Transcript:
Coco LaBouche: [after catching Angelica eating her chocolates] You have five seconds to come up with a reason why I should not lock you away forever and ever.
Angelica Pickles: Umm, because, I can sti...

Transcript:
Tommy Pickles: So, Kimi, do you and your mommy and daddy live in Reptar Land?
Kimi Watanabe: Not exactly. It's just me and mommy and we live in Paris, but I gets to come here *all* the time! | So Kimi...

Transcript:
Drew Pickles: I'm really happy for you, Pop.
Stu Pickles: Yeah. Lulu's a great lady.
Lou Pickles: Yep, she's a keeper! Of course, no one will ever replace your mother.
[puts his hand on his heart]
Lou...

Transcript:
Charles "Chas" Finster: [sits down on his bed and takes off his shoes; sees a shiny gold object on his pillow and picks it up] What's this? A gold inhaler? Most hotels just leave mints. "Chad, you...

Transcript:
Charles "Chas" Finster: Gee, Stu, seems kind of odd to have a Japanese theme park l in the middle of Paris!
Stu Pickles: Ah, it's a new century. Just go with la flow. | Geez Stu Seems kind of odd to h...

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Angelica Pickles: The Finster kid was planning on getting a princess for a mom, and let's face it, lady, you're no princess! | The Finster kid is planning on getting a princess for a mom And let's...

Transcript:
Priest: If anyone objects to this union, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
[outside, the dragon eyes glow bright red]
Chuckie Finster: I gots to be brave. I gots to be brave!
[bursts in]
Ch...

Transcript:
Jean-Claude: [barging into the church] Madame, our kidnapping plot has failed!
Coco LaBouche: [to Chas] Ignore that unemployed fool!
Charles "Chas" Finster: Coco, the wedding is off! You are *not* the...

Transcript:
Angelica Pickles: You babies are as dumb here as you are at home.
Dil Pickles: [wets himself] Wee-wee!
Angelica Pickles: 'Cept him. He's speakin' French already. | You babies are as dumb here as you a...

Transcript:
Karen: So then my mother says to me, the whole point of your collage education is to meet a nice boy.
Jeanne (segment "1972"): Get the fuck out of here.
Karen: That's exactly what i said!
Linda: You s...

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Linda: [Neighbour is watching] You know, I think it's time that the big, bad, scary lesbians went inside and had sex, if anybody cares.
[They run inside while the neighbour looks on in shock] | You kn...

Transcript:
Fran: [Looking at files] The carpenter. The carpenter!
Kal: The carpenter, good. Jesus was a carpenter. I like it. What's the number?
Fran: 31058
Kal: [Speaking on the phone] 31058.
[Waiting for an an...

Transcript:
Fran: That's okay. We understand.
Kal: Yeah, yeah. We do. It's fine. It's fine, right?
Fran: Right
Kal: Ya. I-what we're gonna do is a, j-just move on from here 'cause this is something that clearly y...

Transcript:
Fran: It's not that we don't want you... in the child's life.
Kal: It's really. It's mainly that we just don't want you... in the child's life. | It's not that we don't want you in the child's life It...

Transcript:
Kal: I can't give you the baby, okay. So-so we'll never know that the "what that would be like" If-if just by our love, if just by one night of our love, that we accidentally get pregnant. If we had...

Transcript:
Linda: Hey, could I get a pack of smokes please?
Georgette (segment "1972"): Cigarette machine is busted.
Linda: Really? Is the machine busted for everyone else or is it just busted for me?
Linda: [Ba...

Transcript:
Linda: Amy. Amy. Amy, please, I'm sorry.
Amy: For what? That you're ashamed of me? I would never want you to change for me. | Please I'm sorry For what That you're ashamed of me I would never want you...

Transcript:
Linda: [Lights Cigarette] Thank you
Amy: My pleasure. Keep the pack.
Linda: You sure?
Amy: I don't really smoke. I just carry 'em to look tough.
Linda: Does looking tough make it easier to go to a bar...

Transcript:
Linda: Listen, I just wanted to apologize for what happened today. I-I mean you-you just showed up at a tense moment.
Amy: You mean it got tense when I showed up.
Linda: No-No. I-I...
Amy: It's not li...

Transcript:
Amy: [Linda hops onto the back of Amy's motorcycle. Resting her hands lightly on Amy's waist] Hold on tighter. It isn't about sex. It's about not falling off. | Hold on tighter It isn't about sex It's...

Transcript:
Fran: Do you think it's, selfish, wanting to bring a child into this world?
Kal: What do you mean?
Fran: I mean, aside from all the craziness and the violence, if it's our child, it's gonna get teased...

Transcript:
Kal: I hate that I can't get you pregnant.
Fran: I hate it more.
Kal: Couldn't possibly.
Fran: Oh yeah. | I hate that I can't get you pregnant I hate it more Couldn't possibly Oh yeah

Transcript:
Kal: I've got sperm! | I've got sperm

Transcript:
Linda: So you accept who you are, and I love that about you... I wanna be like you. | So you accept who you are and I love that about you I wanna be like you

Transcript:
Linda: Do you have any idea what you just did? You wanna know why you don't like Amy? It's because you're scared of anyone who's not just like like you. | Do you have any idea what you just did You...

Transcript:
Linda: So am I the woman, and you're the man?
Amy: No.
Linda: Then why do you dress like one?
Amy: This is how I feel comfortable.
Linda: Do you see yourself as a woman?
Amy: Don't you think I know wh...

Transcript:
Karen: Ya, and I worked my butt off to get free birth control on this campus. What do you think, I was protecting MY rights to screw frat boys? | Yeah and I worked my butt off to get free birth...

Transcript:
Edith Tree: [to Ted] If you knew your aunt at all. If you knew about all the marvelous things that she did, and how good she was, and funny. And tender. And brave. And smart. If you knew how hard she...

Transcript:
Amy: I know a few things about you. For starters, I know you're interested. You stayed when your friends left.
Linda: I'm curious, in a way.
Amy: Curiosity turns me on. | I know a few things about you...

Transcript:
Dex: And this takes us to the second rule of Being Steve: You have to do something excellent in her presence, thus demonstrating your sexual worthiness. | This takes us to the second rule of being...

Transcript:
Dex: Look at me. Look at me, okay? Technically, I shouldn't be getting laid, but I do. And do you know why, Dave? Because when I'm hanging out with a woman, that's all I'm doing is hanging out,...

Transcript:
Coach Boone: [to his players] Tonight we've got Hayfield. Like all the other schools in this conference, they're all white. They don't have to worry about race. We do. let me tell you somthing: you...

Transcript:
Coach Paul 'Doc' Hines: You have twelve brothers and sisters?
Coach Boone: Eight.
Coach Paul 'Doc' Hines: Yeah, twelve sounds better. | You had 1 2 brothers and sisters Yeah 1 2 sounds better

Transcript:
Pinhead: It's all a puzzle, isn't it, Joseph? Like a game of chess, perhaps. The pieces move, apparently aimlessly, but always towards one single objective: to kill the king. But who is the king in...

Transcript:
Kal: [Marnie has gotten herself, Aggie and Luke through the portal] I don't care how strong you think you are, BUT YOU COULD NEVER... BEAT ME!
Marnie Piper: Your only power was the power to keep us ap...

Transcript:
The Deputy: [Tasting the blood from the decapitated turkey mascot] It's blood.
The Sherrif: [pause] Son of a bitch! | Son of a bitch

Transcript:
Announcer: If you're going to hire Machete to kill the bad guy, you'd better make damn sure the bad guy isn't you! | If you're gonna hire Machete to kill the bad guy You better make damn sure the bad...

Transcript:
Henchman: Please, Father. Have mercy.
Priest: God has mercy. I don't. | Suspense Emotion Please father have mercy God has mercy I don't

Transcript:
[from segment 'Thanksgiving']
Trailer voiceover: You'll come home for the holidays... in a body bag. | You'll come home for the holidays In a body bag

Transcript:
[Abby is being held down around some severed testicles]
Lt. Muldoon: Looks like I got you by the balls, Abby.
Abby: You certainly have. | Looks like I got you by the balls Abby

Transcript:
Lt. Muldoon: Where are my men?
Abby: [throws a bag to Lt. Muldoon] I put several right here.
Lt. Muldoon: What the fuck is this?
Abby: Their balls, sweetheart. | Where are my men I've got several righ...

Transcript:
Cherry: You a doctor?
Dr. Dakota Block: Hm. I was earlier tonight.
Cherry: I always wanted to be a doctor, instead, I can do this. Useless talent number 66. I'm very pliable.
Dr. Dakota Block: You kno...

Transcript:
Pam: [Stuck in Stuntman Mike's car] If you just stop right now, you know, and, and let me out, I'll never tell anybody...
Stuntman Mike: Hey, Pam, remember when I said this car was death proof? Well, ...

Transcript:
Wray: So what are you going to do now?
Cherry: I'm going to be a stand-up comedian.
Wray: You're not funny
Cherry: That's what I keep trying to tell everybody but they all say I'm hilarious
Wray: But ...

Transcript:
Kim: Now, what did you say after the last time?
Zoe Bell: Look, I know what I said...
Kim: What did you say?
Zoe Bell: I know I said we shouldn't do this again...
Kim: No! You didn't say we shouldn't,...

Transcript:
Stuntman Mike: How do you think they accomplish that?
Pam: CGI?
Stuntman Mike: Well, nowadays unfortunately you're right more often than not. But back in the all or nothing days, the Vanishing Point d...

Transcript:
Abby: You killed Bin Laden?
Lt. Muldoon: I put two in his heart, one in his computer.
Wray: So that was you. | You killed Bin Laden I put two in his heart One in his computer So that was you Yeah That...

Transcript:
Kim: Actually, we're paying you a compliment cause we're gonna do some stupid shit, but that's ok, cause we're stunt people, we ain't got good sense, but you've got good sense, and anybody with good...

Transcript:
Pam: So how exactly does one become a stuntman?
Stuntman Mike: Well, in Hollywood, anyone fool enough to throw themselves down a flight of stairs can usually find someone to pay them for it. But reall...

Transcript:
Earl McGraw: [about Doc Block] Never did like that son of a bitch. About as useless as a pecker on a pope. | Never liked that son of a bitch Was as useless as a pecker on a pope

Transcript:
[Machete trailer]
Announcer: [voiceover] But they soon realize...
The Boss: He's coming after *us*!
[cut to Machete opening his jacket to reveal an arsenal of machetes]
Announcer: They just fucked wit...

Transcript:
Stuntman Mike: The woods are lovely dark and deep, and I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. Did you hear me butterfly? Miles to go before you sleep. | The woods are lovely dark and...

Transcript:
Kim: Oh you know I can't let you go...
Abernathy: Kim?
Kim: Not without tappin' that ass...
Zoe Bell: Umm Kim?
Kim: One... More... TIME! | Oh you know I can't let you go Without tappin' that ass One K...

Transcript:
'Thanksgiving' Announcer: White meat, dark meat. All will be carved. THANKSGIVING. | White meat Dark meat All will be carved

Transcript:
Lee: You carry a gun?
Kim: Uh-Huh.
Lee: Do you have a license to carry it?
Kim: Yeah, when I became a secret service agent, they gave me a license.
Lee: Oh, I didn't know you were... Ok. I didn't say ...

Transcript:
Sheriff Hague: Give him the gun. Give him all the guns. | Give him that gun Give him all the guns

Transcript:
Cherry: Look, you were being an unbelievable dick. I was walking out on you. I was cold, I took your fucking jacket. So, if you're go on one of your psycho, obsessive, controlling rants about a...

Transcript:
Wray: Did you find what was in the pocket?
Cherry: Fuck no.
Wray: Look for it.
Cherry: [searches through one pocket]
Wray: No, the other one.
Cherry: [searches through the other pocket and takes out a...

Transcript:
Sheriff Hague: Don't shoot yourself. Don't shoot each other. And especially... don't shoot me. | Why don't just shoot yourselves Don't shoot each other But especially Don't shoot me

Transcript:
[Kim and Zoe are convincing Abernathy to convince Jasper to take his 1970 Dodge Challenger for a test drive]
Zoe: What are you going to do? Blow him?
Abernathy: [repulsed] No!
Abernathy: [pause] I'm g...

Transcript:
Sheriff Hague: Where the hell are you going?
Wray: I'm going to get Cherry.
Sheriff Hague: Fine, but we're taking my car.
[his car explodes]
Sheriff Hague: [looking back at Wray] I'm riding with you. ...

Transcript:
Pam: Hey Warren, is there anybody in this place you could vouch for to give me a ride home?
Stuntman Mike: [tosses keys across table in front of Pam] Fair lady, your chariot awaits.
Pam: You've been e...

Transcript:
[repeated line]
J.T.: Best in Texas. | Best in Texas

Transcript:
[repeated line]
Wray: I never miss. | I never miss

Transcript:
[as Wray is dying]
Cherry: [crying] No... you can't go. Two against the world, remember?
Wray: There will be, I promise
Wray: [touching her stomach] I never miss. | I never miss

Transcript:
The Rapist: I've seen me a lot of weird shit in my day, but I ain't never seen a one-legged stripper. I seen me a stripper with one breast. And I seen me a stripper with twelve toes. I've even seen me...

Transcript:
Abernathy: I was wondering if my friends and I could take the car out on our own just to see if we feel comfortable in it.
Jasper: Why would I do something stupid like that?
Abernathy: To better sell ...

Transcript:
[from Machete trailer]
Priest: I took a vow of peace. And now you want me to help you KILL these men?
Machete: Yes, bro... I mean Padre.
Priest: I'll see what I can do.
[pumps shotguns] | I took a vow...

Transcript:
Pam: Take a picture, it lasts longer.
Stuntman Mike: What?
Pam: That table. Seems to keep them getting your attention.
Stuntman Mike: Is that the girl from the billboard outside?
Pam: Yup.
Stuntman Mi...