Transcript:
[from the song "'Cause I'm A Blonde"]

Candy:
I took an IQ test and I flunked it, of course / I can't spell VW, but I got a Porsche. | I took an IQ test and I flunked it of course I can't spell VW but...

Transcript:
[from the song "'Cause I'm A Blonde"]

Candy:
'Cause I'm a blonde! B-L-... I don't know! | 'Cause I'm a blond b l I don't know

Transcript:
Mac:
Joe, take us to hospital, please.
Joe the Cop:
Hey, clown, you're going to the slammer!
Mac:
[looks at Mike the cop, then at Valerie]
We go to slammer first.
Valerie:
[to Mac]
Listen, give the...

Scene Description:
two men in white suits stand in front of a large mirror.

Transcript:
Valerie:
As if things weren't bad enough, now I've been abducted by aliens. | Oh like things weren't bad enough now I've been abducted by a UFO

Transcript:
Valerie:
[Frantically to Candy]
A UFO landed in my pool and they captured me but we made friends and I fed them Pop-Tarts and, um, they're here now, but Ted's coming home tonight so you've got to cut ...

Transcript:
[the aliens have landed]

Valerie:
There's a giant blow dryer in my pool. | There's a giant blow dryer in my pool

Transcript:
Ted:
[On the phone]
Dr. Tuchman, please.
[waits]

Ted:
Barbara? Ted here. Listen, uh, I need a really big favor. I want you to cover my shift at the hospital tomorrow. I'm going to Vegas!
[laughs]

...

Scene Description:
a book called the money by the author is titled " money ".

Transcript:
Candy:
[singing]
Because I'm blonde, I don't have to think, I talk like a baby, And I never pay for drinks, Don't have to worry, About getting a man, If I keep this blonde, And I keep these tanned, 'C...

Scene Description:
a group of people on a beach with a sign that says no recreation.

Transcript:
Ted:
I don't know, I'm just not that turned on by her lately.
Body Factory Attendant:
I hear oysters are good for potency.
Dr. Rick:
Yeah, I tried that once, but they kept slipping off.
Ted:
If I w...

Transcript:
Valerie:
Ted is coming home tonight and there's a UFO in my pool. A UFO!
Candy:
BFD. Ted's not going to be there for a few hours. Just chill out, Val. | Ted is coming home tonight and there's a UFO i...

Transcript:
Valerie:
Wait a minute. Are you like coming on to me? Is this a pass? Because, I mean, if it is, sex is like *totally* out of the question.
Mac:
What is sex?
Valerie:
Sex? You know, making love. A m...

Transcript:
Valerie:
Eat me, I'm a cupcake! | Eat me I'm a cookie

Scene Description:
a person's hand is in front of a window with a purple light behind them.

Transcript:
Valerie:
[answering phone]
Hello? Oh, Candy! The worst thing in the world happened!
[pause]

Valerie:
No, Bambi's fine. It's Ted. Yeah, the blond thing did not work. | Hello Oh Candy the worst thing ...

Scene Description:
a woman sitting at a table with a red phone in front of her.

Transcript:
Candy:
[singing]
I just got to say, Your love life's going nowhere, 'Cause you look like Doris Day... | Your love life's going nowhere 'cause you look like Doris Day

Transcript:
Candy:
[singing]
Honey, if you vixenize, Guaranteed he'll get a rise... | Honey if you vixenize Guaranteed he'll get a rise

Scene Description:
a woman in a pink mirror is looking at another woman in a blue dress.

Transcript:
Valerie:
I was reading an ad for these pyramids you put over the bed. They're supposed to increase sexual energy. | Wh What is going on here You brought her home to have sex You weren't supposed to be...

Transcript:
Valerie:
You brought a girl home to have sex?
Ted:
Well, you weren't supposed to be here, Val.
Valerie:
You were going to have sex without me? | You brought her home to have sex You weren't supposed...

Transcript:
Wiploc:
Females!
Zeebo:
They're hairless.
Wiploc:
Who cares? They're round and bouncy. Bald thing, I think I love you. | before anyone realizes they're aliens No one's going to know they're aliens O...

Scene Description:
a woman with curly hair is looking at the camera.

Transcript:
Valerie:
Really, I could keep my mouth shut. I mean, I'm the kind of person that you could tell anything to and I'd never tell. Ask my cousin, Debbie. You know, she got like her boobs done and I never...

Transcript:
Valerie:
I'm just a manicurist. I don't know about anything about anything, except nails. You know, nails? | because I'm just a manicurist I don't know about anything except nails You know nails

Scene Description:
a woman in a bathtub with a pink bikini top.

Transcript:
Valerie:
[singing]
I know now what you're all about, What a nightmare, My friends thought you were a dream... | But I know now what you're all about What a nightmare My friends thought you were a drea...

Scene Description:
a woman is walking in a room with a bouquet of flowers.

Transcript:
Wiploc:
I found one. She's bald but beautiful. She's taking off her breast protector. | If I find one flea the deal's off OK Val are you ready I think they're almost done

Transcript:
Valerie:
I don't know why you abducted me anyway. I mean, I'm sure you're looking for somebody more important. You know, like Nancy Reagan. | I don't why you abducted me anyway I'm sure you're looking...

Transcript:
Valerie:
If meaningless sex is what you want, why can't you have it with me! | If meaningless sex is what you want why can't you have it with me

Transcript:
Valerie:
You know, at first, I thought you kind of looked like a giant bigfoot or something, But now, I mean, if I didn't know that you were an alien, I would just think that you were a really cute gu...

Transcript:
Ronald Reagan:
You are Americans. | You are Americans

Transcript:
Valerie:
Candy, whatever you do, don't freak out.
Candy:
Valerie!
Valerie:
I mean it, don't freak out. Promise me you will not freak out.
Candy:
Stop it! You are freaking me out! | Candy whatever y...

Scene Description:
a woman is walking in a room with yellow chairs and a checkered floor.

Transcript:
Valerie:
Oh, wow. If I only had about a zillion gallons of Nair. | If I only had a zillion gallons of Nair

Transcript:
Valerie:
Can you do it?
Candy:
Does Tina Turner wear a wig?
Valerie:
That's a wig?
Candy:
That's a wig. | Can you do it Does Tina Turner wear a wig That's a wig

Scene Description:
a woman in a costume that has the word flash on it

Transcript:
Candy:
You guys are so lucky you crashed in the valley. It's the baddest place on earth! | You guys are so lucky you crashed in the valley It's the baddest place on earth

Transcript:
Valerie:
Whoa! Candy, reality check. We can't go out with these guys. They're aliens!
Candy:
So? They can still be dates! Do you guys have margaritas on your planet?
Valerie:
Candy, it's just not sa...

Transcript:
Wiploc:
We go get Candy?
Woody:
Yeah! Candy, gum, beer nuts, anything you want. Twizzlers. I got some milk duds. | We go get Candy Candy gum beer nuts anything you want Twizzlers I got some Milk Duds

Transcript:
Woody:
Oh! You should've seen me today, man. Nothing but radical rips all the way in. You want some slushy? Yeah, I was barely off my board when the wahines were all over me.
Zeebo:
Ew! Wahines!
Woo...

Transcript:
Woody:
Hey, dudes, I just remembered something. What was it? Oh, yeah! At the beach today, they're having a Blonde-Of-The-Month contest.
Zeebo:
Blonde?
Woody:
Yeah, you know, Blonde beach bunnies. C...

Scene Description:
a man running down a street in front of a house with a tree in the background.

Transcript:
Ted:
These degenerates broke into my home and destroyed my property. I want them arrested right now. They're MTV scum! | However these degenerates broke into my home and destroyed my property I want t...

Transcript:
Receptionist:
Wiploc and Zeebo? What are their last names?
Valerie:
They don't have last names. They're performers like - Cher. | Wiploc and Zeebo What are their last names They don't have last names...

Transcript:
[last lines]

Woody:
Hey! Give my love to Finland! | Give my love to Finland

Scene Description:
a plane is flying in the night sky with the lights on.

Transcript:
Ted:
You got to bring that one-piece night thing. That, uh, corset - that looks like underwear. | You got to bring that one piece night thing that uh corset that looks like underwear

Transcript:
Valerie:
A relationship is a lot like a porcelain nail, Ted. You can break it, and you can glue it back together, but it's not going to be as strong as it was unless the person is really committed to ...

Scene Description:
a man is talking on the phone in a car.

Transcript:
Candy:
Someone ought to hose those girls down. | Someone should hose those girls down

Transcript:
Zeebo:
My panty shields make me feel fresh all day.
Candy:
Are they straight?
Valerie:
I don't know. They're aliens! | Panty shields make me feel fresh Are they straight I don't know They're aliens

Transcript:
Ted:
He was eating my Blue-Gilled Dorky! | He was eating my Blue Gilled Dorky

Transcript:
Woody:
Hey! Jail isn't so bad. It's where I learned how to surf. | Jail isn't so bad It's where I learned how to surf

Transcript:
Valerie:
Take off your uniform.
Head Nurse:
What?
Valerie:
Take it off! Quick!
Head Nurse:
I know you. You're Teds girlfriend.
Valerie:
Strip.
Head Nurse:
I don't want any part of you or Ted or y...

Transcript:
Ted:
Sweetheart, I booked the Cave Man Suite at Cupid's Lodge! | Sweetheart I booked the Cave Man Suite at Cupid's Lodge

Transcript:
Edward Carnby:
I was tracking poachers across their lines in the Amazon when I hooked up with some ex-Chilean military trafficking artifacts on the black market. | tracking poachers across their trans...

Transcript:
Dr. John H. Watson:
Yes. We told you, you were taking an awful risk.
Sherlock Holmes:
Well, we had to have a confession and these egomaniacs are always so much more chatty when they feel they have th...

Transcript:
[last lines]

Sherlock Holmes:
There's a new spirit abroad in the land. The old days of grab and greed are on their way out. We're beginning to think of what we *owe* the other fellow, not just what w...

Transcript:
[Inspector Lestrade is lost in a secret passage]

Insp. Lestrade:
Get me out! It's me, Lestrade! I'm lost! I'm all turned around!
Sherlock Holmes:
You have been for years. Get him out of there, will ...

Scene Description:
a black and white photo of a group of people.

Transcript:
Dr. John H. Watson:
Oh, Hurlston. It's a grim old pile, very spooky.
Sherlock Holmes:
Don't tell me that you met a ghost.
Dr. John H. Watson:
Well, not so spooky as that. Ghosts don't stab people in...

Transcript:
[Lestrade brings a suspect's shoe to compare to recovered footprints]

Insp. Lestrade:
And that's Alfred Brunton's shoe.
Sherlock Holmes:
Fits perfectly, Inspector.
Insp. Lestrade:
Uh-huh.
Sherlock...

Scene Description:
a person is tying a shoe on the ground.

Transcript:
Dr. John H. Watson:
Simple reasoning; a child could do it.
Sherlock Holmes:
Not your child, Watson. | Simple reasoning a child could do it Not your child Watson No of course

Transcript:
Alfred Brunton:
I love things that have no meaning. | I love things that have no meaning

Transcript:
[first lines]

Gracie, Barmaid:
Hurry up, lads. Drink up. Five minutes to closing time. | Drink up Five minutes to closing time

Scene Description:
a man is standing in front of a mirror and a woman is standing in front of him.

Transcript:
Paul Kersey:
You believe in Jesus?
Stomper:
Yes, I do.
Paul Kersey:
Well, you're gonna meet him.
[Paul shoots Stomper dead] | Do you believe in Jesus Yes I do Well you're gonna meet him

Scene Description:
a man with a hat and a jacket is standing in front of a neon sign that says'the man in the hat '.

Transcript:
Inspector Lt. Mankiewicz:
Let me get this straight... you and your wife were attacked by four muggers and then all of a sudden this guy comes out from nowhere and begins shooting, killing these two he...

Transcript:
Cutter:
Okay, lady. Quietly now... do it niiice. | All right now lady Quietly Do it nice

Scene Description:
a man with a beard and mustache wearing a blue shirt and a black jacket.

Transcript:
Paul Kersey:
[after getting caught killing Nirvana with a electro shock machine]
He raped and killed my daughter.
Donald Kay:
I read about it. I'll give you three minutes until I ring the alarm.
[Pa...

Transcript:
Policeman 1:
The cab driver said he didn't see anything. Was just passing through.
Inspector Lt. Mankiewicz:
Yeah, they just want to stay out of trouble. | No sign of the cab Cab service said he didn...

Transcript:
Geri Nichols:
[after Paul proposes to Geri]
Let's get smashed! | Let's get smashed Then I want it in writing

Transcript:
Jiver:
We just thought we'd bring Mr. Kersey's wallet back.
Stomper:
Personally.
Punkut:
Look at this. Isn't this prreetty?
Stomper:
Lady, you scream and disturb the neighbors, we'll cut you into l...

Transcript:
Punkut:
Hey Jiver, save some for me man! | Jiver save some for me man

Transcript:
Stomper:
Nirvana, you want a bit?
Nirvana:
Any left?
Stomper:
There's enough. | Nirvana how long we gonna stay here Ah it's nice here

Transcript:
Jiver:
Don't worry
[grabbing his pants to male tourist]

Jiver:
I'll be good. | Oh I'll be back soon

Transcript:
Ambulance Man:
[after Jiver succumbs to his gunshot wound and dies on the stretcher]
No hurry.
[covers him up with a blanket] | No hurry

Transcript:
Cabbie:
[to Inspector Ochoa]
Hey, I'm not really known for my public serving. | This is police business I ain't known for my community spirit

Transcript:
Paul Kersey:
Goodbye. | Goodbye

Transcript:
Paul Kersey:
Where's my wallet?
Jiver:
I ain't got it! | Out where I was with a friend A man

Transcript:
Punkut:
It's my turn now man.
Nirvana:
You want her, take her in the bedroom. | My turn now man Nirvana take her in the bedroom