Transcript:
Jellon Lamb:
Mr. Murphy, Russia, China, the Congo, oh, I have traveled among unknown people in lands beyond the seas. But nothing, *nothing* could have prepared me for this godforsaken hole. | Mr Murp...

Transcript:
Charlie Burns:
They're hanging Mikey come Christmas day.
Arthur Burns:
When's Christmas, Charlie? | They're hanging Mikey come Christmas Day When's Christmas Charlie

Transcript:
Jellon Lamb:
By what name am I honored to address thee? | by what name am I honored to address thee

Scene Description:
a man with long hair and a moustache is looking at the camera.

Transcript:
Bam Margera:
Since we no longer have to bleep cuss words, I promise I will get my mom to say, "fuck" by the end of this movie.
[after seeing an alligator in her house]

April Margera:
That's the scar...

Transcript:
Chris Pontius:
I guess I don't have any last words. I'm just gonna kill myself once I lose my wiener. | I guess I don't really have any last words I'm just gonna kill myself once I lose my wiener

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
I was Lon Chaney's lover!
Shopkeeper:
Go back and love him! | I was Lon Chaney's lover Go back and love him

Transcript:
Angry Golfer:
[after disturbing a golf game with an air horn]
Didn't I tell you I was going to come over here and kick your ass for that?
Johnny Knoxville:
But... I'm sorry. I got bursitis.
Angry Go...

Scene Description:
a man in a white shirt is walking next to another man in a white polo shirt.

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
Did you see the way I stopped the beanbag with my stomach? That's instinct. You can't teach that. | Did you see the way I caught that beanbag with my stomach That's instinct You can'...

Transcript:
Ryan Dunn:
I'm Ryan Dunn, and I'm about to get the shit kicked out of me by a girl. | I'm about to get the shit kicked out of me by a girl

Transcript:
Chris Raab:
I'm Raab Himself and I'm a complete fucking idiot. | I'm Raab himself and I'm a complete fucking idiot

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
Is this the worst you've ever had to go boom-boom?
Dave England:
No, no. I shit my pants at the fair. | Is this the worst you've ever had to go boom boom No no I shit my pants at th...

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
[after being beat up by Butterbean]
Is Butterbean OK? | Is Butterbean okay

Transcript:
Bam Margera:
[after Dunn puts a toy car in his butt]
So, why couldn't you do this, because your dad would disown you?
Steve-O:
Well, no, I...
Bam Margera:
Dude, you drank wine off a dude's ass crack...

Scene Description:
a man wearing sunglasses and a red jacket is in a vehicle.

Transcript:
Ryan Dunn:
Knoxville knocked my nuts in half! | I'm Johnny Knoxville and I'm gonna grind this rail

Transcript:
Man:
[a man tries to help Spike Jonze after his scooter zooms downhill]
You alright?
Spike Jonze:
Yeah.
Man:
You have... Your brakes go out?
Spike Jonze:
Yeah. The whole thing doesn't work.
Man:
R...

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
[dazed, holding head after golf cart accident]
I don't know what happened. I just remember we went in the air and the next thing I know, I'm just... fucked.
Bam Margera:
Dude, you w...

Transcript:
Spike Jonze:
[Acting like an old man on a scooter]
You're a nice man. Would you like to come over for dinner? | You'll probably see me in two to three days See you in a couple of days

Transcript:
Chris Pontius:
Wait a minute. I already know my fortune, it's partying! | Wait a minute I know what my fortune is It's partying

Transcript:
Chris Pontius:
[after being swatted by a puma while wearing a foam rubber mouse costume]
I don't like him. He's mean. | Moments like this never last

Transcript:
Ryan Dunn:
I'm surrounded by cacti, for fuck's sake... IT'S CACTI!
Steve-O:
It's cactus!
Ryan Dunn:
Whatever it is, it hurts! | I'm surrounded by cacti For fuck's sake Dude it's a cactus It's cacti ...

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
That had bad news written all over it.
Bam Margera:
Dunn can't drive for shit! | That had bad news written all over it Are you okay You all right

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville and we're about to test my Rocket Skates. | Hello I'm Johnny Knoxville and we're about to test my rocket skates

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
I think I'm a little concussed. | and I think I'm a little concussed

Scene Description:
a man with a bandana on his head has a bandage on his head.

Transcript:
Bam Margera:
Whose dick do I gotta suck to get some explosions around here? | Whose dick do I gotta suck to get some explosions around here

Transcript:
Chris Pontius:
Hi, I'm Bunny the Lifeguard, any of these alligators try to ruin our swimming, I'm gonna wrestle them down, and probably have my way with them. | I'm Bunny the lifeguard and if any of t...

Transcript:
Bam Margera:
We wanted to see if you would run here with a car up your ass!
Ryan Dunn:
No, I ain't running anywhere. It's scary enough to walk. | We wanted to see if you would run here with a car up ...

Transcript:
Ryan Dunn:
What a dumbass idea! I'm surrounded by cacti, for fuck's sake!
Spike Jonze:
*Offscreen* It's cactus!
Ryan Dunn:
It's cacti! Whatever it is it hurts! | What a dumb ass idea I'm surrounded ...

Transcript:
[after waking Phil up with fire works]

Bam Margera:
Hey Phil, you know you have to get up at 5 in the morning tonight. | Phil you gotta be up for 5 00 in the morning tonight

Transcript:
Bam Margera:
[from extended footage, on phone]
How much does Rake hate mustard?
[to cameraman]

Bam Margera:
This is Rake's mom and she says I wouldn't be able to have children in my future. | I'm Ry...

Transcript:
Phil Margera:
Now you're getting crazy with this shit. Ape! He's starting to lose it! Jesus Christ! Ape! I need toilet paper! | Now you're getting crazy on this shit Ape He's starting to lose it Jesus...

Transcript:
Man:
We have very... What the hell you doin?
Dave England:
I'm sorry. I'm almost done.
Man:
I hope you ain't takin' a shit in that sonfabitch. | What are you doing Oh I'm sorry I'm almost done I hop...

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
[laughing at Dave England who has soiled himself]
Oh shit, I'm taking a cab back to the hotel! | Holy shit I'm taking a cab back to the hotel

Scene Description:
a person sits behind the steering wheel of a car with the number 2 on it.

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
[giving off camera direction to Jason Acuna]
Kick yourself in the head, wee man. | Kick yourself in the head Wee Man

Transcript:
Steve-O:
Like, an ember fell right on my cornhole, dude! | Like an ember fell right in my corn hole dude

Transcript:
[on "Butt-x-ray"]

Steve-O:
If Ryan was an animal, what would he be?
Manny Puig:
This doesn't happen in nature. | In the warm California sun Where they're out there havin' fun

Transcript:
April Margera:
[fanning blankets in bed]
I'm helping you, are you OK?
Johnny Knoxville:
[under blankets, clearly suffering]
No, you're just wafting Phil's ass in my nose! | Is he opening it No you're...

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
Do you have a pocket ass? | Get this out of your pocket man

Transcript:
Ryan Dunn:
I could sure go for a Miller High Life... | I could sure go for a Miller High Life

Transcript:
Ryan Dunn:
I'm not too excited about this skit, it's not my favorite I've ever done, because there's a toy car in my butt. But this is the "Butt X-Ray". | I'm not too excited about this skit It's not ...

Transcript:
Ryan Dunn:
[after many failed intro attempts, sigh]
Goddamn, this is the BMX tug-of-war. | God damn this is the BMX Tug of War

Transcript:
Jason Acua:
I'm Weeman and this is a big cone. | Hi I'm Wee Man and this is a big cone

Scene Description:
a black background with a white star on it.

Transcript:
Bam Margera:
This is Sweaty Fat Fucks.
[Tony Hawk and Mat Hoffman hit Bam in the balls] | This is Sweaty Fat Fucks

Transcript:
Steve-O:
[laughing]
I ran straight into a crocodile! Oh, my God!
Jeff Tremaine:
Why can't you walk on a tightrope?
Steve-O:
[shrugs, scratches head]
I dunno. | I ran straight into a crocodile What t...

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
[after returning the smashed up car]
But I returned it with a full tank of gas. | Dude I told you not to fall off the damn beam

Scene Description:
a man and a woman sit at a table and look at a book.

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
[referring to firework going off]
That almost hit Loomis in the face! | It almost hit Loomis in the face

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
What's the quickest you've ever knocked anyone out?
Butterbean:
I hold, like, a California state record's like 18 seconds including the ten-count.
Johnny Knoxville:
I think you're ...

Transcript:
Ryan Dunn:
So how did a car toy get there?
Cuban-dude doctor:
Maybe you stuck it up your ass. | Well how did a car toy get there Maybe you stuck it up your ass

Transcript:
Ryan Dunn:
Oh fuck, I feel like I have to shit my ass! | I feel like I have to shit my ass

Transcript:
Steve-O:
So we're finding it a little bit chilly in Japan, so we're gonna warm ourselves up with some fireworks. | So we're finding it a little bit chilly in Japan We're gonna warm ourselves up with s...

Transcript:
[while viewing the apparatus for the "Bungee Wedgie" stunt]

Rick Kosick:
This isn't gonna work!
Jeff Tremaine:
It might... | Dude This isn't gonna work It might

Scene Description:
a white shirt is hanging from a clothesline that says bungie wedding.

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
There's no such thing as failure, Steve-O!... One thing I know, is good tightrope walking! | There's no such thing as failure Steve O Take another step You got it One thing I know is...

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
You little bastard! | You little bastard

Transcript:
[Johnny Knoxville returns the badly damaged rental car]

Rental car attendant:
Whose car is this?
Johnny Knoxville:
This is your guy's car. I rented it from you earlier.
Rental car attendant:
Yes......

Transcript:
Bam Margera:
Look at Phil's tummy. | Look at Phil's tummy

Transcript:
Steve-O:
Yeah dude! | Oh dude

Transcript:
Jeff Tremaine:
This one's gonna be a little more powerful than the last one, so...
Johnny Knoxville:
Why? These are different bottle rockets?
Jeff Tremaine:
No, there's just more of them. | This one...

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
I fell and busted my ass, that's what's fuckin' wrong! | I fell and busted my ass that's what's fucking wrong

Transcript:
Steve-O:
I am so glad I turned this idea down. | Oh man I am so glad I turned this idea down

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
What's wrong, man?
Lance Bangs:
I had to sit there while he shat! | What's wrong man I had to sit there while he shat

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
[opening narration]
WARNING - The stunts in this movie were performed by professionals, so for your safety and the protection of those around you, do *not* attemp any of the stunts y...

Transcript:
[in opening of "Butt-x-ray"]

Steve-O:
So, is there any, like, *real* reason, why would someone stick something like that in his ass?
Ed the medic:
No. | Is there any actual like real reason why anyo...

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
[to Steve O]
Go grab the dead kitty!
[later, in disbelief after Steve O exits the poo river]

Johnny Knoxville:
You're not going to save the kitty? | Go grab the dead kitty

Scene Description:
a duck is swimming in the water with its head in the water.

Transcript:
Butterbean:
Hit me once at least.
[Johnny Knoxville punches Butterbean in the face]

Butterbean:
There ya go.
[Butterbean punches Knoxville unconscious] | You haven't even Hit me once at least There...

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
That was my flesh! | Oh that was my flesh Oh shit

Transcript:
Steve-O:
Dude they're telling me the parasites in there can fucking crawl through your anything like even my dick hole, I'm like so I wanted to put like a rubber on, but no one has a rubber. Dude fuck...

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
[to jewel burglary victim]
I was barely halfway through the ceiling and you were already out the door! | I was barely halfway through the ceiling and you were already out the door

Scene Description:
a person with long black hair is talking on a cell phone.

Transcript:
Henry Rollins:
[driving during a stunt]
My name is Henry Rollins and this is Off-Road Tattoo! | My name is Henry Rollins and this is Off Road Tattoo

Transcript:
Chris Pontius:
[playing with a string attached to his penis]
Hi. I'm johnny knoxville. Welcome to Jackass. | Hi I'm Johnny Knoxville This is the Tidal Wave

Scene Description:
a man in a white tank top and red shorts holds a mask over his face.

Transcript:
Steve-O:
We're in Okinawa right now, and we're about to go swim with some whale sharks, but first...
Chris Pontius:
We need to go rub one out. | We're in Okinawa and we're about to go swim with some ...