
Oh, my God. You're like totally black! | Oh my God You're like totally black

Transcript:
Candy:
Okay you guys, what's the plan for tonight?
Valerie:
Whoa, Candy, reality check. We can't go out with these guys, they're aliens!
Candy:
So? They can still be dates! | OK you guys what's the ...

Transcript:
[Ted sees a bowling ball embedded in his computer monitor]

Ted:
What? Oh, wait a second. They said the Commodore would stand up to anything! | What Oh wait a second They said the Commodore would stan...

Transcript:
Candy:
Well I see split ends are universal. Lost in space with no conditioner, huh? | Well I see split ends are universal Lost in space with no conditioner huh

Transcript:
Mac:
Are we limp and hard to manage? | Valerie are we limp and hard to manage

Transcript:
Woody:
[on the phone to Valerie, as cops attack him]
I gotta go, Val - I'm gettin' my butt kicked! | I gotta go now Valerie I'm gettin' my butt kicked

Transcript:
Candy:
If you wanna be a femme fatale, you can't rest on your L'Oréals!
Valerie:
You know, I think she might be right!
Candy:
Grab the bleach, she's seen the light! | If you want to be a femme fatal...

Transcript:
Valerie:
Aw, Wiploc, I think I'll miss you least of all.
Wiploc:
You want a liplock from Wiploc? | Aw Wiploc I think I'll miss you least of all You got liplock for Wiploc

Scene Description:
a woman in a red shirt is looking at a wall that has an arrow on it.

Transcript:
Woody:
Waste your brain; wax your board; pray for waves. | Waste your brain Wax your board Pray for waves

Transcript:
Wiploc:
Finland is here?
Valerie:
Finland? No, this is the Valley. Finland is the capital of Norway. Gawd, you guys sure learn fast. | Finland is here Finland No This is the valley Finland is the cap...

Scene Description:
a man and a woman are in a living room and one of them is wearing a bathing suit.